No way, but … You Should BE Hard to Get
Two clients — one male, the other female — were in similar relationship situations: Each found a special someone who they really liked. But the challenge was that their love interests were both “scared little birds” afraid of moving too fast into a new relationship. This made me think about whether or not to play hard to get.
To hide identities, we’ll call my clients Dick and Jane. Each came to me with essentially the same story and I gave each of them the same advice. They had different results. What happened? Let’s find out.
(Incidentally, the conversations I had with each of them occurred one day apart!)
The Dude: Was Dick Hard to Get?
Dick, a hard-working fun-loving blue-collar man, liked Robin as soon as he met her, felt in his heart that she could be “the one,” and was way too enthusiastic — which she subconsciously translated as Dick being clingy and consciously translated into her feeling pressured. He wound up in the friend zone.
A year later, Robin gave Dick another chance. He jumped on it (and her), but he was still too keen. She broke up with him twice and then went back for a third round.
She told Dick several times that she needed to go slow, but remember, he knew that she’s his soulmate.
The problem was that Dick’s seemingly smothering actions weren’t allowing her to see the same thing. Robin just saw a cage.
She sent the text: We need to talk.
Sound familiar?
Finally, Dick contacts me. He says he’s had enough and this time “he’s done.”
Reminder: If the person you’re into really is “the one,” just drop the ego and enjoy their company. It’ll all work out. If we can’t do that, then we’ve got to ask ourselves: What’s our rush? (Hint: fear.)
I tell Dick to drop the hammer before she does. Mayday! Mayday! Pull back! But not to get pissy about it. I advised him to do it in a loving way that shows her how self-assured, confident and understanding he is. In other words, give her a bigger reason to stick around than to ditch and fly.
Then pull back more — think of an elastic band — or she’s gonna fly away. Giving her some space at this time ain’t gonna be enough.
I tell Dick to be kind but to break up with her before she breaks up with him — for her sake, of course.
Something like this: “I really like you, but I sense you’re pulling away, so why don’t you go do your thing and I’ll go do mine, and we’ll see what happens.”
Dick agrees with the logic and takes my advice.
Result: All of a sudden, she’s like, “Wait! Woah! I wasn’t going to say, ‘Let’s break up!’” She’s backtracking big time. They agree to take it one day at a time.
They are still together.
The Chick: Was Jane Hard to Get?
Jane, a Boss Babe, came to me at the same critical time (the dreaded “we need to talk” moment) with almost the identical story as Dick. 
I told Jane to act like her best Goddess self: to be gracious and accepting and to def definitely not have a meltdown. And if she really wants to get into her Highest Goddess self, she should be the one to suggest slowing down or even taking a break.
Jane didn’t take my advice.
Why We Need to BE Hard to Get
When we act desperate, clingy, needy or like s/he’s the one “and why doesn’t s/he just get that, dammit?!” here’s what happens …
Our certainty combined with their lack of certainty makes us act selfishly. It becomes all about what we want and how we (you or I) see our future together with this other person, not about what the relationship needs.
Is selfish a sexy quality? Exactly. (And neither is desperate, clingy or needy.)
But if we understand what the other person needs to safely progress, they will feel understood, and we become, in their mind, a generous, unselfish person who truly “gets” them. And that’s the only way we can actually get them, as in win their hearts.
When we don’t respect our partner’s needs, they feel stressed and pressured. Instead of continually disappointing and hurting us, they’d rather break it off.
An elastic band cannot spring back if you don’t let it pull away. Using that same analogy, the more you allow them to pull away — and if you pull away (give them space), too — the tension builds faster, and they can spring back sooner.
Being too available and accommodating doesn’t allow the tension needed to spring back.
It also puts a lot of pressure on the other person because they subconsciously feel like they’re your main source of entertainment. Hint: Get a life; it’s sexy.
There is a whole host of other reasons for why being too available or accommodating will turn our potential partner off — legitimately — especially initially, but that’s for another blog.
Just know that it’s attractive if you have a life that doesn’t appear to revolve around your new potential partner. And being too accommodating is a turn off.
Advice for Empowerment
We women are way more emotional — and therefore are more likely to be irrational thinkers — than men. It’s in our biology. In some ways, being in touch with our emotions is enviable. But when it comes to relationship strategy, women often don’t like what I have to tell them.
I feel their resistance. Even if they appreciate the information and see the logic in it, they may perceive that information — and the reality of it — as unfair.
If a woman takes my advice but doesn’t fully implement it — because she doesn’t like what’s suggested — and it doesn’t work out, she often comes back to me and says, “Well, you just get guys because you’re pretty.” Women, in my experience, are less likely to take responsibility for their results than men.
I say, “But look around: there are women prettier than me who can’t snag a man and women ‘less pretty’ than me who can.”
Then the woman is mad at me because she thinks I’ve said there’s something wrong with her. No, there isn’t, but there is something ineffective in her belief system and therefore actions.
I think like a guy, but I act like a woman (mostly). So, unlike calling your best girl friend, who will agree with you, I don’t. I offer perspective based in reality and my desire to see you succeed. I offer insights that can empower women if they choose to implement my suggestions.
If what you’ve been doing ain’t working for you, it’s your responsibility to change. One of my mottos: Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Let’s take a few lessons from the men I work with: they analyze my advice, determine whether it makes sense, and apply it if it does. If something goes awry, they ask me how they can fix it next time. They take responsibility and are, therefore, more empowered as a result. Personal empowerment is sexy, people!
Maybe I could try being more persuasive with women, but when y’all don’t like my advice, I get the “shoot the messenger” vibe and feel like the bad guy (gal).
If you’re a woman who can hear direct advice that’s not sugar-coated, can take affirmative action based fully on that advice, and who wants to succeed even if it means changing some things, you and I will may well together! You can succeed in your relationship goals.
And lastly, whether you believe in God, fate, destiny, the Law of Attraction or any higher power, I think we can all agree that our own beliefs and actions can and do influence the outcome. So, if you’ve messed up in love, don’t worry, you’re right where you’re meant to be and … your higher power led you to this post! 😉
If Jane’s Mr. Perfect For Her really is “the one” then a team of three (God, Goddess Jane and a wee bit of Wingmam’ing) will have him flying back in no time. And if he doesn’t, well, then I guess God doesn’t want Jane to be with a turkey who can’t fly!
xo AJ
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