And Necessary and Healthy.
Setting boundaries is terrifying. Well, it is if you don’t like disappointing people. And if you’re a woman, there’s a pretty strong chance that setting boundaries feels a lot like letting others down.
By the way, the rest of this blog is modified from a post on my Facebook Page. If you’ve already read it, maybe God wants you to read it again? (And if you’re not a follower of my FB Page, you’re missing out on daily invaluable insights. And silliness! But whatever, laughter is good for the soul.)
I had an interesting “growth experience” recently. As a result, I asked some of my closest friends how they would like to be approached if ever I had a “bone to pick” with them, so to speak.
Six people responded, and all but two had different preferences!
So, that old saying “do unto others as you would have others do unto you” is basically BS when dealing with setting boundaries and difficult conversations.
What I learned is that if I am the one with the bone to pick, to be most loving I should approach the friend in their way. That means I gotta know what their way is and not assume it’s the same as my way.
(Though, I will add that if you have a choice between speaking up in your own way or burying the convo in a garden of resentment, then speak up in your way, prefacing with an acknowledgment of your scaredy-chicken reason for doing it that way!)
Here are the general answers I received:
- A face-to-face sit-down whenever possible (FaceTime as back up). You can pay attention to tone (emotion) and body language (discomfort).
- A phone call. You can pay attention to tone and have fewer misunderstandings.
- Email if fully thought out, thoughtful, and specific. You could leave less unsaid for those who panic or fold with in-person “conflict.” (This is my preference BTW.)
- Text or IM. An actual reply I got: “Why talk if u don’t have to or want to 🙂 big hug! You OK?”
- Depends on the situation, but generally when and how it feels right for [the person with the bone], but best when there’s some clarity.
Interesting, right?!
If we’re on the receiving end, before we react we’d all benefit by taking a moment to remember that the person contacting us not only cares for themself but also cares about the relationship. For them to have gathered the guts to reach out (even if imperfectly), they must be suffering. #compassion
Change is uncomfortable, but it’s also necessary for growth!!
I often think that if we are experiencing a negative emotion, it’s an opportunity for us to pause and ask ourselves, “What needs changing?”
Whatever we need to change is going to require courage! Because our comfort zone is called “comfort” for a reason, y’all!
But life, and FREEDOM FROM NEGATIVE EMOTIONS, begins outside our comfort zones.
Is there something in your life you’ve avoided changing because it feels uncomfortable?
It’s a new year. Make a step toward changing what’s no longer working for you, whether it’s having that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding or starting to set (or reset) boundaries.
And yes, you WILL stumble and fumble and fuck up! But that is natural. We all do — especially when it’s something we’re not used to tackling!
That’s OK! Just remember to GET BACK UP.
And while we def definitely must move forward with loving kindness and compassion, we also must take care of ourselves, and sometimes that’s going to mean disappointing others.
If you mess up the delivery of a difficult conversation or boundary-setting, apologize for the delivery, not the message if it’s what your heart needs.
All true love begins with self-love (not selfish love).
Is it time to make changes at work? In a relationship? With your health? To find a new hobby? With your attitude?
If you’re ready to make a change but are scared shitless (or are full of shit about not wanting to change, but you know you “should”), I highly recommend Henry Cloud’s book, Necessary Endings. I read it years ago, but I still think back to it whenever I’m facing scary change.
If you’ve been waiting for a sign, um, this is it!
Cheers!
xo AJ aka Anna, Lover of #Love
p.s. What’s your preference?? #curiouscat Comment!
p.p.s. Setting boundaries and standards is also pretty sexy and critical for new potential love relationships.
