We’ve all seen those guys who “play the numbers.” They go around seemingly unaware of rejection and blissfully hitting on every girl in sight, playing the odds that one will eventually take the bait.
Inevitably, they are rejected time after time. They simply shrug and move on to the next girl like nothing ever happened.
To a certain type of guy, the shy guy, this looks a lot like a lunatic tap dancing through a minefield.
( I’m guessing if you are reading this that you are not the tap dancing shitshow and probably fall into the shy guy category.
So what is the difference between these two guys?
I think it boils down to two things: empathy and intelligence.
Shy guys tend to be more thoughtful, more in tune with their feelings, as well as the feelings of others.
We tend to tie ourselves in knots by examining all the outcomes of a romantic social interaction. We end up paralyzing ourselves with fears of what could happen (rejection) instead of motivating ourselves with thoughts of what we want to happen.
I’m of the opinion that shy guys have the advantage over the fearless guys.
Because the qualities that give the fearless types the advantage when it comes to getting laid are usually horrible qualities for a guy in an ongoing relationship.
Shamelessness and emotional detachment aren’t exactly qualities most women have on their shortlist. Especially when sizing up a guy for long-term lovin’.
Shy guys, on the other hand, are shy because they are thoughtful. They feel shame more deeply because they want to be a better person than they are. And they and genuinely concern themselves with what other people think.
All of these are qualities that women tend to look for in a man, but they are also the reason we feel rejection so deeply.
We need to turn that around. We need to get our big brains and bigger hearts to work for us, not against us.
It’s easy to allow yourself to take rejection super personally. Shy guys tend to take a romantic rejection as a statement of their unworthiness as a person.
It’s hard not to feel like the person who rejected you is saying, “You’re not good enough for me.” But t hat’s a shortsighted view.
When a person rejects another person it usually isn’t a matter of worthiness, it’s a matter of taste and personal preference.
You really shouldn’t take it any more personally than someone saying they don’t like onions on their pizza.
They’re not saying that you aren’t anyone’s cup of tea, just not their cup of tea. Hell, they might prefer coffee!
The sooner you realize that rejection is a statement of individual taste and not a personal attack, the sooner you can reap the benefits. Confidence comes from a diminished fear of being shot down.
Have you ever seen those kung-fu monks who break thick, wooden poles over their arms or can take massive shots to the junk? They weren’t born with super powers. Nope, they built up that strength through practice.
They woke up, bashed their arms against a tree until they were bruised and bloodied. They finished the day off by having some gnarly martial arts master boot them in the jewels over and over again.
And they went to bed and got up the next day and did it all over until they eventually shrug the blows off like they never happened.
You need to be more like those cats.
You’ll never be immune to rejection until you familiarize yourself with how to deal with it. The only way to do that is to get rejected.
Get out there, get kicked in the nuts, get stronger, and do it again until it doesn’t hurt anymore. It sucks at first, but you’ll have super powers before you know it!
It would be the easiest thing in the world to lash out at someone who has rejected you. That’s probably not a good idea. Word gets around and the world is smaller every day.
You don’t want some girl who shot you down telling everyone who will listen about how you acted the fool and got all salty when she wouldn’t date you.
Remember, rejection isn’t a personal attack, so there’s no reason to defend yourself as though it were.
Don’t cheapen the relationship you’ve built with a girl by throwing around words like “friendzone” or “cocktease.”
It’s pretty awkward having to reject someone and it’s no Swiss picnic being rejected either. There’s no point making it any weirder than it needs to be for either of you.
One of the side-effects of always reading between the lines is that we sometimes read things there that simply aren’t written.
If a girl tells you that she would prefer to be friends, it means she doesn’t want to date you. It doesn’t mean that we’ll be friends for now and maybe something will develop.
The same goes for saying that they’re just not ready for a relationship right now, or any other variation on this theme. If she’s letting you down gently, have the good sense to actually be let down gently.
You’ll be far better off if you brush off the dirt and get back in the game. Anything less will make you seem desperate.
No matter what you do, you’re going to experience rejection.
By looking at rejection as an opportunity to grow instead of a failure to be avoided at all costs, you can do the hard work of improving yourself for the next time you make a run-up at a girl.
By learning to take it on the chin, toughen up from trauma, swallow your pride, and face reality, you are building the confidence you need to face your fears and land the girl of your dreams without resorting to the tactics of the tap dancing jackass.
Stay frosty out there, and good luck!
I fricken love this post 100% true! The goal shouldn’t be to go out and get a girlfriend, it should be to go out and get used to rejection. Only then can you build the skills and confidence to makes steps toward getting a girlfriend. Dude, you got this!
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Vancouver Dating Coach for Shy Guys & Introverted Men. Matchmaker Liaison. Founder: Wingmam