To manage bad boyfriend behaviour, first you need to discern if the boyfriend is bad or if it’s his behaviour that’s bad.
On a what do do when he cancels last minute blog post, Too Kind writes:
I’ve known for about 6 to 7 months now. He is always very nice and kind and we get along really well.
Just recently, he asked me to cook him something, which I did and I texted him to make plans to meet him at our yoga class to drop it off.
At the very last minute he texted to cancel saying something came up (he had visitors) and asked that I bring it the next day instead to yoga classes.
I assumed he’d be there so I took the food that day. He never texted and never showed.
I was more than a little pissed but did not contact him.
However, I do plan to let him know in a calm but firm fashion that I did not appreciate him asking me to bring it the following day and fail to show or even text to say something.
He could have simply just canceled altogether without asking me to bring it the next day.
He has never done this before and in my opinion is very well mannered so apart from being pissed, I’m surprised.
I haven’t heard from him since and this was 3 days ago. I did not contact him either because I do not feel it’s my place to do so at this point.
Is this the right approach? I really like this guy but I’m not a pushover and do not want to come across as one period.
(Forgive me for being a woman aka emotionally triggered by something that didn’t even happen to me!)
Well, based on what you’ve written, it sounds like either you are a pushover or you’re being used. For a guy to even ask you make and deliver a dinner to him is borderline narcissistic.
Don’t contact him.
Let him come to you with an apology not an excuse.
If his actions don’t match up with an apology, you can do better.
At the same time, don’t react.
Women truly are biologically wired to emotionally react (not to be confused with: respond) whereas men aren’t as emotional unless in extreme circumstances, typically involving life or death.
A ghosted meal pickup isn’t life or death.
He may have a legit explanation: Act of God, serious accident requiring hospitalization, someone died. (This stuff does happen and it’s the only allowable justification for not at least texting.)
There’s a difference between a bad boyfriend and bad behaviour.
A bad boyfriend cannot be inspired to change his wayward ways. His behaviour is his character, his nature, who he is.
Bad behaviour can be inspired to change. His behaviour is uncharacteristic, temporary due to extenuating circumstance, not who he is.
Sometimes, we’re so invested in the relationship that it’s hard to see the narcissist for the trees.
But managing bad boyfriend behaviour, whichever type, has the same MO.
Yes, wait. Don’t freak out. Don’t react.
You will jump to negative conclusions, that’s normal. Just don’t act on those ideas. Yet.
Calm down. Breathe. Give yourself enough space and time to do this.
What if you give your partner the benefit of the doubt?
If you’re wrong, there’s still time to investigate and formulate a plan.
If you’re right, and he’s somehow innocent (enough), then you’ve not damaged the relationship.
We are so bad at this as a gender. When a man messes up, we are the most brutal interrogators in the relationship court.
Ask what happened. One question at a time.
Let him answer!
When you __ I feel / felt __.
Be honest, direct and kind. If he’s a good man, he didn’t mean to hurt you!
Never say, “You made me feel…”
Nope. Sorry. No one has that kind of power over you. (Hint: That’s good news.)
Right now, I need __ from you. Can you do that for me?
In future, I need __ from you. Can you do that for me?
This is your conflict resolution lingo from now until forever.
And if he says yes or you negotiate something satisfactory for you both, add this…
Is there anything I can do to help you provide that for me?
Help him help you.
Men want to provide. Use that word.
You’re in this together.
And to score big points in the how to manage bad boyfriend behaviour game…
Ask him if there is anything he’d like to ask for you to change that he hasn’t mentioned.
Make sure you assure him that it’s safe to talk about it. You won’t get mad. (Hint: don’t get mad!)
Then watch his actions now and forever.
Remember, that it takes time for us to change our habits. Use gentle reminders, just as you would want from him.
If the behaviour doesn’t change with time and gentle reminders or if he doesn’t even want to try, you’ve got a bad boyfriend.
Have you had a situation where your dude wasn’t acting up to par? What happened? Let me know in the comments!
To become the kind of woman who can get any man she wants, check out my WakeUP2Luv video program: https://members.wingmam.com/get-men/
Vancouver Matchmaker and Dating, Love and Relationship Expert Founder: Wingmam