Why Do Nice Guys Get Rejected?

Why DO Nice Guys Get Rejected?

I get asked the question why do nice guys get rejected by both “good men” and “nice guys.”

What’s the difference?

Before I share my answer, first ask yourself these questions…

Do you:

  • Find it difficult to disagree with people, especially women?
  • Avoid conflict even when you actually want to speak up?
  • Have trouble asking for what you want because you think it’ll inconvenience or displease someone?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a “nice guy.”

“Nice Guy” Definition

For the purpose of this topic, we’re going to redefine the word “nice” to mean “too nice.”

A more appropriate title is why do guys who are too nice finish last?

But y’all fellas are searching the term: why do nice guys get rejected, so this title will reach a lot more guys who need it.

When I refer to niceness, I’m not referring to kindness or decency.nice guy syndrome why do nice guys get rejected

I’m basing the definition off of Dr. Robert Glover’s book, No More Mr. Nice Guy.

If you’ve ever been called a nice guy in a derogatory way, this vlog will help you understand why that is, why it’s not benefiting you and answer the question: why do nice guys get rejected.

But for now let’s answer the question why do nice guys get rejected…

Nice Guy Good Traits

Guys who are nice tend to be super reliable, always show up, and can be counted on to help, which are all great traits, but…

Too Nice Guy Less Great Traits

…what makes these nice guy traits not great is that they have a selfish, hidden agenda.

Example

Guys who are too nice who are super reliable always show up and can be counted on but it’s because they’re seeking validation or attention, or they want something in return.

Whereas, a genuinely nice guy is reliable because doing so feels good and aligns with his values.

There is no hidden expectation of something in return.

There’s no covert contact the other person is unaware of.

Key point!

The difference a true nice guy and a too nice guy is in the intention behind your actions.

Only you can know what your true intentions are.

Have you ever done something for a girl with the expectation of something in return without actually asking for that thing?

If you answered “yes” (or even “maybe”) you might be a “too nice” guy.

There’s a Wingmam Litmus Test you can use to help you figure out if your intentions are altruistic or selfish, which I’ll share in a bit.

But here’s a hint:

If you find yourself feeling resentful of the amount of time, resources or attention you give a woman (or anyone else) because you’re not getting enough back in return but you’re not communicating your needs or desires, then you are displaying the insincere behaviours of a “too nice” guy.

Key point!

Women can feel your inauthenticity even if they aren’t consciously aware of it.

Being fake is an expression of insecurity, which is a turnoff to women.

Also, even though guys who are too nice are often people pleasers, they tend to have underlying feelings of anger, resentment and frustration about giving and not getting what they think they deserve back.

“Too nice” guys have an unspoken expectation of how they should be treated but because they expect others to either be like them or to be mind-readers and they don’t want to upset a woman for fear of losing a potential girlfriend, they don’t explicitly communicate their feelings and needs.

This can lead to passive aggressive behaviours.

Example

You may be angry at a girl for not liking you even though you’ve done lots of nice things for her.

Meanwhile, she thought you were doing nice things because you’re her friend and that’s what friends do!

She didn’t know there was an “exchange of services” with you she’d agreed to.

Again, not sexy.

Addictions

Guys who are too nice also tend to have addictive personalities.

They often seek validation, fib or manipulate (instead of asking outright) and carry conscious or unconscious shame in several areas of their lives.

Example

You might be addicted to alcohol, drugs, video games, s-e-x, porn etc to avoid dealing with what’s really holding you back in life and love.

Guys who are too nice often go out of their way to impress women to gain validation, while at the same time feel an underlying sense of resentment toward women, especially if they don’t get the reaction they want.

As with all wounded humans, unhealthy personality traits and behaviours usually come from childhood or past painful experiences like rejection.

If this sounds like you, then you may have had a dominating parent, whether it was your father or mother. (My heart goes out to you.)

Guys who are too nice often either work extra hard to seem perfect (to avoid criticism because they feel fundamentally flawed and don’t want that to be discovered) or they feel the opposite way and project their brokenness by playing a victim role.

Either way, guys who are too nice don’t feel good enough.

Side note!

Guilt is feeling bad about a particular behaviour we chose; shame is feeling bad about who we are.

Example

You may want to do certain intimate (sexual) things in a relationship, but expect a girl to automatically know what those things are without you having to tell her.

Or, you may want certain things but not feel worthy of those things and not have the courage to ask for those needs to be met.

Key point!

Any emotionally healthy woman will get tired of having to be a mind-reader or of being punished for not being a mind-reader.

Along those lines, a guy who’s artificially too nice comes across as beta—not making decisions or leading because he’s afraid to make the wrong decision or suggest something that might displease her.

Example

Instead of saying, “I want to take you to such-and-such restaurant, wear a nice dress.”

He’ll say, “Where do you want to go? What do you feel like?”

He thinks it’s the right thing to do, but —

Key point!

Feminine women want masculine alpha men.

Alpha men take risks, make decisions and lead.

Alpha men get laid because alpha men take risks, make decisions and lead.

Women respect a man who can make decisions and lead and as I’ve mentioned in other videos—

Key point!

Respect precedes attraction.

When a guy who is too nice tries to be perfect for her, it comes across as inauthentic and fake.

And again, women feel that and it’s a turn off because she intuitively feels he can’t be trusted.

Key point!

Women’s primary need is to feel safe. That includes emotional safety. A woman can’t feel emotionally safe with a man she doesn’t trust.

She doesn’t know what she’d really be signing up for and she subconsciously wonders what else he’ll fib about or hide to save himself from conflict or appearing imperfect. #beta

Sometimes, guys who are too nice have female friends but they dote on them with a hidden agenda.

The Wingmam Litmus Test

If you want to know if you have a hidden agenda, like to make her your girlfriend, is to ask yourself if you’d still do that nice thing if she was 100% carpet munching lesbian.

Bam!

Why do nice guys get rejected or friend zoned or end up with dominating women they don’t really like?

Dr. Robert Glover says, If a man can’t stand up to a woman, he can’t stand up for a woman.

Women instinctively feel guys who are too nice can’t be trusted and are weak.

That’s why women test nice guys more than other guys.

Key point!

She’s looking for strength. The less backbone you show, the more she’ll test you.

The more you fail those tests by continuing to be too nice instead of calling her out on those tests, the less likely you’ll ever get out of the friend zone.

The good news is you can be a true nice guy while at the same time as having a back bone, express your own opinions and have the ability to make decisions and display leadership traits.

And when you can do that, you will have your choice of high value women.

Are you too nice? Has anyone called you a nice guy or a people pleaser in a negative way?

You’re not the only one and it’s not your fault.

But it is something you can choose to change.

If this post resonated strongly with you, I urge you to sign up for my WakeUP2Luv Get a Great Girlfriend program.

WakeUP2Luv provides a step-by-step how-to guide for becoming your best you which leads to confidence and helps alleviate the need to people please.

And you… you got this.

xo AJ

Nice Guy playlist: http://bit.ly/NiceGuyPlaylist
Dealing with Dominant Women: https://youtu.be/xOKW6zNGwNw
Shit tests: http://bit.ly/WhySheTestsYouPlaylist

About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)

Leave a Comment:

6 comments
David says April 27, 2021

Why can’t women if they see that a guy is nice with no hidden agenda or extremely nervous talking to women help the guy out. Like asking him out, or taking the lead initially. This would be a lot cheaper than counseling (for the guy) and she might discover he truly is a keeper.

Thank You

Reply
    Anna Jorgensen says April 28, 2021

    Frustrating, isn’t it?! Here’s the thing, David, how can a woman possibly know a man doesn’t have a hidden agenda when she doesn’t know him and/or when so many men who came before him were manipulative? She may not trust herself never mind you.
    And unfortunately, extreme nervousness is never going to be endearing to high value women. A little bit of nervousness, yes, but extreme, no.
    Some women do ask guys out, but they’re often the dominant or feminist kind.
    Feminine women need masculine men and part of being masculine is being brave and confident.
    If she’s a keeper, she has plenty of options so why would she invest time getting to know a “maybe?” This is a harsh reality, I know!
    The best thing you can do is become confident. I’ve got a whole playlist on building confidence here and another one for shy guys here.
    Also, my WakeUP2Luv program has a step-by-step guide to becoming confident by focusing on other areas of your life and taking small steps with women in specific, manageable ways that build on the previous step. MANY men have found amazing girlfriends soon after finishing my program.
    Hope this helps!

    Reply
      David says April 28, 2021

      Thank you for your reply Anna. I have been struggling this for a long time.

      Reply
Tony Barzak says April 27, 2021

First, thanks.

I note your trying to clarify destinction between healthy or good and unhealthy or bad forms of “Nice Guy” description.

I would like to add something I see as significant in this.
To me, a key destinciton is that
The unhealthy nice guy seeks EXTERNAL validation, attention, return
The healthy nice guy seeks INTERNAL validation, attention, return

I am a subscriber to your WakeUp2Love and have gone through it once. I awakened an awful lot of intensely painful memories from infancy onward. I have clarity for the first time. Just wish I were young when I got this. My case was abadonment in my infancy through age 4 years. With paid nannies — I spoke with my mother before she died and she confirmed I was abused by first nanny – who left me alone for hours and days in a crib. The folloiwng nannies were better, but still some physical abuse. All that abuse was from women.
Mom had five husbands and many men between — I saw marriage warfare and decided to never marry — plus got a vasectomy out of th military soonest — did not want to have any kids without a dad, as I was. I have a huge amount of rage— both love and hate my mom.

My approach has been to focus internally, introspection — Now I am seeing value in their psychological babble — the models do have value and provide a theoretical framework I find useful.

I plan to go through your wakeUP2Luv again.
Now am reading a bnch of really good supporing stuff:
My favorite is How to Do the Work, by Nicole LePera

I am digesting all of it — takes time.
I am going through moments of feeling great and positive algernating with private rages and outbursts — not publicly
It seems I need to vent.
You are correct — it is painful as hell.
If I were convinced that life and the world were totally physical and there was no non-physical — the assumption of materialism, then I would definitely [off] myself and welcome oblivion as a way out.
Unfortunately, I am convinced otherwise, of a spiritual world that means we earn all we get and we cannot escape consequences through death of a body. Mind continues and assures we have a lot of suffering ahead —- reincarnation is not wonderful.

Reply
    Anna Jorgensen says April 28, 2021

    Excellent distinction! Thank you for that, it’s exactly right.
    Also, I’m glad you didn’t “exit, stage left.”
    So many men have had traumatic experiences in childhood and struggle in adult relationships because of it. I’m glad you’re working through it and I’m glad my WakeUP2Luv program provided the framework for helping with that.
    If you keep setting new goals and doing the recommended exercises in my program you may one day look back on your past without pain, maybe even with compassion. (I speak from firsthand experience. See memoir if curious.)
    God’s got your back, you’ll be ok. One step at a time.

    Reply
Anna Jorgensen says May 12, 2021

From a viewer and WakeUP2Luv grad: “I just thought of something about this nice guy thing. I don’t have to try and not be too nice, I just have to know what my real intentions are. It all comes down to the individual. We are being told by society from all sides about how to behave but it’s really just a case of knowing ourselves honestly, holding ourselves accountable, being aware of ourselves. If we did that we’d all be better off.”
AJ: Yes!! :))

Reply
Add Your Reply