Find Love by Finding Community, Self-Love and Your Real Playful Side!
Evin is a dating coach for women based in L.A., baby! You’re going to love love love this interview on how Evin approaches how to find love through community in L.A. and beyond…
Tell us a bit about yourself and how you become a love coaching professional?
I’m a dating coach for 20s & 30s aged women. I personally experienced the intense pressure of dating frustrations that are so common for single women in our millennial generation. After years of dating struggles, I felt helpless and hopeless!
I embarked on my own journey to self love and confidence, an uplifted mindset, and a new proactive but low-pressure approach to dating with authentic connection at the forefront.
Everything began to shift for me: I was attracting (and attracted to!) better quality men, I looked forward to dates instead of dreading them, and I joyfully experienced the kind of healthy, loving, committed relationships that I’d been craving for so long.
I’m now obsessed with supporting other young women in their dating & love journeys!
That’s an awesome story of self-love triumph! So, what coaching services do you offer?
I offer one on one coaching, interactive online workshops, local events (in L.A.), and an online Membership: The AFL (All for Love) Community for 20s-30s aged single women all around the world.
The Membership is a supportive, open-hearted community with daily insights and a monthly virtual workshop, and it’s a wonderful starting point to begin uplifting your dating life!
Community support is so essential, especially because dating can be stressful. How do you recommend coping with the stress?
It all starts with mindset. Dating is stressful because of all of expectations and fear-based beliefs that we attach to it. Dating is also more stressful the more alone we feel in the process.
In The AFL community, we alleviate stress by normalizing our feelings and fears, sharing our stories, and inviting in more supportive beliefs.
One tip is to focus on each date as just one individual experience, just a chance to connect with another human being.
When we get caught up in “could this be the one??” the stakes feel so high. Resist the temptation to go into future-think, and be present in the experience at hand.
Great advice! So, in your opinion, what are the top traits women look for in men? Vice versa?
Often times, both men and women look for the superficial traits that we’re told (in movies, media, etc) matter most. We forget to figure out what traits are actually important to our long-term happiness, i.e. those that align with our core values.
Both men and women who are dating mindfully and effectively should be sure to look for availability, both physical and emotional, and similar relationship goals first and foremost.
True dat! Often we just jump in and hope it’ll turn out like those movies you mentioned! What would you say is the most important thing to do before a first date?
Get into a positive headspace! Do whatever you have to do to feel most at ease, confident, and optimistic about the date. The best thing we can do is to show up with an open mind, ready to connect and enjoy the experience.
Attitude makes such a difference. What about online dating – Yes or No? Why?
On the whole, YES, as long as we’re using online dating in the right way!
We should look at online dating as simply a way to widen our pool, to get initially introduced to someone. Then we need to get out of the virtual world ASAP and meet in person.
The problem comes when we chat and chat and chat, which leads to exhaustion, a feeling of wasted time, and often disappointment when our date doesn’t meet the fantasy we’ve created in our minds.
That actually happened to me many many moons ago. What a disaster! So, what do you think is the best app/dating site for meeting someone?
I happen to like Bumble. It eliminates the guessing game of who should make the first move (women must on Bumble), and I personally have had wonderful outcomes on this app.
That being said, I don’t think any one app is for everyone. I would recommend asking around to people in your community/city, and picking one that you’ve heard positive things about to start with. Go for an option that includes more profile information vs. just pictures.
What are your tips for a good online dating profile? Do’s? Don’ts?
Do: have great pictures of yourself where you’re genuinely smiling, include a fun fact or two that’s unique and quirky, keep it positive.
Don’t: make yourself too generic in an attempt to be “something for everyone,” include negative quips like “not looking for another ___ guy” or “if you ___ don’t bother…”
I completely agree, authenticity is sexy! Do you think singles should play “hard to get” if they’re looking for a serious relationship?
Absolutely not! We should lead with
authenticity and emotional bravery, which means letting people know that we’re interested and available. That being said, it’s important to continue filling up your life with other people, activities, and plans that bring you joy, and to resist the urge to drop everything and overly accommodate when you start seeing someone.
Yep. So, without playing games, what would you recommend as an effective strategy to build attraction?
On early dates, allowing ourselves to be positive, lively, and playful encourages attraction. Where we tend to go wrong is when we assume that ramping up sexual intimacy is what causes attraction to grow from here. Instead, focus on deepening emotional intimacy by asking more meaningful questions, sharing more vulnerable pieces of yourself, and then the physical chemistry will heat up as well.
Playfulness is so important… What do you love most about helping people?
There’s a moment that always happens early on in the coaching process where my client expresses that she feels hopeful for the first time in a long time. I can feel this significant shift in her energy from hopeless, frustrated, and ready to give up on love to optimistic and excited about the love that’s ahead for her. I LOVE that moment!
That is the biggest hight! Any frustrations working with singles looking for love?
It’s not so much a frustration, but a challenge: helping clients understand that we have to be proactive and willing to get out of our comfort zones if we’re truly dedicated to the goal of finding love.
Our culture tells us that we shouldn’t have to work to find love, that it should just “happen” to us, that “if it’s meant to be it’s meant to be.” That myth can make us feel like something’s wrong with us if lasting love hasn’t found us yet, and that we shouldn’t have to carve out time for dating or put ourselves out there. My goal is to help clients take an active role in their dating lives, and to feel empowered and optimistic in doing so.
Love it. Do you have a funny or inspiring client story
My favorite and funniest moments always happen at the Single Women’s Happy Hours I host in LA. We swap stories of dating struggles, and it is always wild to hear the women realize how universal our experiences are.
Last month we talked about how we create detailed fantasies in our minds about men we’ve been talking to online before even meeting. Every single woman went “OMG I thought I was the only one who did that! I thought I was crazy!!” It’s hilarious, and also such a relief to know it isn’t just you.
We must all be wired that way! Too many Disney movies lol… So, if you could only give one piece of advice to people looking for love, what would it be
Get support! It doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. It’s difficult to see our own patterns, our own blocks to love. Find someone who you can trust and relate to, someone who’s in your corner but can be more objective and honest than a friend. The journey is so much easier when we don’t have to go it alone.
Totally agree. And how can single ladies find you?
You’re awesome, Evin, thanks!
AJ Note: If Evin’s style resonates with you, please reach out to her. The world is a better place when we’re happy and let’s face it, falling in love feels pretty darn good. (If you have never experienced it yet, trust me!!)