Before we get to the benefits of the friend zone, I’ve got a few short stories from my personal life about men who have succeeded and failed when they got friend-zoned.
Learn from them, fellas, so that you don’t wind up in the friend zone forever!
I went out on a date with a guy who, to save identities, we’ll say is in the tech industry. A good-looking guy with a decent job and a friendly personality.
What was wrong with him?
Nothing! He simply wasn’t the right guy for me.
However! He could have improved in several behavioural areas if he wanted to succeed with the right girl for him.
If you don’t pass a woman’s deal makers list, no matter what you do right, it ain’t gonna happen. But! If you do get a 100% score on her deal maker’s list, you can still fuck it up by being overzealous for her and end up in The Friend Zone. This isn’t about altering your personality. It’s about getting a hold of yourself so you don’t act desperate, needy or clingy.
I texted The Techie that I wasn’t feeling it and offered him the friend zone. It went something like this …
… I like you and enjoy your company, but I’m not feeling the spark. Maybe you feel the same? Do you want to be friends who hike or go for walks once in a while or pass and move on?
I don’t know.
After which I reminded him that we have vastly different long-term goals. He wants to move to a tropical paradise in a developing country; I loathe the tropics and beach and tropical paradises where the massages have “happy endings!” I wrote that I’d leave it with him.
No further reply.
Note: I even gave the guy an “ego out” by suggesting he felt the same way. He could’ve saved face by agreeing that he wasn’t feeling it either.
You’ll see by all of these examples why you need to set your tender ego aside if you want the benefits of The Friend Zone.
He lost out on watching my butt run up the Memorial Stairs and my friendship. And on meeting any attractive single female friends I know, which are many!
Basically, the same thing happened with Legal Matters, except that he said OK to The Friend Zone but didn’t really mean it. Meaning that he kept flirting at an uncomfortably sexual level.
He had agreed to let me buy him a burger until I asked him to tone down the sexual innuendos and reminded him that “The Friend Zone” was all that was on the menu.
He cancelled our burger non-date and decided to move on.
In this case, I mentioned a sexy single woman I know who I thought would be perfect. He declined. Too bad for him and his frail ego.
We’ve got to know our deal makers and deal breakers before we meet someone or we’re going only by physical / sexual chemistry and — TRUST ME — that kind of start fails 90% of the time.
Before you go on a date, do your best to find out if she meets your must-have criteria, but also if you meet hers.
I met up with an old high school buddy the other day who I haven’t seen or kept up with in years.
We’re now living in the same town so we decided to go for coffee.
Cut to: Him and I debating about whether or not I should consider dating a man with younger children.
I only have five traits in my Top Five Must-Have’s and “no kids” is one of them. If this made the Top Five (it did), then I’ve probably thought about it quite extensively (I have).
Honourable is also in the Top Five, as is me being my man’s top priority, which means that if a single dad is an honourable person — and a decent parent — he’d never consider going out with a woman who wants to take precedent over a kid and who clearly indicates her desire to never spend time with the child, or any child. I would feel guilty AF being the unwilling step-parent. How could any primary parent be OK with that??
I may not want to be around children (I don’t), but I believe that children are the innocent victims in adult relationships and it’s parents’ responsibility to protect their children from unnecessary pain and hurt, which includes emotional neglect from a potential step-parent! End rant.
(By the way, I offer the same loyalty in a relationship. As in: my man will be my #1, so it’s not a selfish request. And by the way, Old Friend wasn’t volleying to win my heart: he was simply trying to understand my mindset.)
Because we’ve friend-zoned each other, I brought up another mutual friend from high school. She is single and is considering moving to our area. He admitted he’d always had a crush on her.
I’ve got another male friend who is the ideal guy. He’s on the short side and losing his hair. He’s claimed that he’s “not that bright.” And up until recently, he was also (self-proclaimed) “chubby.”
And yet he gets girls all. the. time. He seduces them and has sex with them, and they fall in love with him after one night.
He might hang out with them for a while longer or he might “cut them loose” to save them from greater heartbreak.
I’m not kidding.
At first, he acted like every other guy, falling all over her and basically caring too much about what she thought of him and how he could get her.
For a short time, he lost himself — too eager to please, too accommodating, too agreeable.
She went back to another guy she was considering.
Cool Cucumber decided to say “fuck it” to himself and accept The Friend Zone. He’d rather have some of her than none of her.
But he didn’t wait in the wings, moping and hoping. Fuck no! He went out and got back on the horse.
He dated other women and he hung out with his friends. And when His Dream Girl want to hang out with him (platonically), he didn’t rearrange his plans for her. If he was going to be in The Friend Zone, then so was she.
And what do you talk about with your buddies? Well, you talk about your amazing life —because you actually have one. And you talk about the other women you’re dating or even shagging — because you are. But not in a way that’s meant to make her jealous — because you wouldn’t do that with your buddies. Maybe in a teasing way, but not for alterior selfish motives.
The cat came back and now they’re together.
He didn’t lose himself the second chance he had with her. He remained Mr. Cool Cucumber, and because of that lack of desperate neediness, she realized what a sexy beast he is.
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Vancouver Dating Coach for Shy Guys & Introverted Men. Matchmaker Liaison. Founder: Wingmam