Why Am I Attracted To Jerks?

The question, “Why Am I Attracted to Jerks?” is asked by men and women.

Women fall for unavailable men all. the. time.

Men go for bitches.

What gives? Why are we attracted to the wrong partner and why do we attract the wrong partners?

This is a complex issue but I’m a gonna sum up in as short a post as possible.

The main reasons we’re attracted to jerks, er, I mean the wrong (for us) partners, are:

  1. We have emotional shit from our childhood that we haven’t dealt with even if we’re aware of said crappola. As cliche as it is, our poop-storm of emotional baggage likely started with our parents (or primary caretakers). why do i like jerksWe go for the “good” and “bad” traits in a romantic partner that unconsciously remind us of one or both of our parents. If our parents were critical we go for a perfectionist who us “helps us be/do better” (read: makes us feel inferior and not good enough); if we were emotionally or literally abandoned, we go for someone who will leave us or not be there for us or treat us so horribly that we leave them—like constantly telling us we’re “needy” when really they’re “emotionally unavailable”.
  2. We like a challenge. It’s been said for eons that men like a chase. They’re the hunters and they value what they must work for. I’ve found this to be true. And guess what? Women like a challenge, too! Go figure. But there’s a difference between a healthy challenge (emotional or intellectual growth-stimulating partnership) and flat out I-can’t-have-you-so-I-SO-want-you or the classic bitches-be-babes ideal.
  3. We have broken pickers. We don’t know what the hell we want so we keep getting whatever comes along because they smell / look / taste good *twinkle*. See my Fix Your Picker and Stop Picking Fixer Uppers blog post.

Awareness, acknowledgment and acceptance of our history, tendencies and fallibilities is the first step to changing our self-defeating pattern of going for Mr/Mrs Wrong-Run-Away-Fast!

Because if we always do what we’ve always done, we’ll always get what we’ve always gotten. Bam! (And, damn.)


  1. We can overcome unhealthy attractions
  2. We all have baggage; the right match has the right baggage for us and vice to the versa!
  3. Fixing our pickers starts with a Top 5 Must Have list (see my article on elephantjournal)

I’ll be covering more of the “how to date better / be better / attract your right mate” in my upcoming online study-in-yo-PJs programs #FixYourPicker and #WakeUp2Luv. Subscribe to Wingmam newsletter to stay in the loop and get exclusive bonuses and/or discounts. Why? Because I heart you.

Have a dating, mating or love question? Ask in the comments and I may write about it!

xo AJ

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About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)

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How Childhood Trauma Affects Adult Rejection - Wingmam says December 1, 2016

[…] We are attracted to what is familiar, not to what is healthy. […]

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