Not surprisingly, I got this question from a few fellas during or after Christmas aka “All I Got For Christmas Was Fat” season.
This is a heavy topic. #badpun
Every chick reading this wants to punch you—and me for writing this— in the face, but I’m going to turn this one around and make it fair for both sides with the equivalent question men face—
What’s that? No fair? Actually, it is fair.
But let’s go back to the original conundrum of the fat GF.
Men are sexual, visually stimulated creatures.
Don’t get pissy, ladies, because men like all shapes and sizes. But when they sign up for something that they love love love in the beginning and then you move the goal posts by getting fat—or getting skinny if he signed up for fat and fab—then that’s not fair.
Let’s look at the equivalent.
Women’s primary need is to feel safe.
Don’t get pouty, boys, because she obviously felt safe enough to be with you this long.
But when you don’t contribute what you used to, then it stands to reason that your gal isn’t going to feel financially safe for long, even—sometimes especially—if she’s the one bringing home the bacon.
Men and women need to remember the qualities they liked about the opposite sex, but they also need to remember what their partner liked about them in the beginning.
People grow and change over time. Partnerships evolve over time.
As long as you’re growing in a positive way—not in the waistline, ladies; or in debt, dude—then your coupledom can continue copulation. Sexual tension is intoxicatingly good; negative tension is a turn-off.
Every relationship has lumps and bumps bigger than her new ass, but how do you know when to keep on “keeping on” and how do you know when to cut and run?
It’s time to let go and move on when…
You’ve been 100% all in without any expectations (her losing her fat ass or him finding a job) and giving giving giving and loving loving loving your partner “as is where is”… but your partner still hasn’t been able—or willing—to give love back to you or him or herself.
The root cause of her fat ass (/his lack of employment) is a lack of love, either for you, and / or for her(/him)self, because …
If she loves you, she’ll want to love love love and give give give, which looks like her losing her ass. (Same deal on the job.)
If she loves herself, she’ll love love love her new fat ass, or she’ll do what it takes to lose it. (Same deal on the job.)
If nothing changes, and therefore, you can’t be happy with your partner, you’ll both eventually be happier by moving on.
You’ve got to have the balls, whether you’re a man or woman, to tell the god-awful truth to your partner. It’s the loving thing to do. Because …
We can’t change what we don’t acknowledge.
If we go into a difficult discussion about our needs (our partner losing weight or getting a job) with loving intention and willingness to share our truth, we provide our partner with the information they need to know to decide if they want to change.
How much time do I give my partner to change back, Anna?
That’s up to you. You get to decide. Generally, the longer you’ve been together and / or the longer the situation has existed and been bothersome will determine how much time you give.
But this is like an ultimatum, Anna.
Yes, it is.
Here’s what never works to get your partner to change:
You gotta lead with love!
If you’re not meant to be together because she’s liking her new fat ass, then, Honey, learn to love it or move on and let her be found by someone who will love her new fat ass.
And if you’re not meant to be together because he likes being an unemployed bum, then, Honey, move on and let him snooze or be with his boozing buddies until he gets his ass into a new career.
(Hey, fellas, this last bit might not seem fair, but the truth is that when you do decide to get your ass back to work, there’ll always be another Honey out there who’ll dig that. And by the way, when you’re not working, your gal doesn’t feel safe. When she doesn’t feel safe, sometimes she be turning to comfort food. You ever consider that?)
For a more flowery version of this article, go to elephant journal here.
Written for a few weary, write-in queries and inspired by the radio segment Love Her But Not Attracted Anymore from the ever-offending Tom Leykis Show.
And in case there is still a question of men loving large ladies, check out the Facebook page: WE LOVE BIG WOMEN!!!!! So, if you a bigger babe, quit bitchin ’bout your belly or booty and start livin large! 😉
Sorry, fellas, I couldn’t find any groups or articles on women who love unemployed men.
Dating, Love and Relationship Coach Founder: Wingmam, Vancouver, Canada Warning: Not PC, not a feminist ❤️