And How to Know if Someone’s Right for You
How to avoid going for the wrong person (mate) starts with knowing…
People love their comfort zones! (I totally do.)
Our comfort zone is like a pair of well-worn PJs—familiar, cozy, safe.
Like a comfy pair of PJs, we tend to be attracted to people and often fall in love with partners who feel familiar.
The tricky bit is that we usually feel familiar with people who remind us of our early influencers, such as our parents or primary caretakers, teachers or mentors, or maybe a coach.
When we associate with the positive traits of these influencers, we create healthy standards—consciously or not—for what we expect in a romantic partner.
But when we associate with the negative traits of early influencers—everyone has negative traits—we end up feeling frustrated and unloved.
We’re attracted to the positive and negative traits in others that feel familiar to us.
AJ TMI Storytime:
My dad had some awesome qualities that made me feel safe and loved. He set the bar pretty f’in high for any man who’s going to bed and wed this gal!
He was unabashedly affectionate and completely adored me. He also didn’t give a shit about what people thought of him. Because of that, people either loved him or really really didn’t.
He was a humble man and wasn’t mean; it simply didn’t faze him what others opinions were of him.
As a result, I’m only attracted to men who are cuddly hand-holders and have uber self-confidence without any need to impress others. (Hello, Mr. Humble Hand-Holder!)
But!
My dad died of a heart attack when I was 12.
Super bummer. That sucked major and had a significant impact on my future love choices.
I ended up going for a string of super fit, super hot, seemingly healthy guys who were not hand-holders, but my subconscious mind told me, “He won’t die and abandon you, Anna J.”
But they looked healthy because they were members of the Vanity Insanity Club, which is great if that’s what you’re looking for (or are vain yourself), but for me, it came with a big-ass dose of extensive criticism. (Which I also experienced from other early influencers.)
“Aren’t you going to wear some make-up?” one said on a boating trip in the middle of the ocean.
“What happened?” grabbing my Size 2—at the time—nearly non-existent—at the time—belly.
And then there was the hot guy who needed every girl’s sexual attention for his validation.
Ugh!
The moral of these potentially embarrassing stories is that I thought I wanted a man who would outlive me, but I ended up with men I wanted to punch in the throat. (Figuratively, of course!)
The right man for me is physically, mentally and emotionally healthy—and a pro PDA hand-holder.
How to Not Go For the Wrong Person and Know if Someone is Right for You
- List all the positive and negative qualities of early influencers.
- Narrow it down to a Top 5 Must-Have and Must-NOT-Have list.
- Stick to the list, people! Stick to the list!
I tell you about the critical reason for having a “Top 5 List” in an upcoming Wingmam YouTube video. (Subscribe to be automatically notified when new videos are uploaded.)
And don’t fret over any relationships you’ve had or are in—romantic or platonic—that have gone south, as in flew the coop, as in didn’t work out. Consider those practice relationships to help you figure out your Top 5!
xo AJ
If you’re ready to settle down without settling and want to take the next step, check out my WakeUP2Luv study-in-those-cozy-PJs online program offering four weeks of daily what-to-do’s to attract and keep lasting love. Bam!
Because―nothing changes if nothing changes.