This happened a few days ago …
A guy on a dating site caught my attention! A rarity because 99.5% of the profiles I’ve read suck. Yes, that works out to 1 in 200 stand out in a good way.
So, this guy has decent photos (not cheesy photos—him holding fish, or holding a camera in front of a mirror, or holding some ex’s hand!) and the written portion is witty. Great!
I message him. He replies positively.
I ask him to call me so I can make sure he “doesn’t sound like Mickey Mouse,” which he finds amusing. (I have learned from experience! And if you do sound like MM, don’t freak out because there’s a woman out there who will totally dig that. Or at least not be bothered by it, like my shallow ass.)
We talk on the phone the next day. The next day. An hour later, I know if he meets my Top 5 Deal Makers/Breakers through a naturally flowing conversation. It didn’t feel like a job interview for either of us. How do I know? He agreed to a date.
So far we don’t know if there’ll be physical/sexual chemistry but we know there’s a chance of intellectual/emotional connection.
Some guys get nervous. If a lady wants a date, it’s totally okay to help a gent out a bit by indicating an interest. In fact, it’s appreciated.
For example: “Well, you don’t sound like Mickey, and I kinda like you so far (laugh), should we meet?”
This approach gives a guy the green light to ask you out without you being the one to ask him out.
Two days later (yep, two), we go on a date.
By the way, he asked if I wanted to be picked up. Check. It’s gentlemanly that he asked. I declined because of my long-standing paranoia of Shreddies killers and stalkers. <Meh, shrug>
We meet. He looks like his photos. I look like my photos. Check.
We go for brunch. Conversation is easy. I have an attitude of curiosity not expectation. He appropriately touches my arm a few times allowing for me to reciprocate if I so choose. I so don’t.
He’s good-looking, but I’m not feeling it where it counts …
My heart (and tummy and loins).
Physical/sexual chemistry, in my humble opinion, is when we have no idea what the other person is saying because we want to kiss them—like, right now—and do a bunch of other stuff that happens in our birthday suits, which is what we’re thinking of during and after being together. Later, we think, “What did we talk about?”
Intellectual/emotional connection is when we hang on their every word because we love their words. Only later do we think, “Could I imagine kissing that person?”
Ideally, the sweet spot is somewhere in between. We get a little distracted wanting to kiss, touch, cuddle, or other, but we’re also interested in what the other person has to say—what they’re about as a person.
Whether you have instant sexual chemistry or an emotional connection case, the only way to know if you have long-term possibility as a couple is to get to know the person—before you get physically intimate! Even if for no other reason than we ignore red flags because the sex is sooo good.
Damn. And yep.
Sure, there have been exceptions to this generalization, but of the hundreds of long-term (over 10, 20, 30+ years) couples I’ve interviewed, 95% of the women said they didn’t experience instant physical/sexual chemistry. (The stats are reversed for the dudes, which makes sense because men’s sexual area of the brain is 20X larger than women’s. Again, thanks Mat.)
So, what happened at the end of my date?
We discovered, through text after the date, that although we both shared an intellectual connection, neither of us shared a “romantic” connection. We agreed to be friends. And because he’s a good guy and emotionally mature, I feel confident introducing him to my sexy single gal pals. Wham-bam-thank-me-ma’am!
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Just because that person isn’t right for you, doesn’t mean his/her friends might not be, and likewise with your friends for him.
You’re welcome! 😉
p.s. Never “Ma’am” a woman over 30. Just. Don’t. Noooo.
p.p.s. Please share this post! Heart heart monkey mushroom spoon fork wink.
p.p.p.s. Watch my WingmamTV video on sexual chemistry vs. emotional connection!
Vancouver Dating Coach for Shy Guys & Introverted Men. Matchmaker Liaison. Founder: Wingmam