Love Bombing 101! What is Love Bombing?
Is it a GOOD Idea or SUPER BAD?
What’s love bombing?
Love bombing is basically using all the love languages to sweep her off her feet!
But! And this is critical…
Depending if you’re coming from a place of desperation (low value) or of discernment (high value) determines if it’s a good idea or super bad idea.
You see, fine gentlemen, it’s not really about what you do or say but the mindset behind those actions and words that either trigger her to be intrigued or totally turned off.
Love bombing is when you shower her with affection, attention, compliments, kind deeds and even gifts.
You basically throw all the love languages at her.
What are love languages?
Love languages are the way people express and expect love.
Typically, we each give and receive what we experience as love in five different ways, which we’ll cover in a moment.
Love Bombing: Good Idea or Not So Much?
In order for love bombing to be a good thing, you must do it without chasing or smothering her or she’ll feel INSTANTLY turned off.
“But Anna, this sounds too complicated. I’m out.”
Oh ye of little patience, stick with me, it’s not as confusing as it sounds.
Narcissistic Love Bombing
Some of you may have learned the term “love bomb” if you ever dated a narcissist.
And if you have, you’ll naturally be a little suspicious of love bombing being a good thing.
Narcissists often use love bombing to regain the affection and attention of someone who’s had just about enough of their selfishness and emotional abuse.
Narcissists use love bombing to manipulate!
Healthy Love Bombing
Love bombing in and of itself isn’t bad; it’s all about the mindset, intent and character of the person doing the love bombing.
In fact, in order to keep a keeper, you’ll want to love bomb her forever after.
And she should do the same for you! Relationships require effort.
Love bombing isn’t steady fire. It’s random “once and done” hits.
Scarcity = value.
The more often you do something, the more easily it comes to be expected.
So randomness increases the value of each love bomb mission.
“You’re losing me, Anna!”
Ok, ok, let’s look at some examples to make it more clear…
First, what are the basic love languages?
5 Love Languages
- Physical touch
- Quality time
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
Often we don’t realize the person of our affection has a different love language than we do because in the courting stage we tend to display all of them.
Then, as time goes by, we settle in to what our own typical love language is.
If you need acts of service to feel loved but she craves quality time, even when each of you expresses love for each other, it may not be felt by the other person.
You appreciate when she makes you your favourite dinner but she appreciates when you provide undistracted and focused time with her.
So you tend to do nice little things for her that she often doesn’t even seem to notice.
But at the same time, she tries to lock you down to spend time with her when you’ve got a thousand other things to get done.
You drag her along with you to get those things done, thinking you’re spending time together—“isn’t that good enough?”—but it’s not focused attention so she gets cranky or bows out.
We all tend to assume others experience love the same way we do.
So, you drive her to an appointment thinking your kind act of service will be appreciated but you’re on the phone the whole time making appointments or whatever.
She feels frustrated you’re distracted when you could be taking advantage of “being together” even if you’re not talking about or doing anything specific.
Let’s say your love language is words of affirmation so you need to be told she loves you or that she’s proud to be with you or whatever.
You need these types of praises.
And her love language is gifts.
She buys you things you don’t really need and think are a waste of money, but she never expresses the sweet things you’d rather have.
If you stick with me til the end I’ll share my true story of opposite love languages with a guy I dated.
What to Do
Make sure you know your partner’s primary love language and then make sure you’re expressing your thoughtfulness in her language.
Also, let her know what yours is and ask her to try to express love to you in your primary love language.
There’s a quick little quiz you can do to find out what your languages are.
Love Languages Matter!
Typically, we have more than one love language but they tend to be on a scale of most important to least important, or even undesired.
I do not like receiving gifts. It makes me feel like someone wants something from me and/or obligates me to get them something. Receiving gifts feels shallow and commercial to me.
But to someone who’s primary love language is gifts, it’s not as much about the cost of the gift but the meaning in it and their thoughtfulness in choosing it.
So, is love bombing a good idea or super bad?
Again, it depends on the intention.
Manipulation, no es bueno!
Love bombing solely to get something—affection for you, forgiveness of you, you-owe-me—is selfish and super bad.
But love bombing with the purpose of giving something—affection for her, forgiveness of her, I-appreciate-you—is unselfish and super good!
Make sure you’re in a place of love and accountability and not in a place of fear and desperation if you’re going to love bomb her.
She might not be able to articulate why one feels different but she will feel it and know it.
My Love Language Miscommunication Story
If you read my memoir, you know I dated a rich guy once.
To be fair, at the time, I was making bank in real estate sales (though, I was nowhere near his income).
But even though we dated for over a year, I had no idea he actually cared for me.
His primary love language was acts of service, which is my second least important. (Gifts being not only unimportant but uncomfortable.)
My primary love language is physical affection followed by quality time.
My top two love languages were least important and uncomfortable to him! (He also had little value for words of affirmation or gifts.)
He never told me he loved me and would never cuddle or hold my hand.
I never felt loved by him. In fact, I felt deeply unloved by him.
It was only way after we’d broken up I found out he loved me and was planning to ask me to marry him.
I then remembered we’d an argument because I told him I’d never wear a big-ass honking diamond ring, which I guess he would have wanted.
But when I almost got stuck in Seattle after my next boyfriend went to jail suddenly (see memoir) and I was trying to flee the US to get back to Canada, I ended up calling my wealthy ex-BF.
I know, cringe factor: 10, typical woman! (This was over ten years ago, btw.)
Anyway, he’d always said he’d be there for me as a friend and he immediately offered to drive down to Seattle, from Vancouver, and get me.
He was a busy guy running a few companies so his offer shocked me, but looking back it’s clear his love language is acts of service.
Mismatched Love Languages
If his love language had been gifts, he’d have offered a plane ticket.
It would have been more affordable given what his time was worth. (I wouldn’t have accepted, anyway, because gifts is last on my list.)
But he didn’t say, “I wish I could hug you right now,” which would have been most meaningful to me.
Ultimately, our beliefs and values didn’t match, but not understanding at the time how important the differences in our love languages were and how those differences contributed to neither of us feeling loved by the other.
If you’re in a relationship, knowing your and your partner’s love language will help you love bomb them in the ways that matter most to them.
And will help you get through the challenging times.
If you’re not in relationship, knowing the love languages when dating will help you spot the love language of the person you’re interested in so you can love bomb them effectively.
Without being needy, desperate or low value.
Thanks for being here, God bless!
p.s. If you do tend to be needy, desperate or feel low value, my WakeUP2Luv program will help immensely with getting over those feelings!!
Yep, even in today’s crazy world!
Thank you for the great information Anna. I believe I have an inkling of why my last marriage went south. We are still friends and still see each other from time to time. I will try to put this information to good use in the future, not to reconstitute my previous marriage, but hopefully to be a better friend. Thanks again.
Glad you found value and I hope it does help your relationship! 🙂
I needed words of affirmation from her, she was not about that. Not giving nor receiving. Physical touch she’d give me, but didn’t like it herself. A woman that didn’t want me to rub her leg with my toe under the table or in the sand? Nope she outright told me she didn’t like it! I wish I could have changed my habit then. Her little gifts I cherish still, she got cut flowers often from me. After the breakup I learn these things, duh. Love is complicated. I’m alone now, but more understanding than ever. I’d love to have her back in my life somehow. Thank you Anna. I’d never have figured it out alone.
Thank you for sharing your story and my heart goes out to you! We often learn the most from the painful experiences, unfortunately. Work on you and the right one will show up, whether it is this one or another. 🙂
Thanks for the Love Language expose. This was a genuine winner insight for me.
Simple but unguessed.
Worldview matters, and his is a significant part of that for couples, I suspect.
You’re welcome, thank you for watching! I’m glad you found some value and yes, worldview if often part of our belief systems. They don’t need to be completely the same but they should at least be complementary. 🙂