Know Yourself, Trust Yourself, Show Yourself. Interview with Tanya Finks
AJ: Before we get into the best dating advice for women, tell us a bit about yourself and how you become a love coaching professional?
My path to dating and relationship coaching has been a bit of a winding road. Let me hit the highlights. I discovered my love of coaching back in 2002. I got trained as a Life Coach, left my day job and put out my shingle.
While I was waiting for customers, I discovered I could become an adult toy consultant.
AJ: Interesting, tell us more!
In my coaching practice, I’d wanted to work with women looking for partners, so I thought this would be a nice addition. I discovered I have a talent and passion for teaching and making people feel safe while learning about sex. (In addition to coaching skills, I should have gotten trained in marketing skills. ?)
I sold toys for nine years, but I also went back to my day job after a year. My passion for people finding rich, productive relationships and full, satisfying sex lives never left. So, I continued to revisit this dream of supporting people in this way, also developing unique sex education courses focused not only on practical instruction, but also affirmation and transformation.
Fast forward to 2016 when I completed another (university-based) coaching program, and also got certified as a strengths-coach.
AJ: What is strengths-coaching and how does it play into the best dating advice for women specifically?
Well, that [strengths-coaching] was really the missing piece for me in terms of being able to provide unique, impactful support to women and couples in the area of relationship.
As a strengths-coach, I help people recognize and maximize their natural talents. In dating and relationship coaching, I use the model to help women understand themselves, their relationship needs, and to begin to see partners or potential partners for the unique talents they bring to the table. I help women date intentionally, build collaborative romantic partnerships, and foster fulfilling physical intimacy.
AJ: Interesting! A lot of us women (and men) could def definitely benefit from learning more about strengths-coaching. What other services do you offer?
I provide comprehensive 1:1 strengths-coaching directed at their personal goals – finding a partner based on values and best fit, improving the quality and functionality of long-term relationships, etc.
I also have a number of live workshops I’ll be taking digital over the course of the next year focused on dating, relationships and sensuality. The first of those is a free course called Gettin’ Physical, focused on helping people find ways to strengthen the bonds of physical intimacy.
Finally, I offer strengths-based dating profiles. Through the lens of their strengths, I spend an hour getting to know the client. I write a long and short profile, then spend another 30 minutes to review and adjust profile. The intention is to help the client express what’s really important to them in relationship, who might be a good match, and who is definitely not a good match – jump-starting authenticity, if you will.
AJ: Dating can be stressful, how can women manage the stress?
I think dating stress can largely be a function of expectations – expectations you’re imposing on yourself or potential partners. It’s all a matter of attitude and perspective, and taking a long-term approach can make a huge difference.
If you’re putting pressure on yourself to find “the one,” you can miss the fun of discovering people and learning more about yourself, and just dating.
I mean, theoretically, the idea is to go out and have a good time. But when we layer time tables, expectations, and judgments on top of the process, it gets complicated.
There are a hundred ways to date. Find the way that works best for your tendencies and lifestyle. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do it the way others are doing it.
Do it your way and it will feel more natural, less forced, and hopefully less stressful.
AJ: What are the top traits men look for in women? Vice versa?
I think the number one most attractive quality for both men and women is authenticity.
Part of where we go wrong in dating is we’re trying to figure out what potential mates want from us so we can try to be that.
My coaching is to find ways to just be yourself. Nobody else can do you. And you want that boo who wants you, exactly the way you are. ? There’s something irresistible about authenticity.
AJ: That may be my favourite quote ever! ” … find the boo who wants you …” Love it! So, what’s most important thing to do before a first date?
TF: First thing, relax and focus on being yourself. Second thing, remind yourself to ask the question “do I like who I am when I’m with him or her?”
(AJ: worth repeating!) “Do I like who I am when I’m with him?” ~ Tania Finks
I know I sound like a little bit of a broken record, but partnership is about finding real connection. There are no gimmicks that work. Those who find authentic connection tend to want to see each other again. And again.
AJ: Online dating – Yes? No? Maybe?
Online dating – sure, if it works for you. As I mentioned, there are a hundred ways to date. Online dating can be a really great way to let your flag fly and sort through potential mates quickly.
AJ: What do you think the best app/dating sites are?
Interesting question. I think all the established sites can be effective depending on what you’re looking for. I think it’s not the site that makes the difference as much as it is how clear you are willing to be about what you’re looking for. Are you willing to let your profile screen out those candidates who are definitely not a good match? Or do you want to cast a very wide net?
I advocate for the former rather than the latter. That said, there are some that are more geared toward making a substantive connection versus hooking up. Choose based on your goals. I think my personal favourite is OK Cupid, but I don’t expect that’s going to be the case for everyone.
AJ: Agreed. What’s your best dating advice for women for their profile?
As I alluded to, I think a good online dating profile is honest about what you’re looking for, who you are, and what you’re not looking for. I think it’s important to find ways to let your personality show, which can be challenging, I think.
For those who struggle, I suggest trying to describe yourself to your best friend and see if that helps you relax a bit.
And I absolutely recommend using current photos that show how you currently look.
AJ: Great advice! Do you think women should play “hard to get” if they’re looking for a serious relationship?
I don’t know that I would call it playing hard to get. But if you’re looking for a substantive connection with someone that leads to something meaningful, it can be helpful to give yourself enough time to discover common values and long-term compatibility before adding the complexity of physical intimacy.
AJ: What do you suggest as an effective strategy to build attraction?
Well, as I’ve mentioned, I think authenticity is incredibly attractive.
Find your own self-expression and let it fly. Allow yourself to be seen. Know who you are. These things are so very attractive.
The other thing that’s really attractive is being interested in someone else. Curiosity, compassion, concern. These things are also very attractive. Male or female. Doesn’t matter. Give it a try! ?
AJ: It really does come back to own our authenticity! So, Tanya, what do you love most about helping people?
Given my approach, there’s nothing more satisfying then helping someone learn about themselves, get comfortable with themselves, discover their superpowers and share them with the world.
I also really don’t like what we do to each other in the name of dating. How we turn each other into objects – either my future spouse or not my future spouse.
If I can help one person be seen and appreciated for who they are, if I can spread a little compassion in the world, and if I can help us relate as human beings: my work here is done. ?
AJ: Any big frustrations working with single women looking for love?
What I offer isn’t a quick fix and it may not be sexy. But it’s the real deal. It’s where the real heart and soul of dating magic really happens. But there’s such a desire for a magic pill that it’s sometimes difficult to get singles to trust the process. And then they suffer, and it’s heartbreaking.
AJ: Yep, I’ve seen that! Do you have favourite client story?
My very first client, years ago, is still my favourite. When she found me, she was really ready for dating. She was really happy and satisfied with her life, loved the work she did, had a social life that fulfilled her and just wanted someone to share all that goodness with. So, as she prepared for a date with a new guy she’d just met, she expected I’d give her some tips to help make the date go successfully. I told her that her job was to simply enjoy herself and enjoy her date enjoying her. She had no other job on that first date and couldn’t believe her homework was so simple, but she agreed.
She had a fantastic time, and she told me afterward that she imagined me on her shoulder telling her to just enjoy herself. Believe it or not, they’re married today. And the odds were sort of against them. They lived in different cities, had busy lives, and for different reasons neither of them were able to move at the time. But they didn’t worry about that. They kept seeing each other because they enjoyed each other, and it was a strong values match. Ultimately, all the details worked themselves out.
AJ: That’s so inspiring! And goes back to letting go of expectations. Finally, what would be the best dating advice for women you can leave Wingmam readers with?
Know who you are, trust who you are, show who you are, and choose the person with whom you feel like your best self.
AJ: Brilliant! Thank you 🙂 How can people find you?
My name is Tanya Finks. You can find me at http://intimateexplorations.com or intimateexplorations@gmail.com.
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AJ Note: If Tanya’s style resonates with you, please reach out! And… What was your favourite part of this “best dating advice for women” interview? Comment! (Mine was all about: “Be yourself, baby, be you!”)
