“What’s your selection process?” Jane asks me the other day. “[Your] journey to find the the right guy to date.”
Jane is the founder and owner of Matchmaker for Hire and, obviously, a matchmaker.
She tells me, “The biggest complaint in the real world of dating is about the journey to finding that right person. What brought you to choose that guy and what brought him to choose you?”
I ponder, “Hmm. What do I do?”
First, I know my “Top Five”—the five deal-makers (/breakers), must-haves (/must-not-haves) in a mate. If any one of these qualities is missing, I’d choose to be single foreverrr (but still happy, people!) rather than settle.
Side story: Once upon a time not that long ago, while working through this Top Five process with a client, I suddenly figured out why my marriage to Good Man, who seemed to meet my Top Five, hadn’t worked out. (We amicably divorced 10 years ago.) I realized that my Top Five had changed!
I called a friend right after the session: “My number four isn’t ‘he adores me’! I got over that need years ago. I need intellectual stimulation! He adored me but didn’t stimulate me! Dealbreaker.”
And a big relief because I’d thought there was something wrong with me—aside from all my (self-) acceptable (adorable?) “flaws.”
So I took myself through my own Top Five process (in my soon-to-be-released WakeUP2Luv self-study at-home-in-your-pjs program) and figured out my true Top Five.
Secondly, I only engage with a potential “prospect” that meets my Top Five no matter how sexy his photo is, which means I read profiles before I make contact or reply.
And I don’t discount a potential mate that meets my Top Five even if he’s not Gerard Butler’s stunt double …unless in his profile photos he’s holding a trout—half kidding—or making a Zoolander trout pout—not kidding.
Thirdly, I dedicate a certain amount of time to “window shopping” and to dating—the same amount of time I’d have, or make available, for a potentially permanent Plus One.
This means that if there are more options—men interested in dating me—than I have time for, then I go to my secondary list to narrow it down.
Sometimes I’m the one to initiate contact, and sometimes it’s the man who contacts me first.
Finally, experience has shown that the idea of “building a relationship” before meeting is a huge risk—ask me about Mountain Jim—with way too much at stake: built-up expectations, hopes, dreams, blah blah blah yada yada. Simply a bad idea. (Unless, it’s an “arranged marriage.” But that’s a whole other blog.)
AJ Prevention RX: Talk on the phone ASAP and, if that goes well, then meet pronto.
For me, the process isn’t much different in the real world, except that in the real world, I know right away if there’s zero physical attraction.
You really do have to be able to imagine kissing the other person without a vomitous reaction, which has less to do with looks than connection and chemistry.
I find out within the first meet-‘n-greet if he meets my Top Five because I bring it up y’all—crazy tactic! But I bring it up in a way that is fun, light-hearted and flirty … in other words: I don’t scare the fish off the line before I know if he’s a keeper. Hint: He’s evaluating me, too.
The key is keeping the fun in it all!
Most people go to work and put in their 8 hours a day. Sometimes they like the job; sometimes they don’t. But if they don’t work, they don’t eat.
If you don’t date, there’s a good chance you will stay single and eat alone. So date more but filter better.
Questions? Comments? Blog or video topic requests? Let me know in the comments section!
Vancouver Dating Coach for Shy Guys & Introverted Men. Matchmaker Liaison. Founder: Wingmam