50 First Dates—First (Not) Date #9: Why Do I Keep Picking Jerks?

“Nice” Guys Finish Last? Hurt People Hurt People?

When people suffer within, they share their pain with “out.” (They take it out on the world.)

Dating Site: Plenty of Fish
Stats: Early 40s, no kids
Work: [Leaving private for his sake]

I debated whether or not to post this, wondering, “Is it my ego that needs a voice or is this actually valuable info for others?” Then I had an exchange on my Facebook page with a friend who I think has a broken picker and / or unresolved pain that’s limiting her love options. This is for her.

Whether you think I’m the asshole in this story or my non-date is the asshole—or neither—I’m sharing the details so we can all learn. Yep, myself included.

From the time of Mr. Not-So-Nice After All and my online meeting to the end of potential, our entire exchange happened in less than a day. #whywastetime

Here’s the text portion of our interaction …(Note: all texts are as originally sent/received without alteration.)

Anna:

Thursday or Sunday?
Though, whether or not you’re the LOML, I’ll likely write about it 😉
You may want to investigate before you decide!
www.wingmam.com
🌹🍷 Anna

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

I can do sunday
Hi anna
So you give dating advice and your single?

Anna:

*rolls eyes* most common thing I get lol
Selective. Due to not having been selective in the past!

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Haha I’m just teasing u
All good
So how did you get into the dating helping thing?
Do I need to know alllll your tips to date you?? Haha seems I have alot of reading to do!!

Anna:

Short story:
– went online
– guys’ profiles suck
– offered help rewriting
– realized they need more help than a profile rewrite
No, just be authentic

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Ok good answers

I’ll just be me
I’m a pretty nice guy

Anna:

That’s the only way to be!!
Nice or kind?

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

I have alot of friends
And they all are wondering why I’m single

Anna:

Nice equals people pleaser
Kind equals not an asshole
Why do you think you’re single?

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Picky

Anna:

I knew you’d say that!!! Lol

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

To many crazy people out there

Anna:

True

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

To much baggage

Anna:

Yep
I did a video on why men like younger women, that was one of my points

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

I work hard, I don’t do drugs, I drink very little, I like to travel.
I don’t like younger women

Anna:

What are your flaws

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

No connection
Good for sex that’s it

Anna:

Yep I get that
Some of my favourite flaws in me:
OCD
Recovering Perfectionist
Hypocritical
No filter!

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

And since we only have sex a few hours a week! That leaves alot of time with nothing in commen [sic]

Anna:

Excellent point!

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Connection

Anna:

Flaws?

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Flaws: work to much. I tend to bug people to much. I think it’s fun! Haha but I guess I need to learn to leave stupid people alone. I drink to much coffee!

Anna:

I hope it’s decent coffee at least ☕️
Why is it fun to bug people? That’s interesting
(Like sarcastically?)

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Yes I love good expresso

Anna:

Espresso! Not expresso, that’s a fast train 😉

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Yes just little digs! Most of the time they don’t get it anyhow

Anna:

How’s that for bugging!

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Yes your right correct
I don’t mind
Give it to me

Anna:

Ha!

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Just be prepared for it back sister!! Haha

Anna:

I find it interesting what makes people tick…

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

And I am a fast moving train!!! Haha

Anna:

Lol
So little digs that bug people. Where is the pleasure in making people feel bad (bugged/annoyed/whatever you call it)? What does that do for you? Curious!!

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

It gets me through the day when I’m around dumb dumbs!
Not in a mean way
Don’t go deep on me
It’s just teasing
Sometimes
Not all the time

Anna:

Flaw: I’m deep

Sometimes

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Haha
Why are you so deep
What does it do for you?
😜

Anna:

We’re surrounded by dumb dumbs
Deep helps me find compassion for them 🤓

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Haha good answer!!!

Anna:

A selfish resolve really–keeps me from maiming people and doing time!

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Ok now I know we’re on the same level
Thank for the honesty
I feel the same

Anna:

That was actually a joke lol
I do live by my mantra:
Love is the answer, people!
But I see how other people suffer dealing w dumb dumbs so I have compassion for them (you) too!
I don’t think we’re on the same page lol too funny

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Well hard to say until we meet
Txing doesn’t give you to much of a feeling of what people are seeing
Saying
If you saw me say all of this, you would actually see what I am saying. There would be big smile on my face.

Anna:

No but you’ve told me and that’s enough (for me) … you’re sarcastic toward people who don’t know any better because you disdain dummies.
True or not true?
Which is not nice 😉

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Well I admitted it’s a fault

Anna:

True

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

And like I said I don’t do it all the time

Anna:

But you also said you’re nice, which isn’t always true. Hmm.
If a woman said she didn’t do hard drugs all the time would the frequency matter?

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

You don’t know me

Anna:

It’s evidence of character

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Your getting pretty deep on someone’s txs
Ya I don’t think this is going to work

Anna:

I’m selective. Filtering quickly saves time.

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

You are an over thinker
And you put things in people’s mouths
Without knowing them
Bad character

Anna:

Was just feeding back your words.
Nonetheless, I agree we are not a match.

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Good luck

Anna:

You too 🙂

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Now I know why someone so pretty is single

Anna:

That statement confirms you’re not nice 😉

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Yep to people like you I’m not
Judging people before meeting the and haveing a conversation
Asking people there faults and then beating them up over it! Your the not nice person!

The next morning, after allowing both of us to decompress, I follow up…

Anna:

We all have faults. It’s a matter of finding the person with the right flaws for us. And to that person they might not even look like faults. You’ll find her.

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Are you really looking for someone or are you just drumming up business?

Anna:

Option 1. (I don’t have room in my schedule for new business right now.)
I’m content in life, so if I’m single forever that’s ok.

Mr. Not-So-Nice After All:

Hmm

Well, he’s right.

Even though, I was teased and bullied mercilessly (my pain trigger) as a child, I wasn’t that nice to lead him down the garden path to reveal his true character. Or perhaps, mine. And maybe less nice for posting our convo herein. (Which was unplanned.) But perhaps my sacrifice of one Mr. Not-So-Nice for the many who can learn from this makes up for my transgression … or maybe I’m simply Ms. Not-So-Nice After All.

The Takeaways:

  1. Before they can even get in the door, we can figure out who are the throw-backs according to our standards and filter faster to avoid them.
  2. Hurt people need love, too. Probably more than the rest of us, but it’s not our job to “fix” them. They’ve got to find self-love first and fill their own love bucket.
  3. Hurt people hurt people. Other people can’t trigger us if there’s nothing to trigger. Whatever pain this poor fella has, he may not even be aware of it. (Who knows, maybe I’m in pain, too.)
  4. Compassion is the answer. From a distance. (Aside from me posting this. Hypocrisy! Flaw. We are all flawed.)
  5. Fix your pain. “Hurt People” finish last or match up with other “hurt people” to work through their mutual “baggage” together. That’s messy. Trust me, been there, done (with) that! (And yes, I was the “hurt person” in several cases.)

It’s not only OK to have standards, but a worthwhile mate—the one who is ready, willing and able to settle down—appreciate that we set our standards. It’s like giving them the playbook!

If someone doesn’t like our standards, they’re not necessarily “not good,” but not good for us. It’s not a popularity contest. You don’t want them all. You want the right one. Next!

I’m sure there’ll be all kinds of differing viewpoints on this one! Feel free to share in the comments. Note: I am the moderator, so keep it “kind,” or you’ll get your ass blocked! If Mr. Not So Nice wants to weigh in, please feel free. For real.

If you’re a “hurt person” and are ready and willing to get over it so you can find your happy ending, my WakeUP2Luv program can help you!

Nothing changes if we don’t [change].

About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver Matchmaker and Dating, Love and Relationship Expert Founder: Wingmam

Leave a Comment:

4 comments
Patricia Lyons says August 12, 2016

I get this, but am not practiced at being so focused and brave! You are! That is so awesome! Thank you! This pumps me up!

Reply
    Anna Jorgensen says August 16, 2016

    Thank you for your comment, Patricia! It helps to know what we’re looking for. When we know what our Top 5 Must-Haves and Deal-breakers are, it’s a lot easier to direct the conversation (while still being flirty and playful, of course). And you mentioned a key word, “practice”, we can only master anything with practice. xo AJ

    Reply
Ron Werner says September 13, 2016

after reading this you may want to watch the movie Hitch again. You and that character I think have more in common than you know.

Reply
    Anna Jorgensen says September 14, 2016

    I have that movie lol… people and psychology have always fascinated me. My brain is definitely wired to observe and learn about what makes people tick! #passion

    Reply
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