Online Dating Advice for Men
AJ here: Hey, guys! Whether you’re looking for the best dating app or the best dating sites, you’re going to love this interview with Mr. Schwartz about how to make your online dating a shit ton more effective, and I dare say … fun!
Make sure to read to the end, because as aside from some stellar dating app / dating site advice, our honorary guest interviewee has an amazing offer for you!
So, Greg, how’d you become an online dating coach?
GS: I started because years ago a friend was venting to me about dating. Bars were terrible, Meetups didn’t work, friends didn’t introduce him to women they knew… nothing worked!
He hadn’t said anything about online dating, so I asked him how that was going.
He became infuriated! “Greg, online dating doesn’t work for me. Online dating doesn’t work for ANY of our friends. You’re the only one online dating works for! So stop $^#@$@# suggesting I use online dating!”
Woah, that’s quite the reaction! What happened?
GS: I was shocked, and changed the subject so he’d calm down.
I thought it was interesting that he’d gotten so mad, especially since we DID have friends that it had worked for. And I thought that even though I meet most of the women I date online, I’m as frustrated with online dating as everyone else, aren’t I?
So I started researching how people felt about online dating. And I found that not only was I much better at it, but that most people absolutely hated it!
“It doesn’t make sense”, “I can’t get it to work”, “Women are rude online”, “Men are awful online” etc.
So I created a course teaching people how I approach online dating, and it eventually morphed into the courses I offer now.
I think of online dating like being in a live romantic comedy show, heavy on the comedy! Tell us about the courses and services you offer?
GS: For men I have my Get More Dates 90 Day Program.
Many men I talk to struggle with getting enough dates and want to be confident that they’re working on the right parts of dating. My program not only takes their profile from bland to amazing, it also teaches how to appeal to the kind of woman they want, so she’ll love his photos and profile.
I also offer in-person workshops for both men (and women).
I have an online dating program, too, we should compare notes! Dating can be stressful, how do you recommend guys cope with the stress?
GS: Definitely, let’s do that … The biggest source of dating stress is expecting the woman to act the way you want, when you want.
Having empathy for the other person (regardless of gender and orientation) is one of the biggest things I see missing from dating.
When you have empathy and someone cancels a date at the last minute you don’t say, “Ugh, she’s a flake and a loser” or “Wow, she’s so high maintenance and self-absorbed”.
You say, “Oh, I’m disappointed that you’re canceling. What’s going on?”
Then they can tell you about why and you can actually connect over it. And that increased connection makes it easier to reschedule (whether they offer or you ask).
Great point! In your opinion, what are the top traits women look for in men? Vice versa?
GS: It’s hard to generalize like that. But, here are what I most often hear:
- Women look for safety, connection, and to feel heard.
- Men look for partnership, attraction (mental, physical, emotional, etc), and ways their lives are aligned (shared interests, politics, etc).
That said, everyone looks for all those things! I simply tend to usually hear those things first.
I concur. Let’s talk about first dates. What would you say is most important thing to do before a first date?
- Let your day go, especially if it was a rough day. You’re meeting a new person — get excited about it and put your best foot forward!
- If you had a really rough day, then tell your date that in advance. Being honest about where you’re at can allow you to bond over rough experiences, and allows you to be more authentic with them, which is attractive.
The common thread in the interviews I’ve done is that honesty and authenticity get high points. Let’s talk more about online dating —obviously, this is a go-to for a lot of singles nowadays. Is there anyone who shouldn’t try it?
GS: Haha, definitely do it! I’d take anyone who says, “No” to online dating to task because that’s like saying, “Cell phone, yes or no?”
If you don’t do it, you’ll miss out on a lot of chances for connection. Can it be done badly, or taken too far? Absolutely! But throwing it out automatically is a huge mistake.
In your experience, what do you think is the best app or best dating sites for meeting someone?
GS: There isn’t one site that’s best. It depends on you and who you want to attract. Are you looking for someone religious? Try eHarmony. Are you looking for someone well educated? Try OkCupid. Are you looking for someone who has a corporate job? Try Coffee Meets Bagel or Hinge. And so on.
What are your best tips for a good online dating profile? Do’s? Don’ts?
GS: Do’s. Photos have 4 purposes, in order of importance:
- Get the viewer to the next photo, or your profile, or your message. If you turn them off, everything else you did doesn’t matter.
- Create chemistry. Get her thinking, ”Ooh, there’s something about him!” If there’s some chemistry and energy with you, she’ll be more interested.
- Create physical attraction. If she thinks, ”His eyes are beautiful!” “I love his smile!” Physical attraction isn’t as powerful as chemistry, but it’s definitely important.
- Show attractive interests — note that says: “attractive” not: “typical!” This is the weakest area, but people put the most effort into these photos.
Great photos serve at least two of the above purposes. If a photo doesn’t serve at least two of those purposes, delete it right away.
Absolutely. One bad photo can turn her off immediately. Do not pass Go. What about the Don’ts?
GS: Ok, the Don’ts would be …
- Blank profile. It indicates that you’re lazy, uninterested in dating and often even seems arrogant
- Negative comments. “Don’t message me if you’re ____”, “I’m tired of _____”
- Photos with sunglasses. They can’t connect with you!
Sorry, fellas, this pic is a: “Nope” - Photos with other people: it’s always confusing and the viewer may be more attracted to them than you!
Ouch! Having been on various dating sites myself, I totally agree! Do you think men should play “hard to get” if they’re looking for a serious relationship?
GS: Never, ever play hard to get.
This type of behaviour is what creates a lot of the cultural issues North American society is running into, and it’s why men have been trained not to take “no” for an answer. Playing games is why everyone — I hear this frequently from both men and women — feels like they can’t be honest when they’re attracted to someone.
Playing hard to get is purposefully saying one thing when you mean another to create confusion for the other person. It can work, but it doesn’t create healthy relationships.
Yep, true story. So, without playing games, what would you recommend as an effective strategy to build attraction?
GS: Story is exactly it! Come up with true stories about aspects of you that are attractive to the people you are interested in. Practice telling those stories.
Telling a story allows you to show those attractive qualities in a believable way, unlike saying, “I’m smart!” which no one believes.
Telling a story is also attractive because having a story that you’re comfortable with helps you feel confident, which is very attractive.
Finally, stories are how people connect and make for a much more fun date than “uh, so what do you do? And where did you go to school?”
Agreed, a good story can reveal a lot more about us than the simple details within it, and revealing ourselves is an act of intimacy. Love that. Greg, what do you love most about helping people?
GS: I love the lightbulb moments when they suddenly understand a concept. And when they get the date they were hoping for — the celebration, the jumping up and down, the fist pumps, the cheering!
That’s the best feeling as a coach for sure. What about frustrations working with singles looking for love?
GS: Actually, everyone’s pretty hard on themselves. I focus on helping them be authentic and proud of themselves.
We are our own worst critics, aren’t we …Do you have a funny or inspiring client story?
GS:I took a client through a lesson on figuring out what qualities he wanted in a woman and what aspects of himself would be attractive to a woman with those qualities. Then I helped him brainstorm stories that showed those aspects of himself and gave him homework to practice and polish the stories.
On our next call he told me that he’d gone to two parties and naturally started sharing those stories with women he was interested in. Instead of their eyes glazing over and wandering away — the usual reaction, if he could even work up the nerve to talk to an attractive woman — they couldn’t wait to hear more!
He ended up getting two of their phone numbers, and was blown away! He’d never before gotten a woman’s number at a party, let alone two.
High five!! That’s fantastic. So, Greg, if you could only give one piece of advice to guys looking for love, what would it be?
GS: Get clear on the qualities you’re looking for in someone beyond the usual qualities people look for: body, height, income, occupation, car, etc. Knowing what those qualities are will help you better recognize that kind of person, even if they aren’t quite your usual “type.” Then brainstorm the aspects of you that would appeal to that kind of person.
Yes, it’s vital to know what our real deal-makers and deal-breakers are. How can men find you?
GS: Since Anna is awesome, I’m going to gift the first 7 of your readers with an Online Dating Breakthrough Session!
This isn’t free coaching. It’s to help you become clear on what you want (beyond the usual qualities: body, height, etc), and what’s not working for you in dating. If there’s a fit and resonance, I’ll tell you how I can help.
Go to makeonlinedatingfun to sign up! Only the first 7 people will get that gift and everyone will get my Cheat Sheet for the Best Profile Photos.
Shut the front door! That’s awesome sauce!! (And yes, I am, too, thanks for the compliment! lol)
AJ: Wow, you guys! I wasn’t expecting this offer. Let that be a ‘note to self’: Under promise and over deliver.
Greg really knows his stuff, so get on over there and take advantage of his generous offer.
#GregImpressedTheRedhead