How to Deal with Step-Children and Dating
I was a step-mom so I can speak to this one … maybe even more so since my ex-husband’s kids lived with us full time. Later, I was with a guy who had a daughter who lived with us part time. Let’s note right from the get-go that I sucked as a step-mom.
My ex-husband is 16 years older than I am, and his youngest only 10 years younger than me. At the time we got together, I was only 23 years old and hadn’t experienced life with children—like nieces or nephews or friends with wee ones. As such, and as mentioned, I sucked.
Good news for you! Learn from my errors.
When should you mention that you have children?
Right away. It’s important. If someone doesn’t want kids or step-kids, you don’t want them! Wrong match. Next. If your kids are grown and gone, it probably won’t be an issue. If they’re still at home or at home part-time, it could be an issue.
Kids are a non-negotiable. If your own kids don’t matter enough for you to mention them right away, when the potential partner eventually finds out you have kids, they’ll question your values and your integrity. Filter unsuitable candidates by being upfront about your parenthood status STAT.
Note: Don’t be a douchebag by not making your kids a priority. You had them, so step up. I don’t have kids or want kids or even really like kids—they’re noisy, needy little beings—but I unapologetically state that they are the innocent bystanders in your life choices. Choose wisely.
Note 2: It’s OK if you don’t like or want kids or you don’t want to be a step-parent. To each their own. Fess up first hand; don’t lead someone on hoping that you’ll change your mind. Bad dog.
OK, so let’s say you are open to step-parenting: How do you negotiate and navigate a relationship with someone who has kids (whether or not you have your own)?
How to Deal with Step-Children and Dating:
- Most parents will put their kids first, at least while they’re still at home, and this is not only acceptable, it’s commendable. Be prepared to come second to the needs of dependents.
- If you can step up to step-parenting, know that it’s not over when the kids finally move out. Kids are forever. But the dynamic of the parent-kid relationship does (or should) change when your partner’s offspring set off on their own.
- No matter how logical you think your knowledge of “parenting” is, your input will be received with trepidation or outright rejection. Parents are irrationally unreasonable when it comes to receiving parenting advice. (Every parent reading that last statement was probably offended, which nails my point.)
- Get used to meeting your own needs and to plans changing unexpectedly. Often. Step-parenting is not for the faint of heart or the self-centred. Try meditating. You gonna need it.
- Depending on the age of the kids, you may experience resistance or rejection from them, possibly for a very, very long time. You’re the adult. Hang in there. Be a team with your partner and work to find solutions together to get through the shitty bits. There will be shitty bits.
Most important: Don’t try to be a step-parent. Just be your best you. No one wants you to take the place of the missing parent—not the kids, not your partner—so that should ease the pressure.
Side note: Though I was way too young to be a step-parent to an unruly teenager, not only did I come to love my ex-husband’s daughter, but it also broke my heart doubly when my marriage dissolved and my relationship with her did, too. (He was upset with me; she was loyal to him.) This double loss is a definite consideration when dating someone with kids. You have no rights or irrefutable access if things don’t work out. I’m OK now, thanks.
Step-Children Takeaway:
1. Step-children are forever—or until the relationship ends.
Any questions?
xo AJ
Are you a step-parent or the partner of a step-parent or a step-child? Any tips or pointers you can provide for our childless readers? Comment!
Yea step parenting is so tough on everyone involved.
My first relationship outside of my marriage was such a learning curve, i made more mistakes than i want to admit. I am a great dad with great kids, no issues with them at all really. Kind, caring and respectful humans. My first thought was to step up and be a great dad! Give tons of respect and Expect to get respect back…..wrong wrong wrong. Treated them like my kids but they are not. And thats where my frustrations started. I had no ground to stand on. Lesson was be a great male role model not a father figure.
I found , for me and my attitude, is that if i kept out of the fatherly role, have them not expect me to do fatherly things, give little to no advice on things that dont effect me, be there as a role model but not dependent on i can survive it. If im expected to do fatherly things i expect to be able to have some fatherly control ( discipline, rules, conditional chore following etc). If that cannot be given to me do not expect anything from me unless i want to do it. If your partner wants full control and say on their children ( i dont have any qualms with that) then expect to do everything. They need to be picked up or taken to sports practices..your baby, need help with homework….your baby, dealing with financial help….your baby. Ill protect them and support them in things i enjoy but if i have no control i cant have any care. Not that i dont want to naturally but if i do and get no respectful gestures back it drives me batty! If the kids are respectful though i will pour all my soul into them but i have the option not to or just to stop. Thats the only control i have. It has helped with my new relationship as i can concentrate on that and not worry about everything else.
You’re right, Darryl, it’s a delicate balance of give and take and constant re-negotiation. I think your idea of being a role model as opposed to a father figure is great. A role model expects respect, and as long as you’re also providing respect, this sets a positive standard children can learn from. Of course, as the adult, a good role model requires immense amounts of patience! Thoughtful action vs impulsive reaction. Sometimes so fricken difficult! lol Thanks so much for sharing your story! 🙂 AJ