I get asked the question why do nice guys get rejected by both “good men” and “nice guys.”
What’s the difference?
Before I share my answer, first ask yourself these questions…
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be a “nice guy.”
For the purpose of this topic, we’re going to redefine the word “nice” to mean “too nice.”
A more appropriate title is why do guys who are too nice finish last?
But y’all fellas are searching the term: why do nice guys get rejected, so this title will reach a lot more guys who need it.
I’m basing the definition off of Dr. Robert Glover’s book, No More Mr. Nice Guy.
If you’ve ever been called a nice guy in a derogatory way, this vlog will help you understand why that is, why it’s not benefiting you and answer the question: why do nice guys get rejected.
But for now let’s answer the question why do nice guys get rejected…
Guys who are nice tend to be super reliable, always show up, and can be counted on to help, which are all great traits, but…
…what makes these nice guy traits not great is that they have a selfish, hidden agenda.
Guys who are too nice who are super reliable always show up and can be counted on but it’s because they’re seeking validation or attention, or they want something in return.
Whereas, a genuinely nice guy is reliable because doing so feels good and aligns with his values.
There is no hidden expectation of something in return.
There’s no covert contact the other person is unaware of.
The difference a true nice guy and a too nice guy is in the intention behind your actions.
Only you can know what your true intentions are.
Have you ever done something for a girl with the expectation of something in return without actually asking for that thing?
If you answered “yes” (or even “maybe”) you might be a “too nice” guy.
There’s a Wingmam Litmus Test you can use to help you figure out if your intentions are altruistic or selfish, which I’ll share in a bit.
But here’s a hint:
If you find yourself feeling resentful of the amount of time, resources or attention you give a woman (or anyone else) because you’re not getting enough back in return but you’re not communicating your needs or desires, then you are displaying the insincere behaviours of a “too nice” guy.
Women can feel your inauthenticity even if they aren’t consciously aware of it.
Being fake is an expression of insecurity, which is a turnoff to women.
Also, even though guys who are too nice are often people pleasers, they tend to have underlying feelings of anger, resentment and frustration about giving and not getting what they think they deserve back.
“Too nice” guys have an unspoken expectation of how they should be treated but because they expect others to either be like them or to be mind-readers and they don’t want to upset a woman for fear of losing a potential girlfriend, they don’t explicitly communicate their feelings and needs.
This can lead to passive aggressive behaviours.
You may be angry at a girl for not liking you even though you’ve done lots of nice things for her.
Meanwhile, she thought you were doing nice things because you’re her friend and that’s what friends do!
She didn’t know there was an “exchange of services” with you she’d agreed to.
Again, not sexy.
Guys who are too nice also tend to have addictive personalities.
They often seek validation, fib or manipulate (instead of asking outright) and carry conscious or unconscious shame in several areas of their lives.
You might be addicted to alcohol, drugs, video games, s-e-x, porn etc to avoid dealing with what’s really holding you back in life and love.
Guys who are too nice often go out of their way to impress women to gain validation, while at the same time feel an underlying sense of resentment toward women, especially if they don’t get the reaction they want.
As with all wounded humans, unhealthy personality traits and behaviours usually come from childhood or past painful experiences like rejection.
If this sounds like you, then you may have had a dominating parent, whether it was your father or mother. (My heart goes out to you.)
Guys who are too nice often either work extra hard to seem perfect (to avoid criticism because they feel fundamentally flawed and don’t want that to be discovered) or they feel the opposite way and project their brokenness by playing a victim role.
Either way, guys who are too nice don’t feel good enough.
Guilt is feeling bad about a particular behaviour we chose; shame is feeling bad about who we are.
You may want to do certain intimate (sexual) things in a relationship, but expect a girl to automatically know what those things are without you having to tell her.
Or, you may want certain things but not feel worthy of those things and not have the courage to ask for those needs to be met.
Any emotionally healthy woman will get tired of having to be a mind-reader or of being punished for not being a mind-reader.
Along those lines, a guy who’s artificially too nice comes across as beta—not making decisions or leading because he’s afraid to make the wrong decision or suggest something that might displease her.
Instead of saying, “I want to take you to such-and-such restaurant, wear a nice dress.”
He’ll say, “Where do you want to go? What do you feel like?”
He thinks it’s the right thing to do, but —
Feminine women want masculine alpha men.
Alpha men take risks, make decisions and lead.
Alpha men get laid because alpha men take risks, make decisions and lead.
Women respect a man who can make decisions and lead and as I’ve mentioned in other videos—
Respect precedes attraction.
When a guy who is too nice tries to be perfect for her, it comes across as inauthentic and fake.
And again, women feel that and it’s a turn off because she intuitively feels he can’t be trusted.
Women’s primary need is to feel safe. That includes emotional safety. A woman can’t feel emotionally safe with a man she doesn’t trust.
She doesn’t know what she’d really be signing up for and she subconsciously wonders what else he’ll fib about or hide to save himself from conflict or appearing imperfect. #beta
Sometimes, guys who are too nice have female friends but they dote on them with a hidden agenda.
If you want to know if you have a hidden agenda, like to make her your girlfriend, is to ask yourself if you’d still do that nice thing if she was 100% carpet munching lesbian.
Why do nice guys get rejected or friend zoned or end up with dominating women they don’t really like?
Dr. Robert Glover says, If a man can’t stand up to a woman, he can’t stand up for a woman.
Women instinctively feel guys who are too nice can’t be trusted and are weak.
That’s why women test nice guys more than other guys.
She’s looking for strength. The less backbone you show, the more she’ll test you.
The more you fail those tests by continuing to be too nice instead of calling her out on those tests, the less likely you’ll ever get out of the friend zone.
The good news is you can be a true nice guy while at the same time as having a back bone, express your own opinions and have the ability to make decisions and display leadership traits.
And when you can do that, you will have your choice of high value women.
Are you too nice? Has anyone called you a nice guy or a people pleaser in a negative way?
You’re not the only one and it’s not your fault.
But it is something you can choose to change.
If this post resonated strongly with you, I urge you to sign up for my WakeUP2Luv Get a Great Girlfriend program.
WakeUP2Luv provides a step-by-step how-to guide for becoming your best you which leads to confidence and helps alleviate the need to people please.
And you… you got this.
Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)