Category: Guest Post Y'all!, Tips For Chicks | By:  Anna Jorgensen | 0 Comments


I Deserve Better: Is It True?

Guest Post by … My Editor! C. Boucher

As the saying goes, “I’ve been around the block a few times.” I didn’t find my wonderful, long-term relationship until my early 40s. Before then, I had plenty of crash courses that helped me realize what I didn’t want in a relationship. I became more discerning with time and more trusting of myself.

That’s why I questioned myself when I heard these phrases come out of my mouth while in this “wonderful” relationship: “I deserve better” and “my needs aren’t being met.”

In certain circles, we hear these phrases more often. They come disguised as sage advice from a friend or a coach, in a self-help book or online article, but for me, the phrases now come across as trite, meaningless remarks.

I Deserve Better

I questioned this phrase when I heard my inner parrot say it because I had worked hard on myself to become the kind of person that would attract the kind of person I wanted. I was clear about what I was looking for in the person I wanted. And I got the person! So, why was I saying I deserve better?

To me, this phrase is the “eject button,” meant to empower us to get out of unhealthy relationships. But I think it can fuel our self-sabotage routine and feed our inner princess. It’s definitely not a balm for when an otherwise healthy relationship hits a rough patch.

If I pushed the eject button and landed in another relationship a year down the road, would I be saying it again when we hit a rough patch? And again in the next relationship?

It’s not that I don’t believe you deserve a healthy relationship. But it would be more apt to say that I wholeheartedly believe that you deserve a Top 5 Deal Makers list and Top 5 Deal Breakers list, as Anna calls them — before you get into a relationship.

She advises that it isn’t easy work. Don’t sit down and write these lists over a cup of coffee. Why? Because if you’re standing in the shower one day, blue and miserable, telling yourself you deserve better, you can choose to quickly compare this situation against your two lists.

Does he still meet your criteria? If so, “whew”! Breakup averted!

That’s why you want a rock-solid list of Deal Makers and Deal Breakers. Because they’re going to be the boulders you lean on when your relationship is “on the rocks.”

My Needs Aren’t Being Met

This phrase is another eject button. This brings us to being very clear about your needs. These could be included in your Deal Maker and Deal Breaker lists, but they could comprise a Top 5 list of the things you need on an emotional level.

Again, it’s critical to take the time to know what your needs really are. Why? Because when you hear yourself saying, “My needs are being met,” and the rational side of yourself asks, “Are these needs or are these wants?” you can cross-check with your list.

Ooops, did you forget to add “I need to feel heard and supported when I talk about my sister’s illness”? Add it now! (And maybe make a note to yourself that there is a time limit before it becomes indulgence and you’re straining your boyfriend’s patience.)

Deal Maker to Include

When I wrote my list of must-haves and must-not-haves prior to this relationship, at the last minute I added, “He must adore me.” Duh! I can’t believe it hadn’t occurred to me before.

And whenever we have hit a rough patch, I’m happy to say that he has continued to adore me. Add it!

Author: C. Boucher

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AJ Note:

An extra benefit of having an editor is getting practical, real-world feedback! I love that my editor has a success story that supports what I preach: you gotta know what you want to get what you want.

A couple things I’d like to add about “not having our needs met” …

  1. We must clearly communicate the needs (or wants) we expect from our partner. Men aren’t even intuitive let alone mind-readers.
  2. We must determine which needs or wants (emotional or otherwise) we need from our partner and which we can (and perhaps “should”) meet ourselves.
  3. Emotional wants and needs are difficult to list in deal makers (“must-haves”) and deal breakers (“must-not haves”) lists, but if we’ve made sure that “compatible values” is on our must-have list then, when challenges come up in the relationship, we know we’ll have the tools to work through those situations.

Is this the year you’re going to find, attract and keep your Mr. Right? If you’re ready for your happily ever after, check out my WakeUP2Luv – Get a BF program. It’s time.


About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Dating, Love and Relationship Coach Founder: Wingmam, Vancouver, Canada Warning: Not PC, not a feminist ❤️


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