Dating Tips for Separated Men
These tips for separated men come from a viewer, Almost Divorced Man (thanks, ADM!), who is at the tail end of finalizing his divorce. Yay for Almost Divorced Man!
For the sake of clarity, the indented paragraphs are ADM’s words; the rest are Anna’s interjections.
If I haven’t made a note, I completely agree with ADM and no additional commentary is needed.
If you thought getting divorced sucks, the bad news is that dating as a separated Man is even worse.
Religion, family, girlfriends and even dating videos have infused bad connotations in woman’s minds about Separated Men.
I could not find one dating video that supported dating tips for Separated Men or Women. Even … Anna has a video telling guys to stay away from Separated Women.
True. I don’t think anyone should look for their next forever love with their still entangled with the last one. I explain why later in this post…
All is not lost! There are things you can do to find women as a Separated Man.
Tips for Separated Men
Tip #1 Face the Separated Man stigma
Woman want stability and certainty and being a man in “limbo” with a divorce pushes all the wrong buttons with many women.
I was never sure how you become instantaneously more attractive or a better person the day after your divorce, but that is how many women think.
It has nothing to do with worth, as I’ll explain in the Risks section.
As with all problems, you have to face it before you can deal with it.
Tip #2 Take responsibility for your failed marriages(s)
Analyze why your marriage, or marriages (in my case) did not work.
Whether it was that you grew apart, family issues, financial issues, careers or whether either one or both of you cheated.
No matter what happened, you bear some of the responsibility.
Your next love deserves the true answer as to why it went off the tracks.
Tip # 3 Learn from your past
Do not make the same mistake again.
Do a criteria list for your next love (I have 23 items on mine). Stay true to that list.
Especially for the older, Separated Man, you are going to be dealing with the box of broken toys.
Every woman is going to have some issues. Your criteria list will help sort through your feelings on a woman.
Do not compromise or settle from the critical criteria items on your list. You are better than that!
Cough: WakeUP2Luv… Ok, continue reading…
It is a lot better to be alone or hang with your buddies than be in another unhappy relationship.
Tip #4 Stay positive and upbeat
The dating process as a Separated Man sucks, especially as an older man.
Do a list for what you have to do and act to stay positive and to keep your spirits up (I have 13 items on my list).
Watch Anna’s other videos for key behavioral points that you have to follow.
Make sure you are able to tolerate rejection and frustration because there will be a lot of that.
AJ’s How to Handle Rejection Playlist.
Tip #5 Get you act together!
Get to the gym, hair stylist and clothing / shoe store.
Spend some money on yourself. The last thing a woman wants is a broken man.
Tip #6 [Enlist] women to get you dates
Identify married women who you find attractive, have the right financial status and have common interests and values as you and ask them to fix you up with their single friends.
Do this with strangers as well as women you know. Many women fancy themselves as matchmakers.
Some are good at it, some are really good at it and some just fix you up with a hopelessly, damaged friend. Given them some basic criteria on what you are looking for.
Unfortunately, these married women are only good for one fix up.
They will invariably fix you up with a friend or relative and will not compromise that friendship or relationship by fixing you up with another woman.
This is the ultimate numbers game, so get as many married women working for you as possible.
Drop the bad fixups and find more married women to fix you up.
Tip #7 Be honest to yourself and women about your divorce
Be absolutely clear with women where you are in your divorce, whether you are at the beginning, end, in mediation, close to a settlement or in a long fight.
If you are in for a long fight with your ex, you are likely screwed in finding the woman of your dreams.
You will have to settle for a [less than ideal] woman or a life of playing golf with your buddies and looking for one-night stands.
Tip #8 Help her out
Many women will not go out with you because you are a Separated Man or on the second date will inform you that they do not want to see you again until you are divorced.
A great [suggestion] here:
When a woman says that her principles will not allow her to go on a date with a Separated Man, tell her that you understand and tell her to label the next time with you as just something with a “friend.”
Amazingly simple!
A woman is self-compelled to communicate that she is a “good girl”. Give her a way out of it by not calling it a date.
Tip #9 Get her on your divorce team
Women are naturally curious creatures and love to get into your business, especially your divorce.
Ask them to review your divorce filings and ask them for advice on the process.
Consider her counsel but don’t automatically go with what she says. You hired a lawyer for a reason.
Bring them under the tent and keep them updated every step of the way.
This is risky for sure as you are going to lay everything out there, but no better way to build teamwork, emotional intimacy and trust with a woman.
Tip #10 Drop the dreaded, well-adjusted woman
Women who have been divorced or widowed for a few years are likely to be set in their ways, have lots of girlfriends, travel groups, and rely on family, church, friends etc. for support and companionship.
Some even have their ex’s as friends.
These women may say they want a man in their lives but do not believe them. They do not have a place in their heart or time in their schedule for you.
They may have a place in their heart for a man, but even if they’re open to being with the right guy, a “separated man” won’t be him.
Tip #11 Expand your target environment
Take trips to places where there are available women.
Go to warm, trendy places with action and things going on.
Worry about a commuting relationship later.
Tip#12 Keep you head screwed on
You are in the middle of two of the hardest processes in your life.
Do not be angry and keep your emotions in check.
Anger is normal and healthy, just don’t get stuck in it and don’t take it express it inappropriately.
Take advantage of your time as a Separated Man to improve yourself, find new friends and stock the shelves with women who will go out with you after your divorce.
If you are really lucky, you will find Your Next Love before your divorce.
Either way, be in control and stay in control.
There some stellar tips for separated men right there! Again, thanks Almost Divorced Man. (Feel free to contact ADM here: [email protected])
Now, let’s look at some of the areas to remind yourself to be cautiously aware of…
Risks of Dating as a Separated Men (by Anna)
- If your ex finds out you’re dating in general, it could stall out negotiations and take way longer to finalize.
- As well, if your ex finds out you’re dating someone special, she’ll have more leverage in divorce negotiations because she’ll assume you’re motivated to move on with your life.
- The stress, and your resulting behaviours, of a nasty divorce may destroy what would otherwise have been a potentially amazing relationship with the new lady.
- You haven’t had time to review where you went wrong and what you really need in the next partner (#WakeUP2Luv!) and you haven’t had time to heal. (You probably already know what you don’t want because you’ve evaluated your ex’s awful behaviours ad nasseam!)
So take these tips for separated men with a bucket of salt. Do not place said salt in divorce wound. Go forth knowing … this too shall pass.
xo AJ
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This is for men who want to reclaim what they feel women have stolen from them in a bad relationship and reconnect with their masculine confidence in all areas of life.
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AJ’s Personal TMI Divorce Tidbit P.S.
I’ve really got nothing new to report on my health issues, so I’ll just add that there truly are good women out there who won’t divorce-rape you, even if you divorce.
I’m divorced.
And while it was still an emotionally painful process for both my ex-husband and me, we negotiated our own settlement amicably.
He got more in the divorce agreement because he came into the relationship with more (I was 23 and he was 39 when we met), even though my income and entrepreneurial acumen acquired substantial equity for us.
I also felt that because I had more working years left in me than he did, I could financially recover within those extra working years.
Our respective lawyers simply had to draft the paperwork. It cost less than $1,200. Canadian!
After the divorce, we continued doing business together for over five years (he was a builder and I was a land pimp aka REALTOR®) until I moved on to this career.
My ex is remarried and retired and while we’re no longer friends (time, distance, respect for his new wife) I sincerely wish him health, wealth and true happiness.
My sharing this isn’t to make you feel worse about your situation, but to emphasize that NAWALT (not all women are like that).
I was not a perfect wife by far, but I was as good a woman as one could get for a divorce.
There’s so much more that could be said here, but I’ll leave it at that.
Take the time to heal so you don’t wind up choosing poorly because of loneliness.
Big hug.
RE: Dating as a Separated Man
When I was separated and going through my divorce, there were a number of women said,”I do not date separated men”. One said, “Been there, done that, he could never pull the trigger (and get divorced”. I can’t blame them, I’d be leery too., There were also a number of women who said flat out, “Come back when you have been divorced a year.” I dated a few women who did not mind my separated status before the divorce was finalized.
While I was dating at that time, I found that being an almost empty nester, if the person had never been a parent, that took the last twenty years of conversation out of the picture. I used this time to determine what type of woman would best suit me post divorce. So, gradually, my list of requirements (or at least nice to haves) was formulated.
The point I’d like to make is, if your separated, use this time to determine who you now are, and who you would like to be with.
To those women who told me to come back after I’d been divorced a year, 3 months after my divorce was final, I met the lady I’ve been dating almost 8 years now. If you are a great guy, you won’t be on the market long. 😉
Scott D.
Very happy you found “your person.” The good ones do get scooped up quick.
Also, I fully concur on the figure out what you want in the next mate (and definitely don’t want).
I dedicate a module to figuring out what a man really wants and needs vs what he thinks he wants and needs. It seems you’ve figured that out!
For the guys who are a bit gun shy because they may have chosen poorly once or twice, it’s a great process to use to “fix your picker” and never pick a “fixer upper” again.
Program details here: https://members.wingmam.com/get-women/
Thank you for reading and commenting! 🙂
Ref tip #3
“Do a criteria list for your next love (I have 23 items on mine). Stay true to that list.”
IMO 23 items here is excessive and way to limiting, particularly if you are not even divorced yet. If you are just getting back out there, such a long list will insure you spend nights alone. Every woman you date doesn’t need to meet a dream girl criteria. For me, this list should be limited to around 5 items max until you have been divorced for a long enough time that you are serious about re-marriage.
Things like religious beliefs, general political ideology, levels of physical activity and limitations compatibility, financial independence considerations, and general sexual attraction and attitudes would be on my list for women I would seek to date.
It’s no wonder ADM feels his opportunities are so limited, he has limited them. Datable women in the 40-60 range are prolific. Finding them takes a but more effort maybe (they seem less likely to be in clubs on ladies night) but they are out there. Every date in no way needs to be future wife material, that’s a strategy for disappointment. Date for fun and yes SEX, love will strike when love strikes. That’s the way it will work whether you intend it or not anyway. In the end, if you are really searching for “dream girl” the way to find her is to have as few limitations as possible. The likelihood of finding her is in numbers/opportunity, not a long list of arbitrary requirements.
Ref#6
Unless your friend’s specific acquaintance is someone you have keen interest in, I’d avoid “set ups”. Unless you are fully aware and a bit knowledgeable about the prospective set-up you are going to get set-up with the most needy, most damaged, likely. A legit dating site is going to be much more fruitful and you won’t risk damage to the relationship with your friend. There are always going to be exceptions of course but generally, having a friend set you up is a bad idea IMO. Find your own dates.
Ref#9
Oh hell no. Unless you are in a very committed LTR, keep “Dates” out of your business as much as possible and NEVER let your new dating interest meet or talk to your EX. Emphasis on NEVER. Your dating interests should be given accurate information on where you are at in the divorce process but have no need to know all the gory details. It is the equivalent of taking the new relationship down a dirt road of your own relationship foibles vs staying on a nice smooth hwy. A dating interest knowing all the details of your past relationships has a much better chance of being turned against you than working for you. Keep those things on a “need to know” basis.
Ref#10 Your dating interest’s girlfriends will likely be your jury. Be very judicious in your behavior and opinions around them at least until you’ve secured your position in your love interests life. Many a man has been 86’ed because of undue scrutiny by the girlfriend’s girlfriend(s). Be careful not to sabotage yourself.
I agree with the risk of being set up with a dud, while at the same time things it’s good to just get back out there. So, let your friend the matchmaker know what your standards are and that it’s a one shot deal, so don’t blow it by setting you up with a dud.
I also fully agree on getting the list of must-have’s (dealmakers) and must-not-have’s (dealbreakers) down to 5 so you don’t disqualify everyone, since no on is perfect (including the dude). My WakeUP2Luv program goes through a process on how to do figure out exactly which 5 to pay attention for. (Hint: It’s not the same for every man, and most men have the wrong list in their head!)
Thanks for the comment! 🙂
AJ, I like you a lot – you speak from the heart! My personal addition to this topic is that I am an evangelical Christian man amd I explain to prospective Chrisyian women that I have Biblically divorced my ex-wife (due to her admitted adultery) and I reviewed my dating desires with the pastor, elders, and selected deacons of my church for concurrence. I usually add that the lawyers and court will catch up soon.
Now I could write a treatise on accepting blame. My number one fault in my marriage failure was naivety. I accept some anxiety and depression, and loss of motivation, but blindness and lack of assertiveness were my biggest faults.
Biblically sound logic is important to a fellow Christian. I stand tall before my God.
I applaud his and your comments on self-improvement and self esteem boosting. They promote healing.
Thank you again for your work, demeanor, and resources.
– Mark
Great points! Thank you for your comment (and for reading my blogs and watching my videos)! 🙂