Depression and Dating Advice for Men

Depression and Dating

If you suffer from depression, then this video on depression and dating is for you.

Depression affects your ability to meet, date and have relationships with women.

So it’s important you realize how it impacts your dating and relationship success, and what you can do about it.

The challenge with depression and dating is if you’re really depressed you likely don’t even have the motivation to even get started never mind go on dates if you actually meet someone who’s willing.

Another difficult reality is when you’re depressed even if you do have enough energy to get out there, the options are fewer because depression isn’t on high quality women’s list of attractive traits.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear but it’s probably not something you don’t already know.

So my general advice for depression and dating is to make focusing on resolving your depression your priority.

Otherwise, as many of you already know, you’re going to be disappointed which exacerbates depression.

You may be wondering who am I to talk about depression and how you can get over it and enjoy a great relationship?

I’ll share my short depression story and how I overcame it in a moment.

But in case you’re not sure if you’re depressed or not, let’s look at the symptoms of depression.

What is Depression?

Depression is characterized by:

  • Hopelessness
  • Helplessness
  • Overwhelm
  • Jumping to conclusions
  • Self-labelling
  • Undervaluing rewards
  • Perfectionism
  • Fear of failure
  • Or! Fear of success
  • Fear of disapproval / criticism
  • Coercion “I should / you should…”
  • Low frustration tolerance
  • Guilt / self-blame

If you experience several of these for an on-going time, you may be depressed.

Depression has many causes: whether bio/neuro- chemical, phyiolgocial/physical or emotionally based or any combination therein.

The good news is depression is only caused by heredity in about 16% of people and there are still ways to feel better.

I’m not a psychologist so if you’re having thoughts of exiting stage left you need to reach out to a professional therapist or other mental health expert.

The suggestions herein come from my own learnings and from Dr. David Burns book, Feeling Good.

What I can offer is empathy. I’ve experienced depression.

I tried to exit stage left when I was 15 years old, seriously considered it at 25 years old and thought about it again at 45 years old.

So, yeah, I know a bit about depression.

Cliff Notes on My Depression Story

*Trigger Warning*

I had several traumatic events in childhood—from sexual abuse to the death of my dad to the attempted suicide of my mom—so it’s no wonder I didn’t think life could get any better.

After a pill popping incident when I was a teen, a shrink helped me decide to stick around.

But I didn’t stick with the shrink long enough to learn how to deal with the deck I was handed early on in life.

By 25 years old, I was a successful REALTOR®️ and had a good man who would become my future husband, but still felt emotionally messed up and this lead to my second brush with wanting to join my dad in Heaven.

My beau and a good friend intervened and I went off to an intense four day group therapy sob fest.

The program was extremely challenging but it gave me the tools to not step back into those dark waters again even through a heart wrenching divorce until…

In 2016, my little mom got cancer and died.

She was my person in the world and I was beyond devastated.

Again, I thought of joining her and my pop with the Lord.

But even though I called my doctor to ask for a DNR to be put on my file in case I was lucky enough to get hit by a bus, I knew I wouldn’t be the one making the exit call.

(My doctor refused my request, of course, and though I asked if I could call back in 6 months, we both knew I wouldn’t.)

I’d battled the Depression Beast and won again.

I still have moments of sadness, disappointment and frustration but I haven’t been depressed since then.

When you can recall a story, situation or experience without pain or numbness, though they’ll likely be scars, you’ve healed from the worst of it.

The tools I’ve used to heal were well used and are now stored in my emotional shed should I ever need them again.

Reality Land

Thoughts are things. They not only matter—they are matter!

Thoughts are physical, chemical and electrical pathways in the brain.

And thoughts affect feelings which affect our biology and physiology.

On the flip side, our physiology affects our biology which affects our feelings and thoughts.

That’s right, it’s a never ending loop working in both directions.

Our moods are created by our thoughts.

Our thoughts create our perceptions, beliefs and biases.

They are not objective reality!

Depression and dating won’t likely work out well for you until you get your thoughts in order.

Solutions to Depression

For some people with depression, medications help; for others, cognitive therapy helps.

Sometimes, people need both.

You should talk to your doctor about whether or not medication could be beneficial for you.

In the meantime, let’s look at what you can do on the cognitive side.

Think Positive

I know, I know, it’s an outdated catchphrase.

But it happens to be true.

Negative thinking increases depression.

Try to turn your negative thoughts around by asking yourself these questions:
  1. Is this thought really true?
  2. How might it not be true?
  3. If it is true, what could the silver lining be?
  4. True? What can I do about the situation?
  5. If there’s nothing to do, how can I learn to live with this?

Correct Distorted Automatic Thoughts

Most people think their depression is special.

Let’s have closer look…

Distorted Thoughts:
  1. All or nothing absolute thinking
  2. Over generalizing (“always” “never” thinking even if it’s the only time)
  3. Mental filter only collects negatives
  4. Disqualifying positives (ex. Rejecting sincere compliments or turning +s into-s)
  5. Automatic negative conclusions #mindreading #assuming
  6. Magnifying self errors; minimizing self wins
  7. Emotional reasoning (using feelings to justify negative traits; I feel guilty so I must be bad)
  8. Bitterness from guilt and judging self & others
  9. Labelling self instead of behaviours; I am vs I did (often exaggerated)
  10. Over personalizing everything

Some of these distorted thought patterns may feel a little too familiar!

Examples of All or Nothing & Over Generalizing Thoughts

  • I always mess up.
  • I never get it right.
  • She always ignores me.
  • She never texts me back.
  • All women are gold diggers.
  • No women are trustworthy.
  • She’ll reject me, I’m such a loser.
  • I’m poor/short/ugly, no woman would want me.

Some of these distorted thoughts probably feel familiar, too. Am I right?

But feelings are not facts.

We all look for evidence to support our beliefs and then justify our biases.

But many negative feelings are based on mental distortions.

Ask yourself: If this wasn’t true, what could the evidence look like?

About 80% of depressed people feel defeated, defective, deserted and/or deprived and have low self-esteem.

And while you can’t build self-esteem based on eternal actions or circumstances you can influence your self-esteem in a positive way by getting out of your comfort zone and trying new things.

Taking action toward a goal releases dopamine, one of the feel good hormones.

Action toward a goal without attachment to the outcome also helps you build trust in yourself to handle outcomes.

This is the basis of my WakeUP2Luv program—small, actionable steps toward the goal.

It works on the thoughts = feelings = behaviours = feelings = thoughts loop mentioned earlier.

Combining consistency, time, effort to get to a place where you can actually achieve the desired goal (get an amazing girlfriend).

Find out more about my WakeUp2Luv program here.

Accountability

Reality Land: You are 100% responsible for your own feelings. We all are.

No one can make you feel a certain way.

Others can certainly purposefully or accidentally be the trigger that sets us off, but anything anyone else does is subject to how we interpret it.

This is actually good news! It means you have some control of your experiences.

For example, if someone has criticized you, directly or indirectly, you can ask yourself—
  1. Is this really true?
  2. If it is true, how can I learn and grow from it?

If it isn’t true, is there any realistic benefit (other than my own ego) to trying to change the other person’s mind or am I better off to simply disregard the criticism?

Note: If you choose to try to persuade the other person into changing their mind about you, the best way to do that is with empathy and understanding by asking questions.

Key point!

Empathy and understanding! Defence leads to offence. #begenuinelycurious

Remember anger can be sometimes necessary and valid because it lets us know when something isn’t ok.

But it can also be a self-sabotaging mechanism by making us feel superior and in control.

We all think differently and operate from our own value systems.

Fair is relative.

Try not to take things personally but do speak up respectfully when you have needs that aren’t being met or boundaries that are being crossed.

How to Help Yourself Get Over Depression

  • Talk back to the negative self-critic. (Be your own coach!)
  • Keep track of negative thoughts and work through them logically.
  • Focus on real problems that have solutions.
  • DO something different. Doing = dopamine!
  • Make a list of to-do’s; plan; take action.
  • Record & debunk your distorted thoughts.
    • Thought: She’ll reject me.
    • Distortion: I’m not good enough.
    • Reality: We don’t know if we’re suitable.
  • Change your language. (Change should/but to could/and; need to to want to; can’t to choose not to.)
    • I should workout but I’m too tired vs I could workout and I will after a nap.
    • My finances suck, I need to get my shit together vs I want to / will get my finances in order.
    • I can’t approach unknown women vs I choose not to approach unknown women.
  • Before bed, image tomorrow’s to-do list with positive outcomes.
  • List positive consequences of doing the thing.
  • List potential negatives of trying; turn those into silver linings!

Bonus Tips & Solutions!

Get your testosterone checked!

Hormones affect mood and low T can cause depression!

(Use this link and code: Anna30 to get 30% off. Note: I get paid if you use this link, thank you for supporting my channel.)

If your depression is caused by an imbalance in hormones, that could be a simple fix.

Get WakeUP2Luv!

If your depression comes from low self-esteem, then my WakeUP2Luv program may help you with depression and dating.

It provides specific step-by-step guidance for how to get to the Love Meadow.

Note: WakeUP2Luv won’t cure depression and it does have a lot of self-reflection exercises so if you’re fragile, I recommend working through it with a mental health care professional.

But be fair warned, it’s a comprehensive program with a lot of at home and real world actionable homework, but if you do the work it’ll change your life.

Some of it is what I used to get over depression, crippling shyness and become successful in whatever I’ve put my mind to.

Get Professional Help!

Again, if you have seriously considered joining the good Lord above before your appointed time, seek professional help.

You may not know why just yet and I know what that feels like, but think of it this way, what if I listened to my depressed self and joined my family in heaven at any of the times I was depressed?

I wouldn’t be here helping you now.

The world needs you in it and God has a plan for you even if you don’t know what that is (yet).

So, if nothing herein helps, I urge you to please seek professional help.

Get Help & Help Others!

Helping others releases feel good endorphins.

That help counteracts depression and dating advice from others in the same boat who’ve found love can give you hope.

If you’ve found solutions to depression that have worked for you, please visit this video on YouTube and leave a comment there (where the greatest number of men will see your comment).

As well, if anything in this video struck a chord with you, or if you think depression has been holding you back from finding a great partner, and you simply want to share your thoughts, please do.

One of the biggest problems guys face is not getting things off their chest.

It all builds up and gets 10 times worse.

So you can ease your suffering a little and let me and my other viewers know they’re not alone by sharing your views or experiences.

Sometimes, all it takes is talking about it or seeing that someone else has a similar problem to start your journey to healing.

The more you open up, the more you can start welcoming intimacy and connection into your life.

Big hug, big love.

God bless,
Anna

 

And an older version for yah!

About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)

Leave a Comment:

2 comments
Rodney Glasgow says September 10, 2021

I don’t know what to say. You seem to have said it all. “Thanks” for what you do.

Reply
    Rodney Glasgow says September 10, 2021

    Well OK – it’s impressive that you’ve added this discussion to your repertoire of fun and exciting videos to inspire and help the other half. The value-added quality of this to your overall work will be of tremendous help to men. I really mean that, even if very few ever respond to this important episode of your informative and fun-filled corpus of videos about what is most dear to all our hearts. Even in silence, know that we are appreciative.

    Reply
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