To Tell or Not To Tell
Short answer: Yes.
Any questions?
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Longer answer …
Do unto others as you would have others do unto you?
Ideally, it’s more appreciated to do unto others as they’d like to be done unto, but we don’t always know what that is so we’re left to make a judgment call.
We can decide by asking ourselves three questions:
- If it were me, would I want to know?
- Would I feel like a turd if my friend found out later that I withheld this info?
- What do I feel in my gut is the right thing to do?
Most of us would want to tell our friend to provide what we feel is critical information that may influence her life and love choices. The reason we don’t want to tell our friend is because we don’t know what kind of reaction we’ll get, which is understandable because—
People tend to shoot the messenger!
When someone gives us what we think of as “bad news,” we often associate the negative feelings of the info with the person providing it.
We risk the friendship, especially if our girl friend decides to stay with her beau despite his assumed “discrepancy.” She’d likely feel embarrassed every time she saw the whistle-blower.
Additionally, we may rationalize that our friend already knows that her husband is on the dating site. Maybe she’s on one, too. Maybe this is a kinky new adventure that they’ve concocted together.
Or maybe she doesn’t know, and this info could cause her to address issues in her relationship that she’s been ignoring. Maybe even areas where she hasn’t been the greatest spouse. (I believe that in 80% of the cases, it takes two to let a good relationship slide.)
Or perhaps she doesn’t know, and she feels that she has been pulling her weight in the relationship. This news is the final straw that finally gives her permission (in her own mind) to let go of a relationship that was already on its last leg.
The point is: We don’t know what she knows or how she’ll react. We don’t know if telling her will be received with gratitude or a bad attitude. That part isn’t within our control and isn’t our responsibility. All we can do is deliver the info with loving intention, gently and without judgment, and let the cards fall where they may.
If we want the best chance of saving the friendship, we’ll provide the information without trying to influence her reaction. Letting her know that you’re on her team no matter what she decides to do with the info will not only allow her to trust you and potentially deepen your friendship, but it’s the loving thing to do―because it is her life, after all.
Do-I-Tell Takeaway:
- We can’t decide what’s right for someone else, but we can decide what’s right for us, which sometimes means telling your girl friend that you found her husband on a dating site. Shitty.
If you think this post can help someone in this situation, or if you want to preface your “I need to tell you something” chat, pass it along.