Be You. Find Love. Interviewing Dr. Alex Avila
Can you find the one? Is there a “one?” Dr. Avila shares his experience on how to discover your right type so you recognize the right one when you discover him!
Anna asks: Tell us a bit about yourself and how you become a love empowerment psychologist?
AA: I grew up as an only child, as well as a shy and an introverted person, so relationships didn’t come easy for me. I was always gifted in academics and was blessed to have many other talents, but what really fascinated me was the nature of love and relationships since I always felt like an outsider socially.
To transform my shyness, I studied improvisational acting, dance, martial arts, Western psychology, and Eastern Philosophy. I earned four graduate degrees, including a Ph.D. in clinical psychology, and I’ve written four books on love empowerment: LoveTypes, The Gift of Shyness, GuyTypes, and The 3 Secrets of Happiness (inner transformation).
Also, I do lectures and research on love compatibility, as well as host a weekly podcast on iTunes: Love University. Listeners learn how to love themselves, others, and a higher nature.
I turned my quest for love and empowerment into a lifelong mission to help others who also struggle with finding love and inner peace.
AJ: I find that’s a common thread amongst love coaching professionals! What services do you offer?
AA: Very true. In addition, to my lectures and writing, I have a forensic psychology practice (doctoralexavila.com) in which I help victims of crime and trauma transform their pain into power and achieve their life goals.
I apply similar principles to help singles find love — many of us have been hurt, or even traumatized, by past failed love relationships — the key is to heal ourselves inwardly before we can find love outwardly.
AJ: Absolutely — many people think trauma only comes from childhood, but it can certainly come from adult relationships, too. How do you recommend coping with the stress of dating?
AA: Think of dating as an exercise in inner development. Every time you meet someone and go out on a date, you are looking to learn something about yourself. Maybe, you are more demanding than you thought; perhaps you are more insecure than you believed; maybe you are more impatient than you realized.
Each time you go out with a new person, strive to learn something about yourself, and improve yourself with each date. In this way, dating becomes a fun course in “YOU,” instead of just a stressful exercise in which you try to impress another person or find your lifelong partner.
Enjoy the date, have fun, and learn.
AJ: Changing our expectations changes the outcome! In your experience, what are the top traits singles look for in the opposite sex?
AA: There are the top traits that singles do look for and there are top traits they should be looking for.
Physical chemistry is usually one of the top things that singles look for in each other. Although being attracted to a potential mate is important, it is often overrated in the search for a lifelong mate.
More important, I believe, is psychological chemistry, or compatibility, which means enjoying yourself with that person (as both of you are naturally), and helping each other grow as human beings.
Psychological chemistry is what makes a relationship fruitful and lasting.
AJ: Love that! What would you say is most important thing to do before a first date?
AA: Understand the personality type of the person you’re going out with. In my book, GuyTypes, singles are classified into four types: Meaning Seekers (enjoy psychology, philosophy, spirituality, the arts), Knowledge Seekers (enjoy science, technology, learning), Security Seekers (enjoy family, tradition, community, practical things), and Excitement Seekers (enjoy fun, spontaneity, adventure).
The idea is to gear your date activity to the personality type of the person you’re going out with. If they’re an Excitement Seeker, for example, you want to plan an action date—maybe doing some physical activity or even an exciting adventure. (Balloon ride?)
Ideally, your date’s personality type matches your own (you’re both Excitement Seekers), so you will enjoy the date activity as well.
AJ: I hadn’t heard of “date by type” before but it makes sense — brilliant! What about online dating – Yes or No? Why?
AA: I believe online dating can be a very useful tool if you know the personality type of the person you’re looking for. In my book, LoveTypes, and my latest book, GuyTypes, I talk about the love personality styles and how each of them like certain activities, movies, and lifestyles.
In GuyTypes, for example, I explain to readers how the Internet has made finding their compatible mate much easier through romantic personality networking: getting involved in certain online and offline activities that cater to the particular personality type they’re looking for (ideally, one that matches their own).
For example, if you are a Meaning Seeker (you love psychology, philosophy, and the arts), and are looking for a like-minded partner, you can join online groups and chatrooms that cater to your mutual interests in improving the world and finding meaning.
From there, it’s easy to break the ice with a like-minded person because you have common things to talk about.
AJ: Exactly. Get involved in groups or activities that you’d like to stay involved in, rather than wind up mismatched with a less ideal personality type. What are your top tips for online dating? Do’s? Don’ts?
AA: That leads to my next answer: The most important tip is to be true to yourself. Be authentic about your love personality type and express yourself as you are.
If you are an Excitement Seeker, for example, post pictures of yourself on Facebook doing fun and outrageous things (bungee jumping, river rafting, dancing all night in Vegas).
You might be tempted to appear more conservative on social media because you want to attract a more traditional partner, but by doing so, you are negating your authentic nature (you love to have fun and be spontaneous).
The advantage of projecting your true personality type in online dating is that you will attract those potential partners who naturally resonate with your style, and with whom you can enjoy yourself.
Although personality differences in dating can appear exciting at first, research shows that people develop lasting relationships with those who share similarities in their deepest values, beliefs, and interests.
AJ: I agree, honesty is the best policy. What about the old adage of playing “hard to get,” should singles be aloof if they’re looking for a serious relationship?
AA: From a social psychological perspective, we want what is desirable and limited—in other words, we want what we can’t have. However, from a higher psychological perspective, being false and artificial lowers our value and self-esteem.
To be authentic and true to oneself is the source of happiness; to be false and artificial is the cause of great pain. Thus, playing hard to get (when you really desire a person) is like turning yourself into something you’re not.
The “hard to get” strategy may work in the short term, but then you may find yourself with someone you aren’t compatible with — once the competitive nature of the dating game is extinguished. Then, what do you have?
Be true, honest, and authentic from the beginning, and you will build the foundation for a great relationship.
AJ: I always say that games are for GameBoy. So, without playing games, what would you recommend as an effective strategy to build attraction?
AA: The problem with many singles is that they do try to play games — to manipulate, convince, or persuade a desirable person to be attracted to them. It doesn’t work. The only thing that attracts naturally is to be true to yourself — to be the way you really are.
Once you know your love personality type, and the type of the person most compatible with you, then all you need to do participate in activities that allow you and your ideal match to come closer together.
If you are a Meaning Seeker, for example, work on a humanitarian project together. If you are a Knowledge Seeker, enjoy new intellectual experiences with your date (learn about wine; go to museums and galleries).
Remember, not everyone is for you, and you are not for everyone. You have a compatible and loving person waiting for you — if you abandon artificial pretence and the notion that you have to chase another human being.
Be loving to yourself first — embrace your own unique type — and you will then naturally attract your ideal partner.
There is nothing sexier than a person who genuinely loves themselves — not in an egotistical way — but in a caring and grateful manner.
AJ: My Momma used to say, “God doesn’t make junk.” In other words, we’re all unique and valuable. What do you love most about helping people?
AA: I love helping people because I believe that the inward dictates the outward and the outward reflects the inward. By helping people find love, I am also increasing the love I have within myself.
I consider helping others an outward expansion of the inner love I have. A hot teapot can only pour hot tea. If we are loving inside, we can give that love to others, and make it grow. When others are happy and in love, I feel happy and in love.
Thus, love is one of the few things that expands the more it is given, and brings joy and happiness wherever it goes. That is why I like to give love without expectations.
AJ: Yes! Also reminds me of another old saying, “What we put out in the world we get back.” What about the other side of that equation, what do you find are singles’ biggest frustrations when looking for love?
AA: I call it The Dating Masquerade. Singles meet someone who is attractive and charming, and they fall in love (or at least lust). But, then, when the psychological mask comes off (and the person acts like they really are), singles are often surprised to discover that they are far less compatible than they initially believed. That is when hurt and frustration set in.
The solution, I teach singles, is to unmask your dates — ask them four simple questions based on my LoveTypes system — to identify their true nature from the very beginning (before feelings get involved).
Once singles know who that person really is inside, they can make intelligent decisions about whether to continue the relationship.
AJ: Those questions sound intriguing! And I have to throw in one more saying, “Follow your heart, but take your head with you!” Do you have a funny or inspiring client story?
AA: One of my clients was a woman who had bad luck with men and had also been fighting obesity for many years. Now, at mid-life, she wanted a personal transformation and dreamed of finding her soul mate.
Working with her by using personality type and mind-body exercises, I helped her embrace her true nature: Meaning Seeker—a person who was intuitive and sensitive and wanted to make a difference in the world.
She also learned how to heal herself from the wounds of early childhood abuse, as she realized how she had been eating to compensate for her feelings of unworthiness.
Eventually, she completed a successful weight loss program, and transformed her mindset into one of positivity and contribution.
Joining a humanitarian organization, she eventually found her Mr. Right, a fellow Meaning Seeker, and now works with her husband to save animals who have been abandoned. Their love is strong, and at the same time, she loves herself as a woman of intuition and empathy.
AJ: My heart is melting. Love it. Any inspiring stories for the fellas?
AA: Yes, I also worked with a nice, middle-aged man who had been brought up in a very conservative and strict background. As a result, he had become very shy and introverted, and had never had a long-term relationship (he was now in his 40’s).
Working with him, using psychodrama and personality type techniques, I helped him to recognize, and embrace, his true nature (an Excitement Seeker), which was different from his career choice (engineering).
Eventually, he left his career and became a river rafting guide (which he loved), and met his soul mate — a woman who also loved outdoor adventure. Now, they are happily married and are always busy planning their next adventure and expedition.
AJ: Great stories! Goes right back to being authentic. If you could only give one piece of advice to people looking for love, what would it be?
AA: Discover your romantic type and find someone who resonates with your authentic nature.
AJ: Simple yet powerful! How can people find you?
AA: They can find me at www.loveuniversity.love (podcast and blog), doctoralexavila.com, and doctoralexavila@gmail.com
Here’s the link to Love University podcast you can include in the article: goo.gl/khwU6G
AJ: Great info. Thanks so much!
AJ note: Does Dr. Avila’s advice feel right for you? Contact him today. Don’t wait! Your right personality match is out there waiting for you!