Can We Change the Chemistry of Who We’re Attracted To?

If Only I Could be Attracted to the Good Ones

“But, Anna, I’m only attracted to bad boys.” “But, Anna, I’m only attracted to bitches.”

That’s because your pheromones are fucked up.

Whaaa …?

Yep. And that’s totally normal.

Here’s the deal. We are attracted to familiarity. This means we generally go for a partner who has both the good and bad characteristics of one or both of our primary caretakers.

Being attracted to people like our parents continues to happen unless and until we figure our family shit out. In other words, we work through the unresolved baggage we collected from childhood.

The good news is that we don’t need to delve into our past and dig up all that feel-bad stuff to get over it. (Oh, now you love me … well, don’t send me chocolate just yet.)

Even though I can give you the map to the love meadow and save you a bunch of time and frustration, it ain’t easy work getting there. You still gotta do the bushwhacking. But you will get there faster with a map!

What has this to do with who we’re attracted to? Great question.

For anyone reading this who’s already been in a failed, er, I mean practice relationship, you might want to acknowledge that at some point after the relationship ended, you were no longer attracted to the person. Unless, you’re a sadist or have unresolved issues with the person.

So, what happened? You once had the total hots for this person. Now, the thought of kissing them is ewwww.

Here’s what happened … Your chemistry changed. (And likely theirs did, too.) You are no longer a biological sexual match.

Essentially your brain, through all those experiences with said person, learned that being with this person wasn’t in your long-term best interest―the brain defaults to a survival setting―and re-wired itself (chemically) so that the pheromones from that person no longer stimulate all those feel-good, must-mate-now hormones. Your sex-mating receptors no longer fit together.

Go through enough practice relationships and your brain will automatically start to produce pheromones that match with the next right partner. I say next right partner because until we get past our unresolved mommy/daddy issues, we’ll likely continue to attract and be attracted to partners who trigger these hurt parts of us―yes, that makes these partners right. Same shit, different dude. Or dudette.

We may be able to work through our stuff with a partner and stay together, depending on how aware we are and how committed to personal and relationship growth both partners are.

And this is why I’m single.

I’ve had five practice relationships including a marriage. I’ve been obsessed with personal growth since I was a teenager, but it wasn’t until I was in those relationships that I was able to work through most my childhood stuff, which included a lot of icky bits. (See memoir―Me: A Rewrite.) And even having studied self-help and psychology extensively, I still went through several frustrating and sad years “fixing” me.

Now, even though I experience situational sadness, I’m generally a happy person and love myself. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true. This is remarkable because I literally used to hate myself. (And life.) There was a point in my life when I actually asked God to give me cancer because offing myself would’ve been too painful for my family.

I’m sharing this personal woe-was-me sob story because I figured out how to get past my past and be happy, and I can help save you a lot of years of suffering, tissues and bad relationship issues.

But also, I’m no longer attracted to bad boys or men who have unresolved childhood, or adulthood, stuff―men who wouldn’t add joy to my already happy life now.

I remember a girl friend saying to me a while ago, “But, Anna, what if you become so happy that you don’t need a man?”

This question still makes me laugh, because fortunately or unfortunately, it’s true. I don’t need anyone to make me happy―I’m already irritatingly happy! So, if I meet someone who adds to that bliss, maybe his pheromones will be a right match. So far I haven’t sniffed out any such man.

Don’t worry. I won’t guide you toward such happiness that you won’t want a partner. But I will help you figure out a get-happy plan that works for you. And being happy is attractive and then, yes, you’ll be beating them off with that big-ass zucchini.

If you’re ready to settle down without settling, maybe you’re ready to WakeUP2Luv …

Ok, now you may send me the chocolate. You’re welcome. 😉

xo AJ

P.S. Dear God, you did get the “cancel the cancer” memo, right? Amen.

About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)

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