No matter what it looks like to the outside world, there are often subtle signs you might be an abused man.
This applies whether you just started dating, have been dating for awhile or are in a committed relationship.
Yes, sometimes, it’s obvious. Like if she’s throwing things in your direction, or worse.
Other times the signs you might be an abused man (or will be if you get with the girl you think you want) are way more subtle.
But if you don’t do something about it, things will get worse…
…and next thing you know you’re second guessing yourself and asking her permission to do just about anything…
If you feel like you’re always on eggshells with her, this post is for you.
This isn’t going to be a video about Will Smith or Johnny Depp.
But, if you really like the gal you’re into—or would like to get into ;)—but you googled “signs you might be an abused man,” that is actually sign #1.
If your gut instinct has you searching for help on the internet that really could be a sign you might be an abused man.
Men are too quick to dismiss their gut instinct, especially when it comes to matters of the heart and loins.
But men do have intuition and if that intuition has brought you here then you need to be here!
The second sign you might be an abused man is if you fight a lot and…
…those fights lead to her gaslighting you!
What is gaslighting?
It’s when she switches the truth to make you feel like you’re the crazy one.
She wants you to go to the Farmers’ Market with her Saturday morning…
“I’d really like you to go with me, it’s important to me..”
Even though you’re exhausted from working OT, you drag your butt out of bed to go with her.
But you’re so tired you get in a fender bender on the way.
Not only does she freak out because you didn’t make it but she blames you for not taking care of yourself…
And when you tell her you keep your promises to her when they’re important she says…
“It wasn’t important.”
You reply, “You said it was.”
Her, “You misinterpreted. Again.”
If this is you, stick with me, I’ve got a solution.
And no, it doesn’t automatically always mean ditch and run.
At first when you meet her you want to spend all your time together.
But if you’re only spending time together, that’s not healthy.
And if she’s controlling who you spend your time with, that’s a subtle sign you might be an abused man.
Especially if you’ve started losing friends or time with family you really care about because she’s convinced they’re not good for you.
But there’s no real or reasonable reason she feels that way.
She’s closing you off from social contacts so you only have her left making you feel like you can’t leave her.
Note: Make sure you’re not practicing any of these unhealthy behaviours.
And again, if you are, there is a solution, stick with me.
If you feel like you can’t have a difficult conversation about something that needs to be discussed because…
…she either lies, denies or manipulates you…
…that’s a signs you might be an abused man.
You want to talk to her about not constantly trash talking your family who are genuinely good hearted folk truly looking out for your best interests.
But when you bring it up she says, “I love your mom, I just don’t like her interfering in your life.” #lie
Or, “I’ve never said I don’t like them.” #deny
Or, “I just want what’s best for you, babe. Why do you have to always turn it around and make me the bad guy?” #manipulate
Which brings us to…
If she doesn’t trust you even though you’ve never done anything to make her feel that way, red flag.
Hint: A singular red flag doesn’t mean you have to leave. None of us is perfect. A red flag means something’s gotta give! #change
Maybe she had a crappy childhood that lead to crappy relationships.
We’ve all gone through stuff. We’ve all got some baggage.
But just because you can explain why she’s emotionally abusive doesn’t mean you should excuse it!
Read that again.
You’ve done nothing wrong. Like, nothing.
But she accuses you of cheating.
You have to show her your phone every time you go out, because she’s been burned before.
Hint: You are not responsible for paying the debts of her past.
That’s not to say you don’t help each other work through your baggage, but if your whole purpose in the relationship is to unpack her large suitcase of distrust…
…that could be a subtle sign you might be an abused man.
Which is why you need to have standards, boundaries and the ability to set and follow through on consequences if those boundaries are disrespected.
Which brings us to…
She ignores your boundaries and flies off the handle when you bring it up.
Hint: Boundaries are healthy and necessary.
Tip: The difference between an ultimatum and boundary with consequences is in its delivery.
Is it coming from a place of love, both self-love and love for your partner or is it coming from a place of pure selfishness.
If her reactions exceed reasonable standards for the crime and everything you do is a crime, no es bueno.
Now, if you thought that was bad, this last one may be worse because there’s no tangible evidence.
There’s a huge difference between loving, constructive feedback and character assassination.
Hint: Feedback focuses on your behaviour. Criticism focuses on you as a person. Contempt expresses superiority over you.
If she makes subtle but disparaging comments about you as a person… perhaps even under the guise of helping you or…
…she spins your wins into losses by pointing out where you could’ve done better…
She may have no respect left for you and will treat you with contempt.
No matter what you do, she rolls her eyes at you or looks at you with disgust.
You tell her you got a raise or promotion.
She says, “It’s about time. You should’ve asked for it a long time ago.”
The first thing to know, and you might not like this but it will help you, is…
We teach people how to treat us.
So, the more of these abusive behaviours you’ve experienced the more you’ve let her get away with.
Hint: If you let her disrespect you, you don’t respect yourself enough.
…to overtly express your standards and boundaries either in the beginning or as situations arise and…
…follow through on the consequences of her those boundaries being disrespected.
It’s way more difficult to turn a ship in around when it’s out of the harbour.
Hint: It’s way more difficult to retrain someone once we’ve let them develop the habit of treating us a certain way.
Other than contempt, most of these behaviours can be changed if they’re caught soon enough and she’s not really a narcissist or psychopath.
You must have standards, express expectations and boundaries…provided you’re not completely selfish or narcissistic.
(Probably not if you’re here!)
Ignoring bad behaviour teaches others what they can get away with.
If you’ve had trouble setting or expressing boundaries or sticking to them, I highly encourage you to talk to a therapist.
There’s a wonderful online therapy option that’s totally private and allows you to get help from anywhere there’s a wifi or cell signal.
But wherever you choose to get professional help, please do.
Nothing changes if you don’t change.
You can only control your own behaviour.
Love is not enough. But you must start with loving and respecting yourself.
I’ve said it many times…
…women mirror your feelings about you!
If you allow her to treat you poorly, that shows you don’t love and respect yourself enough…
…which means she won’t either.
And the next thing you know you’re smacking Chris Rock at the Oscars or you’re in court defending yourself against false abuse accusations.
If you’re struggling in your relationship or know you have self-esteem issues, please consider talking to a therapist or couples’ relationship coach.
Thanks for being here, BIG HUG, God bless.
Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)