Why Do Women Play Mind Games? (Playing Hard to Get)

3 Reasons Women Play Mind Games

Every guy on the planet wants to know the answer to this question: “Why do some women play mind games?” In fact, on one of my WingmamTV videos, How to Play Hard to Get (Should You Play Hard to Get?), Andre asks, “Why do females play hard to get with some people and not others?”

Why DO Women Play Mind Games?!

I agree with y’all, fellas — mind games suck. Playing hard to get sucks.


If all single women and men had every relationship answer, there wouldn’t be a bazillion videos on YouTube trying to answer the question of why women play mind games. Dating advice videos are plentiful!

Why do women play mind games? Let’s look at some possible reasons …

1. She’s fucked up.

Here’s the deal: we are all fucked up to some degree. And by fucked up, I mean that we all —men and women — have emotional baggage we’re carrying from some crappy time in our lives.

why do women play mind gamesIt could be that she had an abusive father and, as a result, never learned to trust men in general.

If she never received healthy love from a father figure, she won’t know what to look for in a healthy partner.

She unconsciously plays mind games — sometimes called shit-testing — to see how you’ll react.

I ain’t saying this is mature, healthy behaviour. I’m saying that these are potential reasons women play mind games.

If she’s too much of a fixer-upper, Dude. Trust me: if you don’t have the right tool to fix her, walk away.

2. She’s not ready for a relationship.

Maybe the lady just got out of a relationship and is still licking her wounds. If this is the case — and she’s emotionally healthy — then she won’t be ready for you to lick her anything.

Even if she ended the relationship, she’ll need some time to process its ending and everything that happened in the relationship.

Women tend to think about relationships a lot more than guys do. That old saying, “The sooner you get under someone, the sooner you’ll get over someone” doesn’t work as well for women as it does for many men.

Men need sexual validation, and sex (with someone new) can supply that, but women need emotional safety (with anyone) so a quick turn between the sheets ain’t going to cut it.

She needs time and space, Dude. If she says she ain’t ready or that she needs space, give it to her. Don’t initiate communications! Drift away, and let her come to you.

3. Mind games have worked for her in the past.

Yep, remember how I mentioned that we’re all fucked up to a degree?

Well, some chicks play mind games because it’s actually worked for them in the past — as in, she got the guy because of said head games. She’s likely not consciously using a “dating strategy,” she just hones in on the guys that it works on.

And which guys are those?

The ones who are as messed up as she is.

Men who get together with drama queens tend to have self-esteem issues. Again, probably from not having healthy role models or from being burned in past relationships.

No self-respecting man would put up with BS mind games that totally degrade his worth as a man!

But here’s what often happens …

Guys get into relationships with messed up chicks because they (the dudes) are sad, desperate and / or lonely. Or, let’s be honest, they get involved because the chick is insanely hot and way out of their league, at least physically.

You can either play out your “relationship learning experience” the hard way (with her) or walk away and start working on yourself. (By the way, I give the you the step-by-step map on how to do this in my WakeUP2Luv — Get a Girlfriend program.)

What to Do When a Woman Plays Mind Games or Plays Hard to Get

First, remember to cut her some slack. Women need to do a bit of shit-testing to make sure you have a backbone. Show her that you have one.

But if a woman is constantly moving the goal posts, then you gotta step up and walk out.


If she tries to set a double standard by saying it’s ok for her to have romantic dinners with guys who are “just friends” but you’re not allowed to have a mean with a girl friend, you gotta let her know that standard ain’t okay with you.

If she gets pissy because you’re a few minutes late, but she’s always running half an hour behind, yup, you gotta step up!

Or if she cancels last minute more than once without having been in a serious car accident, it’s time to nip that bad habit of hers in the bud, buddy!

Speak up firmly but kindly. Even half jokingly, but not sarcastically. If you don’t know how to do it without a tint of bitterness, then just stick to the facts.

Example (text or tell her):when to text a girl

I like you, Chelsey, but [this behaviour] ain’t cool.

She may balk or tease or chide or try to turn it into a joke. Don’t let her! #backbone #standards

Sorry, Sweets. Not this time. I need this to change. Ok?

If she’s mature and respects you, she’ll understand and try to change her behaviour. If not, she may be incapable or unwilling, and you’ll have to decide if you’re going to be her bitch forever or if you deserve better, and you’ll find someone else.

A note about changing behaviours

Change is tough — even when we want to change and even if it’s good for us. It’s taken a long time to become who we are and do what we do.

Give the person a chance to change their behaviour. As long as she’s showing signs of sincerely trying and is making progress, there’s hope.

You can even ask her, “How can I help you make this change?” or “How can I support you?”

Here’s what I learned from selling real estate for 20 years — and being one of the top agents in my community: you must always be willing to walk away from the deal in case the deal sucks. The same applies to dating and relationships.

Any questions? Comment below!


p.s. Have you learned from some of my teachings? If yes, feel free to donate a latte (or a lot, hey)! #cheesycheeserson … or buy my course or share some of my posts or videos!! Or, fuck it, all of the above. Thank you!

About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver Dating Coach for Shy Guys & Introverted Men. Matchmaker Liaison. Founder: Wingmam

Leave a Comment:

PD says January 15, 2018

Hi Anna, your article is very good and I like your blog. Advice is quite realistic and helpful , I apply many of these strategies and am much happier than in the past when I had less experience but I often notice when you pull back when she pulls back and let her come to you, they accuse you of not chasing as a sign of disinterest though we know it doesn’t work that way. Do you think exposure of media and movies and the un-realsitic picture they paint causes this kind of contradictory behavior?

    Anna Jorgensen says January 16, 2018

    Thanks for the comment!
    And, first of all, hell to the yes: Hollywood gives women unrealistic expectations of what relationships are supposed to look like! Chick Flicks feel good to women because they hit every hot button: the challenge, the hero, the rescue, the vulnerability. (Oh, and let’s not forget that the hero is dashingly handsome and rich as snot! Oyyyy!)
    But to be fair, if a regular guy can channel even some of the hero’s characteristics, he can get the KIND of girl he wants. (Maybe not THE girl.) (Maybe I’ll write a blog on this! Thanks for the inspiration!!)
    Okay, so pulling away … If you’ve pulled away or given her some space, she’s going to notice it, for sure. When she accuses you of not chasing her it could be that she’s “shit-testing” you to see if you’ll fold. (Don’t!) Or, it could be that you’ve pulled too far back and she genuinely thinks you’re not interested.
    Solution: Tell her you’re interested. But! Don’t start chasing.
    Until you’re in a “we’ve had the talk”committed relationship, let her come to you more than you go to her. (Hey, don’t hate the players, hate the game – which is largely psychological/biological, sorry all! p.s. Don’t shoot the fucking messenger, I’m here to help you decode this shit!)
    Here’s the formula I’d recommend:
    Courting (no sex yet): Initiate communication once for every three times she does.
    Dating (having sex, no commitment yet): Initiate communication once for every two times she does.
    Relationship (“had the talk”): Initiate equally.
    Women be hating on me for this one, but it’s what is proven to work with the AVERAGE woman, i.e. most of us.
    I’m going to use this whole rant for a new blog post! Again, thanks, and stay tuned for more tidbits on the topic!!
    And hope this helps.
    xo AJ
    p.s. Would LUV you forever if you write a short review on Yelp or Google! Couldn’t just say, Hey read this chick’s blog, it’s actually good stuff.

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