Or … Is He Intimidated by You?
Well, is he intimidated by you? Kim left an inquiry on my #AskMeAnything forum about why married men are so comfortable with her and why single men seem to avoid her. You’ll see from Kim’s story that it’s no wonder we beg for the answer to the question: Are confident women intimidating to men?
Kim’s Story
Kim is friendly. When she meets a stranger and an opportunity arises to be helpful, she’s on it! If she sees someone who appears to have put in the effort to look great, she says so, whether they’re a man or woman. Kim is the kind of Southerner who treats everyone like family!
But Kim has a difficult time meeting single men who aren’t bozos. She’ll meet a single guy and try to have an easy conversation, and they seem to “throw up a chain link fence.” They just aren’t open.
Married men? No problem! They seem to be comfortable, open and chatty with her.
With the married guys, she can “cut up” and laugh and tease, and most of the time, Kim knows their wives and “it’s all cool.”
“Nothing out of the way or pervy! (Oh, I’ve meet those),” she writes.
But when she teases or tries to cut up with a single guy, Kim senses that they’re studying her.
Kim’s confident. She has a healthy sense of herself — she says she’s not the most beautiful, but she’s beautiful in her own eyes — and believes that any guy would be fortunate to have her. She’s not financially wealthy, but she’s generous with what she has.
“I am just me. Just can’t figure out what it is with single guys,” she laments.
Let’s start with …
Married Men
Men who are married feel like they can be more open because they don’t have to think about rejecting someone. They’re “off the market,” so there shouldn’t be any mixed messages if they don’t “put it out there.”
They also get to innocently enjoy another woman’s company without crossing inappropriate lines and boundaries within their primary relationship. (Though, as Kim has alluded to, some men do cross lines.)
Single Guys
Two things could be happening in Kim’s world with single guys.
First, the hard-to-swallow truth:
When women are confident and engaging, some men will take that as flirting, and if they’re not romantically or sexually interested, they’ll back off to give the impression that they aren’t interested.
Second, the soft-ice-cream-swallow truth:
When we have “negativity bias,” our brains look for evidence to support negative belief systems. When we have ”cognitive dissonance,” our brains use whatever evidence is present, whether factual or not, to support those beliefs.
What this means is that if Kim’s subconscious belief system thinks all men will reject her or that there are no good and available single men, she will (unconsciously) seek out those fellas.
And! She won’t notice the good single men who would like her. They’re not in her conscious awareness.
I personally saw this happen with a friend of mine. She was literally in mid-complaint about how there were no good guys left in the world, blah blah blah, when a handsome man started engaging with her.
It was obvious he was interested, but she didn’t see it at all! She reacted no differently than she would have if a woman had been talking with her.
I told her afterward what had happened, and she couldn’t even remember what he looked like.
He was very handsome!
So, is Kim only noticing the wrong guys? Could be.
Are you?
xo AJ
p.s. Yep, you know I’m gonna say it! My WakeUP2Luv course will help you figure out your negativity biases and cognitive dissonances when it comes to the guys you’re attracted to and attract and help you change what’s not working for you. Are you ready to be ready to find your Mr. Right? Invest in yourself today, lady, today!
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