Nice Guys Finish Last and How To Be Less “Nice”

Why DO Nice Guys Finish Last?

The question, Why do nice guys finish last? is one of the most common conundrums I hear about from, well, nice guys. And many of those nice guys are shy guys, which isn’t a coincidence. More on that in a minute.

But first, why do nice guys finish last?


A while back, I had a shy guy client who was in his 30s and “technically” still a virgin.

By the way, and without outting my client who we’ll call Al Most, “technically” could mean hiring a prostitute. Or “almost” having sexual intercourse but “not quite.” Or a number of other situations I’ve heard several times.

By the way, I hold no judgements on these choices as long as the woman was of legal age and consciously consenting.

rejectionAl Most had step-on-it low self-esteem and was painfully shy with women. He did manage to go out on some dates. However, the girls always told Al Most that he was “too nice.”

It’s one thing for a girl to notice your niceness, but if you’re being told you’re too nice, then that’s a way big problem for two reasons.

Nice Guys Finish Last by Being Too Nice

Here’s how this plays out …

  1. Fear of not being liked or of possible confrontation leads to agreeing with a woman even if we don’t agree.
  2. admission impossibleBecause we’ve been brought up to think that commonality equals compatibility, we think we need to have a lot—maybe everything—in common.
  3. When we agree with everyone, we never discover where we really stand on anything and we don’t trust ourselves.

The reality is that …

  1. Respectful disagreement is actually sexy. Women like men with an opinion and a backbone because they know you won’t fold when shit gets real, and she needs you to stand up for her.
  2. Although having some stuff in common does make us more compatible, it’s the stuff that we don’t have in common—including ideas, thoughts and opinions—that create challenge, healthy autonomy and sexual tension—i.e., Passion!
  3. Figuring out what our truth is on any number of issues boosts our self-esteem and confidence—both are attractive qualities.

Remember …

Assertiveness is a positive affirmation of beliefs. Aggressiveness is antagonistic attacking.

Nice Guys Finish Last Takeaway

Having your own articulate opinions and being able to communicate those thoughts respectfully and even playfully that will help you get a girlfriend.

Nice Guys Finish Last Actionables

  1. If you’re painfully shy and you always agree: The next time you agree with someone without even thinking out your own opinion, take note and vow to go home and figure out your own damn opinion on the topic.
  2. Or if you’re less shy but in the habit of agreeing: Same as above, but be brave, stop, tuck that thought in, determine your actual opinion, and state it.
  3. Lastly, if you typically agree because you thought agreement got you points: If you’ve already agreed, stop, rethink and restate your real opinion—“You know what, I’m going to retract that. What I really think is …” There’s your bonus point!

Now, go forth and agree to disagree.

xo AJ

Or just go here: Shy Guy Guide: How to Get a Girlfriend

About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver Dating Coach for Shy Guys & Introverted Men. Matchmaker Liaison. Founder: Wingmam

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