“Not into Hook Ups or Casual Sex”

Why Do Women Write “Not into Hook Ups or Casual Sex” on Dating Sites?

This question came in from a guy I “interviewed” on the app Bumble—similar to Tinder and Badoo (formerly known as Hot or Not)—which, by the nature of the app’s limited requirements for registering and the ease in signing up, lends itself to … hooking up.

Rule of Thumb: The less information required to get on a dating site or dating app, the more likely you’ll find people looking for shorter term relationships—or lazy daters. Is either of those what you want?

When we rely mostly on the visual images of a person without much (/any) personal information, we revert to our innate needs, and since Bumble can’t provide water, pizza, or sleep, sex it is!

However, daters that are not into hook ups or casual sex but are into longer term relationships using dating apps are either:

  • inexperienced in using dating sites / apps and want to get their feet wet (not necessarily their clams, fellas)
  • unfamiliar with which sites are more likely to attract mates with similar relationship goals
  • um, doing research for their dating, mating and relationship business <cough>

The Reasons Why Women Write “Not into Hook Ups” despite sometimes engaging in casual sex is because:

  1. Slut shaming still exists and a woman who wants a long-term relationship knows that some gentlemen would be turned off by a gal who spreads ‘em faster than Skippy peanut butter.
  2. No matter what sites or apps she’s used, some ignorant Neanderthal has sent her a dick pic or inappropriate selfie without request.hook ups or casual sex
  3. Women do get carried away and have one night stands, but if they post a disclosure about not wanting to it’s because they don’t want to get carried away.
  4. Chicks carry baggage from past relationships (as do men). As we get older, we want to take our time getting to know someone before sex (unlike most men) because, when we have sex, oxytocin, the “oh my god oh my god ohhhh” hormone, kicks in and removes all logical perspective. And we end up trying to make a relationship work with another knucklehead, er, wrong match for us.
  5. Men don’t speak hint. This makes our agenda clear.

Dating sites notes (whether long or medium term or hookups or casual sex):

  1. Tinder, Bumble, Badoo apps: mostly shorter term and casual relationships (aka hook ups or casual sex)
  2. PlentyofFish.com, match.com, okcupid.com: short to longer term relationships
  3. eHarmony.com, christiansingles.com, most non-free dating sites: wedding invites already in the mail

There are also specialty sites like let’s hang out (“casual” daters), pinkcupid.com (lesbian alert), ourtime.com (the “mature” crowd), fitness-singles.com (narcissists), sugardaddie.com (desperate), adultfriendfinder.com (kinky bastards … AJ deletes own profile a-sa… jk jk)


Knowing what you want—a short, medium or long-term relationship—is the first step to figuring out which sites and apps are suitable for your relationship goals. No goal is wrong as long as you’re being honest about it. It’s okay to be clear in your profile about what you’re looking for. In fact, doing so is kind and smart.

xo AJ

p.s. If you’re on a dating site, yes, you do need my free (short & funny) ebook with advice for online dating. They’re free!… Online dating site tips for chicks and online dating site tips for dicks. You’re welcome.

About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)

Leave a Comment: