Get Aligned, Live for Yourself, Get the Guy
Through years of self-study, interviewing experts in the love coaching field and my own experiences with relationships, I’ve learned that when it comes to finding your soulmate, however you define that, it really does all come back to the motto: Live for yourself! Wanna know how to get the guy? Read on …
AJ: Hey, Benjamin! Tell us about you and how you become a love coach
BR: As with most passions, my journey to becoming a personal consultant or coaching professional started as a very personal one. I was in undergrad dealing with a variety of issues: an abusive ex-girlfriend and the inability to get over her mental and physical abuse; severe confidence issues about my professional career; and social ostracization.
After hitting a breaking point, I spent the next period in my life devouring knowledge and then applying it on every issue related to personal development, attraction, dating, relationships, and sex.
A few years later I was head hunted and hired (another story) to run a men’s bootcamp program on social skills training and [how to build] attraction.
Running the men’s program evolved and I branched off. I earned my MBA, MPH, finished my EdD, started Live For Yourself, launched The Breakup Supplement, wrote for a variety of websites, did podcasting, become an author and more! All of which integrated many more of my own discovered personal values.
AJ: Wow, that’s a lot of educational and personal development! What services do you offer now that single women looking for love would benefit from?
BR: I offer one-on-one sessions, monthly block sessions, and the LIVE For Yourself program which helps women cultivate alignment in their lives and eventually leads to sustainable fulfillment.
Alignment plays a role in every facet of life and thus I work with a variety of clients. One day I work with a client that wants to improve her social life and dating opportunities and another day I work with a client that wants to increase profitability in her business but also cultivate more positive relationships.
AJ: Great variety — keeps things interesting, I bet! What about dating? It can be stressful, how do you recommend coping with that stress?
BR: There are a variety of ways that women can deal with stress, especially in terms of dating. Practice “reframing techniques” which require literally taking the image or video in your mind that’s causing stress and change it. These techniques are a tad more advanced.
To offer some suggestions that women can do immediately, I recommend allowing time to process emotions before acting on them. Processing involves working out, surrounding yourself with friends, writing down how you feel, speaking to friends about your feelings, and sleeping (this is a huge one).
Sleeping allows your mind to work through your emotions. How you feel when you wake up will be more realistic and less emotionally empowered.
I also recommend depersonalizing how women process situations that cause you stress.
Imagine if everything you were stressed out about was done by a little kid. Does this kid know that it would cause you stress and did they mean to hurt you? Give other people in your life the benefit of the doubt and you might find that you’re not as stressed out as you were before.
AJ: I like to say ,”Do a check up from the neck up: attitude adjustment!” When it comes down to it, I think we all are a bunch of big kids, emotionally. In your opinion, what are the top traits women look for in men? Vice versa?
BR: A lot of this is based on where you live and how you were raised. What does your culture or the society around you dictate as important? Those answers will tend to reveal the top traits that women look for in men and vice versa.
If we are basing attraction traits off of evolutionary biology then you could say that women want safety and men want fertility and loyalty. A lot of our emotions can stem from these two areas.
For women safety implies a man have status, security, strength etc, while for men fertility and loyalty implies a woman provide youth, respect, honesty etc.
In my opinion, overall, we look for traits that we experienced from our pasts with positive emotions, ones that we want for ourselves and that are the most similar to who we are.
AJ: So true! I think we go for what’s familiar, positive or negative. Let’s talk about the first date. What’s the most important thing to do before a first date?
BR: The most important thing to do before a first date is to feel prepared. This means shower, be well put together and make sure that you’re not rushing. Put yourself in your most comfortable state.
AJ: That makes sense. What about online dating?
BR: Only if you treat it as off-line dating. Do you really know how this person looks?
Have you spoken to him on the phone so you know if you can hold a conversation?
Are you overloading yourself with other matches so you can’t really give a man your full attention? Online dating is wonderful if utilized correctly.
AJ: Agreed, more isn’t necessarily better, we only want one after all. What do you think is the best app/dating site for meeting someone?
BR: This is up in the air and depends on what you are really looking for and want.
AJ: What are your tips for a good online dating profile? Do’s? Don’ts?
BR: Don’ts
- be negative
- lie about how you look
- overthink it – keep it simple
- be too personal
- be every other person
- have mirror selfies or snapchat filters
Do’s
- be positive
- include as many photos as you can
- include a bio – not too deep — with something personal that can start a conversation
- have a friend take a look at it
- include photos that show you living your passions
AJ: All excellent suggestions … So, now they’ve got some rapport going, do you think women should ever play “hard to get?”
BR: Hard to get is the wrong term. Should women have a ton of stuff going on in their lives that makes it so they aren’t immediately available for a new man that shows up?
Yes.
Should they be talking to and seeing other men so they aren’t giving all their attention and emotional attachment to one new guy?
Yes.
Someone new is new. He’s a stranger. Her level of investment should equal the level that you know him.
AJ: Exactly! Without playing games, what do you recommend women do to build attraction?
BR: Live for themselves – hence the name of my program. Do things that you want to do when you want to do them. Live a life that fulfills you, full of experiences and things that create their own stories.
Be confident in who you are, the choices you make and don’t depend on someone else’s reactions — like how fast they text you back — to deem if you’re important.
That attitude is attractive.
AJ: Gotta get a life! Check. What do you love most about helping women?
BR: Helping women is where I find my passion. I love it when I work with a lady and she gets excited about a breakthrough or when she starts smiling in a way that I’ve never seen her smile before.
Showing women that they have the light they seek in them already and that they also have the map and directions fulfills me.
AJ: That is the best feeling. On the flip side, what do you find are women’s biggest frustrations when looking for love?
BR: Not accepting that things take time, nothing is personal, and that they can’t control how other people perceive them.
AJ: So true. Do you have a funny or inspiring client story?
BR: I’ve been working with a client to reconnect to her sexual energy so she could feel more complete. Through working together, we uncovered a variety of negative beliefs and mind frames that related to sexuality and her success as a business professional. She felt she had to close off part of her due to previous judgements and experiences in order to be perceived as the high powered executive and CEO that she was.
Through working together she was able to reconnect to who she truly is, open herself up to dating and relationship opportunities, and be more aligned with her personality while still being a high powered executive.
AJ: I love that story! And it is so common with #BossBabes. So, if you could only give one piece of advice to women looking for a relationship, what would it be?
BR: Nothing is ever personal. Everyone sees the world through a different set of lenses. What’s the bigger picture? The goal? Keep that in mind.
AJ: Focus on the big picture and the end result. Check! How can people find you?
Benjamin-Ritter.com
contact@benjamin-ritter.com
LiveforYourselfConsulting.com
Brand new product launch: TheBreakupSupplement.com
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AJ Note: Well, what did you think, fair readers? Which part of this interview was the most impactful for you? Please share you comments below and if Benjamin’s style resonated with you, don’t waste another moment waiting for love, contact him and start trying on some new glasses!
