Pull Back, Give Her Space, Be the Hero
Should you pull back and give her space to chase you? If you chase her, she pulls away, but if you don’t chase her, then she thinks you’re not interested. What to do?
The inspiration for this post was a comment on my blog. He asked why women play head games and whether a guy should pull back and give her space or ditch the games and grow up, already, dammit!
His Question re: Pull Back / Give Her Space
Hi Anna, your article is very good and I like your blog. Advice is quite realistic and helpful. I apply many of these strategies and am much happier than in the past than when I had less experience, but I often notice when you pull back — after noticing that she’s pulling back — and let her come to you, she accuses you of not chasing and sees that as a sign of disinterest (though we know it doesn’t work that way).
Do you think exposure of media and movies and the unrealistic picture they paint causes this kind of contradictory behaviour?
My Reply re: Pull Back / Give Her Space
First of all, hell to the yes! (AJ slang for “hell yes!”): Hollywood gives women unrealistic expectations of what relationships are supposed to look like!
The line (from the movie Gerry McGuire) that fucked up everyone’s expectations of a healthy relationship and forever made every un-coupled person question their self-worth was—
“You complete me.”
Chick Flicks feel good to women because they hit every hot button:
- The dashingly handsome and rich-as-snot hero! (Often the underdog.)
- A seemingly impossible challenge for the hero to overcome!
- Sir Snot’s adorable and endearing emotional vulnerability!
- The way the hero gets the girl in the end! (Which wouldn’t happen in real life and, really, what guy in his right mind would want such a Princess Pants high maintenance chick, anyway?! The woman usually needs a good, hard spank.)
Ok, yes, I have an issue with the modern chick flick. But I’ve also watched them and felt as giddy and giggly as a pre-teen. It’s biology!! (Fucking biology.)
To be fair, if a regular guy can channel even some of the hero’s characteristics, he can get the KIND of girl he wants. Maybe not THE girl he wants. Jessica Alba is off the table, guys.
Remember, we have little to no control over someone else’s free will, nor should we. Relationships must be mutual in many aspects to be healthy.
You can’t always get what you want. ~ Mick Jagger and Keith Richards
For example:
I want Gerard Butler. Yes, the actor. Yes, the star of the film, 300. No, I’ve never met him. No, he doesn’t know I exist in the world.
It doesn’t matter how many vision boards I put him on, he’s not going to magically show up on my doorstep and ask me to marry him.
Every woman (and gay man) with this fantasy needs to do a reality check, A-sap!
But the essence of what you think you want in that girl who you desire? Yes, that you can get. You can get that type of girl, if not that girl, if you have some of “the hero’s” qualities.
3 Basic Hero Qualities
- Bravery. What requires courage for most guys? Example: Unapologetic honesty that feels vulnerable.
- Mysteriousness. Don’t show all your cards, leave something to be discovered. Example: You’re not obligated to disclose your every whereabouts.
- Integrity. Do the right thing at the right time. As in: you do the right thing now, rather than going back later and apologizing or trying to make up for not doing it when you know you should have. Example: Do not ditch your date with Granny to spend time with Your Jessica.
Pull Away and Give Her Space
If you pull away and give her some space, she’s going to notice it, for sure. That’s not a bad thing.
When she accuses you of not chasing her, it could be that she’s “shit-testing” you to see if you’ll fold. (Don’t!)
Or it could be that you’ve pulled too far back, and she genuinely thinks you’re not interested.
What to Do
Tell her you’re interested. But! Don’t start chasing.
Until you’re in a “we’ve had the committed relationship talk,” let her come to you more than you go to her.
Hey, don’t hate the players, hate the game — which is largely psychological and biological (too much to go over in this post) — sorry all! And don’t shoot the messenger (me); I’m here to help you decode this shit! Take it up with God; He created us messed up mammalians!
The Pull Away / Give Her Space Formula
- Courting (no sex yet): Initiate communication once for every three times she does.
- Dating (having sex, no commitment yet): Initiate communication once for every two times she does.
- Relationship (“had the talk”): Initiate equally.
What’s our motto? Right! Always leave them wanting more. Let her wonder about you. She will if she’s interested in the slightest.
Women be hating on me for this one, but it’s what is proven to work with the AVERAGE woman (i.e., most of us). I know this stuff, and it works on me!
xo AJ
p.s. If you want to know why I heart The Gerry, read my blog on Why Women Spread ‘em For Gerard Butler. If you want to know how to become your own real-you version of Gerry (or Brad or Wolverine or Whatever Celebrity Dude You Admire), stop procrastinating already and take my course, WakeUP2Luv. It’s basically “hero training.”
Hi Anna
I know you wrote this for men, but from a women’s perspective this is confusing!!
A lot of advice for women says that he will naturally pull away and that if a woman chases/pursues a man she will scare/push him away.
I’m fairly new at dating after a long term marriage, so I’m trying to figure a few things out.
It seems to me that if a woman is giving a guy that elastic band space (so he can pull back, then press forward), or ‘mirroring’ the guy (also common advice for women), but he’s taken your advice to let HER chase……nothing will ever move forward.
If I am mirroring, so that I don’t ‘push him away’, then all he’ll ever get is one text back for every text……if he’s waiting for 3…….
Yep, that’s exactly true! But here’s why I write it for both men and women — hopefully, this ain’t too offensive, but it’s true from my experience with singles who come to me with their questions! …
The men and women who tend to follow my teachings are often lonely and longing. Not every single person is lonely and longing!
The relevance is that when we’re not feeling “desperate” we act naturally without getting attached to the outcome and without coming on strong and / or needy. We naturally pace ourselves.
But for those singles who are desperate, needy or who tend to get too invested too soon, this advice is for you. Whether you’re a man or woman.
In a perfect world, we’re all self-actualized, independent and confident. In that world, we can be direct, honest and vulnerable without ill consequence. (Or if we don’t like the consequence, it doesn’t affect us, anyway.) But, as mentioned, those folks don’t come to me.
Hope this makes sense! xo AJ
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