Why Women Act Hot and Cold (& How to Fix That)!

Why Women Act Hot and Cold

One of the most frustrating things men tell me they’re confused by is why women act hot and cold.

Have you ever dated a woman and everything seems to be going well—you text each other every day and see each other a few times a week and she always seems happy to see you.

You think you’ve found someone you really like and get excited at what lays ahead.

But then she starts texting less often and starts cancelling plans without rescheduling.

You ask her if you did or said something wrong but she claims she’s just busy or tired or whatever.

Her erratic behaviour can be very frustrating.

So what happened?

There are essentially two reasons why women act hot and cold.

One has to do with you and the other has to do with her.

In this video, I’ll reveal what you may have done wrong, or what may be wrong with her. So make sure you watch until the end.

But first you need to know this fundamental truth…

Nearly everything women do can be traced back to feeling safe, physically and emotionally.

In fact, feeling safe is a primary need for all of us, but women process feeling safe differently than men do.

Whether by nature or nurture, most if not all women view the world through a subtle lens of fear.

We can take care of ourselves financially nowadays which takes care of the fear of homelessness but that’s only one fear.

You’re probably wondering what the heck fear has to do with answering the question of why women act hot and cold.

I promise this will makes sense as to why women act hot and cold shortly, stick with me.

Women’s Fears

Some of the fears women have include (but aren’t limited to):

  • Not finding a right mate and becoming the crazy cat lady
  • Rejection from community
  • Failure and it’s embarrassment
  • Success and it’s pressures
  • Being a terrible mother
  • Not being a mother
  • Other’s judgments
  • Her own self judgments

You get the idea. Some of these fears are the very same fears you have!

So how do these fears affect why women act hot and cold?

Why Women Act Hot and Cold

When a woman is considering a man as a partner for a long term relationship, many of these fears are ruminating in her subconscious mind.

So, what are some examples of why women act hot and cold? Let’s have a look…

Crazy Cat Lady

If she’s got low relationship market value by her own or society’s standards, she’s probably aware of it and wondering when you’ll figure that out.

She acts like she likes you because she does!

But then she pulls away because her insecurities bully her with the idea that no good man would really want to be with her.

So she goes cold as a preemptive strike to avoid your rejection.

Key point!

She may not even be aware she’s doing this!

Be honest, have you ever been on the other end of this story—pulling away or self-sabotaging because you think she’s too good to be true?

Or worse, too good to be for you?

(If you do, then you need to check out my program WakeUp2Luv. The link is in the description.)

Shunned by Her Tribe

On the other hand, maybe her self-esteem is pretty solid generally speaking, but you’ve done a few things her girl friends or family disapprove of.

You may be thinking, “Well, Anna, I’m not dating her friends or family.”

You’re right!

I know that, you know that, she even knows that.

But, if she’s the kind of gal who’s relied heavily on her support people, her tribe, be they friends or family, their opinions matter to her and may influence her.

Her subconscious mind wonders if she ignores her tribe will they think less of her or abandon her if she stays with you.

If they do turn out to be right about you and you break up later she’ll worry about being completely alone in the world.

Key point!

Even in today’s world, where we don’t need an actual tribe to survive, we do better when we feel like members of a community where we’re connected and included.

The other fears of failure, success, motherhood, and judgements fall into a similar category of basic survival and avoidance of being ostracized by society, community and close connections.

But there are times when a woman acts hot and cold that aren’t about survival.

When a woman’s basic needs are met and she feels safe with you because none of the issues we’ve discussed so far apply then hot and cold becomes about standards and expectations.

Standards & Expectations

Every woman (and man for that matter) has standards and expectations, both of themselves and of others.

Now, let’s go back to the original example.

You’re dating a woman, everything going great but things are starting to go sideways and she won’t say why.

What happened?

There are essentially two reasons why women act hot and cold.

One has to do with you and the other has to do with her.

When It’s About You

First, let’s say you did something “bad” that triggered an internal innate fear in her.


You casually tell her you think most men would cheat if they thought they would never get caught.

This instantly makes her feel there’s a chance you’ll cheat one day.

If she grew up in an emotionally safe home, her standards and expectations of a potential partner (in this example) include monogamy.

And while that’s certainly a risk of infidelity in relationships for a variety of reasons, she’d feel safer with a man who believes in loyalty even if that belief is unrealistic.

This might also show up if you overtly check out other girls or make crude comments about attractive women’s physical features.

And I’m using this example because it’s common.

Consciously or unconsciously she needs some space to process the situation.

Distance allows her to see the situation more clearly while also giving her the ability to see if she misses you.

If you’re emotionally healthy you should be evaluating differences in beliefs and values as well.

The reason this feels hot and cold is because she often isn’t even sure what’s gone wrong and therefore can’t tell you.

Key point!

It’s not that she wants to hide something from you, necessarily, but that she doesn’t even know why she’s feeling the way she’s feeling.

And sometimes, even if she thinks she knows what’s wrong, she may not want to jump the gun by telling you something she’s not even sure is a big deal because of the risk of confrontation or rejection.

When It’s About Her

In this scenario, you did something “good” that triggered an internal innate fear in her.


You tell her you believe in monogamy and will treat her like a queen forever.

Wait, what?

Yes, sometimes why women act hot and cold comes from them self-sabotaging.

Her standards of a partner include loyalty but her expectations of herself include disappointment because that’s what’s familiar.

We tend to be drawn to what feels familiar.

Familiar equals comfortable.

If she grew up in a situation where what was familiar wasn’t emotionally healthy, then when she does find someone who treats her well it may feel good but also uncomfortable.

You may even relate to this if you didn’t have an idyllic childhood.


She grew up without a father figure present or had a “bad” dad/step-dad so never experienced a close bond with a man she trusted.

As a result, when she feels like a good man is becoming emotionally close, it feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

There may be an unconscious fear of abandonment or emotional pain, as well, so she pulls away to regain her equilibrium.

If she’s emotionally damaged from past trauma, it’ll take time, consistency and effort for you to potentially help her to feel emotionally safe enough to stay warm.

It’s possible for that to happen, but there are no guarantees.
Which is why I say don’t bank on potential!

Keep in mind we’re all a little broken with some rough edges and blind spots.

So I’m not suggesting you ditch and run at the first pink flag, but you do want to pay attention to the real red flags.

You definitely want to know what those look like for you.

There are universal red flags, which I’ve covered extensively in the video in my Red Flags playlist, but there are also the red flags that are your personal dealbreakers.

Regardless of why women act hot and cold, the way you handle it is the same.

People’s insecurities shouldn’t get in the way of them having a great relationship.

If you meet a gal who’d potentially be great for you yet she has certain issues like I’ve mentioned earlier, then you need to know how to navigate the relationship so you don’t trigger her insecurities and scare her away.

Luckily, there are ways for you to do this.

So you can avoid missing out on your ideal woman.

All you have to do is follow a few simple steps to make her warm to you.

Once you do this she won’t be able to take her hands of you.

She’ll be the one texting you, wanting to see you more often and trying to win you over.

So watch my Why Is She Pulling Away (Short Term vs Long Term) video to find out what to do if you’re in this situation…or to avoid it happening at all!

About the Author Anna Jorgensen

Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)

Leave a Comment:

Stephen Turcotte says September 14, 2021

Is this ever timely Anna. I thank you again. i KNOW she’s the woman I’ve been waiting for all my life. But just this hot/cold stuff started. iI’ve told her i LOve her after 6months. She hasn’t reciprocated to my dismay. I care enough to even wait it out, though thoughts of ending it cross my mind.

    Anna Jorgensen says September 15, 2021

    Ok, she may be feeling smothered, pull back a bit and let her come to you. Watch my videos on why she pulls away. A man should never be the first to say I love you. Stay strong, don’t lose yourself in this situation or she’ll retract even more. Go do something good for yourself. You got this!

Robert Jones says September 15, 2021

Thanks Anna. Phd’s write books like “Men are from Mars Women from Venus”. Those books only skim around on the surface, but you go far below the surface of relationships, and reveal unknown truths which magnify love.

    Anna Jorgensen says September 15, 2021

    Wonderful compliment, thank you so much!

Stephen says September 16, 2021

Not now. Re think phase.


    Anna Jorgensen says September 17, 2021

    Never be afraid to pause for re-evaluation! I’ve got a video coming up in a few weeks for how to know she’s the one, 3 sure signs. 🙂

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