Men love asking me “out of the box” questions because, if a man is seriously seeking knowledge that will enhance his and his partner’s life together, I’ll slip in my two cents worth. (Some restrictions apply!)
I read an article a while ago called “Your Ugly Vagina is Normal and Gorgeous” (adult content). It drove home the fact that women are insecure about their bits.
The fact that labiaplasty—cosmetic surgery to “fix” her bits—is one of the fastest growing cosmetic surgeries in the Western world is our second clue that we chicks may love our clits, but the extra bits are up for debate.
The author of the Ugly Vagina article interviewed 10 random dudes about what they thought of the vagina. All 10 said they didn’t care what a woman’s vagina looks like; they’re all normal and gorgeous.
My second favourite quote of the interviewees:
“I think it’s a total misunderstanding that any female would get this surgery. I think it’s a total minority of guys that would wish this for a woman. This part of the body is like the ears, it’s a part you cannot judge by prettiness and it doesn’t make sense to me to alter it. This type of surgery, if done just for looks, is a waste of money. Genetically we are coded to be turned on by a woman’s vagina pretty much however it looks.”
My favourite quote of the interviews:
“I’m sure a guy is just happy to be there.”
I recently listened to a podcast from Tripp Advice. A love, sex and relationship expert, Dawn Maslar, was interviewed, and she noted that, from her vast va-jay-jay counselling experience, most women are insecure about their vaginas.
Reality land is that, from a young age, girls are shamed into hiding their parts “down there,” and boys—though they’re also told to put it away—are *wink wink nudge nudge* taught to be proud of their trouser snake.
Sexual abuse to girls or women can also result in women feeling ashamed of their luscious lady bits.
Combine all that with porn’s censored images showing mostly one type of vagina—hidden or non-existent labia (external meat flaps) and everything shaved bare—and you’ve got a recipe for a my-pussy-is-different-and-therefore-ugly mentality, at least with many women.
I’ll save you from an extensive conversation about social upbringing and gender inequality because everyone is here to just learn how to get your partner to masturbate for or with you.
1. Stop rushing!
Women’s top priority is to feel safe—physically and emotionally—so if she’s not feeling emotionally safe with her man, she’s not going to play the banjo for or with you.
This means that it’s going to take time and trust to build up the level of comfort she needs to feel safe revealing her pussy in a shameless feeling way. Even though there is no shame in it, she has to feel that way.
Shame on shame! If what you’re doing does not hurt anyone, including yourself, and if it feels good—do it! Whatever the it is.
2. Start early!
As in: way early in the relationship, start “building up” her and her perfect pussy. Rather than mention mutual masturbation early on―that will make her think you’re a perv, and she’ll cut and run―
3. Say supportive, sincere stuff!
As soon as you’ve touched her goodies “down there,” make sure you tell her how much her amazing pussy turns you on. Whether you’ve only experienced her lovely lady folds with your fingers or the whole nine yards—you don’t need “nine yards” to please her—she needs to hear the words.
Don’t just say, “Your pussy turns me on.” That’s not specific enough, and it’ll feel fake, like you say that to all the girls. (You probably do.)
Good examples might be:
Oh my god, your pussy is amazing … I love how wet you get.
Fuck me, your pussy is gorgeous … I love every bit of it.
Woman, your pussy tastes so good … I can’t get enough.
And don’t worry, just because you say you love her vagina doesn’t automatically mean that you gotta marry her or that she thinks you’ve gotta. But it will mean getting more action. If you’re sincere!
4. Surprise her! Say supportive, sincere stuff when you’re nowhere near her clam!
Women are a slow burn and, if you start making her feel like her “ugly” vagina is normal and gorgeous to you when you’re not throbbing or knob deep, she’ll feel safer. The safer she feels, the closer she’ll be to coming around to the idea of masturbating with or for you.
Good examples are the same as the ones above, but said softly and tenderly with no sexual intention, like after sex when you’re cuddling—hint: cuddle fuckers!—or randomly, like when you’re cooking dinner together or at the top of a mountain after a hike and taking in the view. Now you’re getting somewhere!
5. Study her!
What do you mean, Anna?
Hey! Rule #1 reminder—stop rushing!
Studying your girl means paying attention to the little things that make her feel safe and taken care of. This doesn’t mean financially, though that can be effective for some women, but it does mean doing the seemingly insignificant things for her that help her out.
Take out the garbage without being nagged. Put her favourite coffee cup on the counter in the morning before she wakes up. Pick up bread at the store before you run out of bread at home. (Bonus points if you make sure it’s the “right” bread!) Run her a bubble bath if she seems frazzled. Give her a longer hug.
These are simply suggestions, but do whatever it is that your lady likes. If you don’t know, then Sir, you got some homework to do.
Ladies—know this! We have the most amazing power right between our legs! Don’t abuse it (the power), but do celebrate your clit and the other bits of your vagina. And if your man wants to celebrate it with you, then Honey, learn to love yourself and your gorgeous pussy enough to play the banjo fo yo man! (Boundaries are permitted and encouraged.)
AJ TMI Tidbit:
The best sex I’ve ever had was with a man who I was in love with and who followed the above format. And yes, yes, I did masturbate with and for him. And a whole lotta other sexy stuff!
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Vancouver Matchmaker and Dating, Love and Relationship Expert