If you suspect your girlfriend might be cheating on you but you’re not sure you’re probably not thinking straight.
You may be wondering if you’re being paranoid or if your own insecurities are getting in the way.
Either way, if you suspect your girlfriend might be cheating on you (or your wife or the girl you just started dating), you likely feel sick and uncertain.
If you’ve tried to question her only to be side-swiped, gaslit or told “you’re being silly, paranoid or jealous,” you’ll start to feel like the crazy one.
Let’s look at what to do if you suspect your girlfriend might be cheating on you but you’re not sure and the most important thing you must do if she is aside from walking away.
First, let’s look at that self-sabotaging devil we know as jealousy.
Just a reminder, a little bit of jealousy isn’t only normal, but healthy.
Jealousy shows you she matters to you and helps prevent you from taking her for granted.
But there’s also a time when her actions may be disrespectful to you if not downright disloyal.
If you do have unhealthy jealousy and you know it, stick around, I’m going to provide suggestions to help you.
But if you have healthy jealousy, you want to make sure she knows your expectations, needs, boundaries and consequences of her violating your standards.
Even if you’ve just started dating!
The sooner you set your standards and boundaries, the sooner you teach her how to respect you.
We teach people how to treat us!
If you discover your values aren’t compatible, you’re better to find out soon than later.
It’s better to be single than sorry!
As soon as you see any behaviour you wouldn’t want long term, you need to address it STAT, because if you don’t you’re going to end up heart broken one way or another.
If it’s early on you can say, “Ashley, this behaviour doesn’t work for me. Here’s what I expect instead.”
Or, “If we’re ever going to be exclusive, here’s what I’ll expect from my girl…”
If you say this with confidence but also grace and respect, there’s a lower chance you’ll trigger her ego and pride.
Always be willing to walk away from the deal if it’s a crappy deal.
Remember, at this point you’re suspicious but you don’t know for sure.
You can say, “Would you really be ok if the situation was reversed?”
Then vividly describe the reverse situation so she can actually imagine it.
She might flippantly say she would be ok with it because she doesn’t want to give up whatever she’s doing that’s making you suspicious.
Then you call her on this test and say, “In that case, our values don’t match and we shouldn’t see each other.”
You’ll quickly find out if she’s serious and your values don’t match or if she was just trying get away with something.
We teach people how to treat us!
If you have trouble setting boundaries, stick with me because I have a solution for you.
And I’ll let you know how to have this kind of discussion.
If you’ve been dating for awhile or are in a longer term relationship, the situation is a bit different.
Maybe this situation hasn’t been an issue until recently for whatever reason.
You need to nip it in the bud, Bud.
There’s a very specific order of what words to say to express your needs in a way to get more of what you need and have the most likelihood of her wanting to meet them for you.
I talk more about The Love Sammich Strategy in my video on how to handle an angry woman.
But let me give you an example of what it looks like.
And then I’ll give you the most important tip you need to do if you suspect your girlfriend might be cheating on you.
“You’re a good woman, Ashley, that’s part of why I love you.”
“It bothers me you spend time alone with Chad because even though I trust you, he likes you and it makes me feel disrespected. I want you to not spend time alone with him, anymore. Will you do that for me?”
If you deliver this with love and respect, her reaction will help you determine how much she respects you and/or how emotionally mature she is.
She’s probably not going to be happy about this conversation and that’s normal. No one likes having something taken away from them.
And she may feel like a child being scolded, which is why it’s so important to deliver your request without judgment.
But, you’ve entered the conversation with love and respect and she freaks out, either she’s emotionally immature and/or she feels guilty.
Which brings us to the most important thing you must do if you suspect the girl you’re dating, your girlfriend or your wife might be cheating on you.
If you’ve let yourself slack in the relationship—work on what you can.
If you’ve slacked on yourself work—on what you can.
Start doing the things you used to do for her regardless of her response and start doing the things you used to do for you regardless of her response.
If you used to be more romantic, try. For her.
If you used to be more fit and healthy, try. For you.
Wherever you’ve slid down the scale in being a high value man, start working on those things. For you.
If you do it for you and if she’s still meant for you, she will see it and respond accordingly.
Be patient, it may take time to trust your changed behaviour is real. That’s reasonable.
If she’s no longer right for you—if she’s been unhappy for too long, or you were never really compatible, or she’s already planned on being with someone else—you’ll feel better about being single again if you feel better about you.
And… you’ll be more attractive to other women if you do end up back on the market and decide to date again.
Relationships are complicated, a lot of effort and require ongoing maintenance. Only the brave should attempt them!
Which brings us to the solution for those of you who’ve allowed your insecurities to overtly or covertly sabotage your relationship.
You have to have balls of steel to ask for help from a total stranger.
We all have short comings and blindspots we can’t see or don’t know how to deal with.
Opening up to someone you don’t know who you think might judge you requires a lot of courage.
Remember, courage is sexy; unhealthy jealousy and insecurities aren’t.
If you suspect your own or her unresolved baggage is contributing to your relationship problems, the bravest thing you can do is get help.
If you always do what you’ve always done you’ll always get what you’ve always got.
So, if that’s not working for you and you can get back to a place of love, I encourage you to consider couples’ coaching or counselling.
You’ll find some options here, including an exclusive Wingmam discount code for online counselling that you can do from the comfort of your own home.
Check it out, big hug and God bless.
Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)