Major Reason Why Your Relationship Is Doomed To Fail! How To Avoid That
Even if you’ve just met the perfect woman for you, if you get this wrong, it’ll be a major reason why your relationship is doomed to fail. (Part 2 at end.)
The good news is… if she is a true keeper, what you’re about to learn will help you avoid losing her or mistakenly punting a good one…
And if you are already in a relationship on the rocks, you’ll learn what you can do to save it!
Because the reasons why your relationship is doomed to fail may surprise you.
Why Your Relationship Is Doomed (Maybe)
She might have the perfect personality for you but if your temperaments don’t align this could be why your relationship is doomed to fail.
Personality vs Temperament
Personality refers to why and how you are the way you are, while temperament is how you express your personality.
Essentially, temperament is our observable behaviour.
Example
“She’s a passionate woman” describes her personality.
Whereas, “She raises her voice when triggered” describes her temperament or “She’s quick to anger.”
The difference between personality and temperament isn’t as important as how differences in temperament impact intimate relationships.
You may both think financial responsibility is important but how (temperament) you express that belief in the real world may cause conflict.
According to Dr. Steven Stosny, author of the book Empowered Love and an expert in dealing with anger in relationships (having worked with over 6000 clients)…
“Temperament clashes … start to show up around 10 months into living together and usually escalate to critical levels in the second year.” ~ Dr. Stosny
If a couple can’t figure out how to manage their conflicting temperaments, they can expect a breakup by their fourth year together.
In other words, even if you’re really right for each other if you don’t learn how to navigate your temperamental differences in a loving way, this’ll be why your relationship is doomed.
Just Dating?
From what I’ve seen and likely what you’ve experienced, it takes longer to show up initially because most people are on their best behaviour in the honeymoon phase of dating.
The chemical concoction of feel-good endorphins acts like a drug making you focus on each other’s good qualities more than your differences.
And while our personalities may evolve, our temperaments tend to stick with us throughout our lives.
That’s not to stay you or she can’t overcome aspects of your temperament that don’t serve you well.
But what makes intimate relationships difficult—and potentially why your relationship is doomed to fail—is when you choose a partner with a vastly different temperament than your own…
…especially around conflict management.
Example
When you’re stressed, angry, or frustrated you shut down and go to your cave to ponder and regroup.
Meanwhile, she likes to talk things out right this red-hot minute.
When you don’t want to tension rises and a fight ensues.
Or maybe she clams up and you want to deal with it right away.
One of you thinks, “Let’s discuss this when we’ve both calmed down.”
The other thinks, “Never go to bed angry.”
Neither of you is wrong but you have different temperaments for HOW to deal with the situation.
When you’re with someone with a seemingly opposite way of how to handle situations like this, neither of you feels understood or loved.
Actually, it may simply be you’re not understood but you are loved.
So, when you’re triggered, you want others to be like you and see like you.
That makes you feel understood and emotionally safe.
Too Safe? Too Good?
If you are too alike, it can eventually feel boring.
That’s when you hear the stories about how so-and-so was such a happy couple but he cheated, or she cheated.
Whoever did the cheating, often admits, “I don’t know why I did it. Things were good in our relationship.”
The fact is, relationships are complicated.
They need stimulation.
They require effort.
Forever after.
Amen.
They are not for everyone!
So let’s talk about…
Stimulation
Remember, it’s not bad if you have different temperaments, but you do need to navigate your differences in a way that supports the relationship.
If you don’t know how to do that you might be with the right person but it sometimes feels like the wrong person.
Even if your values, beliefs, and goals are in alignment.
Your mutual reactivity to how you handle situations differently may feel insurmountable when actually your feelings are simply exaggerated.
According to Dr. Stonsky, the most common areas where exaggeration happens are around intensity (energy levels), and mood, especially anxiety regulation.
Energy
Example
She’s high energy and you’re low energy in terms of temperament.
So she tends to want to take action without reflection while you prefer to ponder the situation, make a plan, and then consider action.
Let’s say she gets reprimanded by her boss at work and her reaction is to give notice or just quit and start looking for another job.
But if she doesn’t find a job STAT, you’ll be footing the bill for the holiday you’ve planned to take together or canceling it.
Meanwhile, you’d rather her talk to her boss about the communication problem—or at least wait to give notice until after she’s found another job.
Or if you’re in the later dating stage, maybe you’re particular about being on time and she’s chronically late.
You want to figure out the details of how to get her to respect you and show up on time.
She wants to drop it and move on, saying she’ll try harder but doesn’t feel the need to provide any specific steps for how that will happen.
When you try to press for specifics, she gets moody and distant.
Which brings us to…
Mood
When it comes to mood and anxiety regulation, you’re on two different pages.
As alluded to in the last example, she focuses on the big picture, you focus on the details.
You’re organized, orderly, on time, and a planner and she’s none of those things.
Example
In the example about her disliking her job…
…continuing to work for a disrespectful boss causes her more anxiety than potentially being out of work.
Whereas, for you, it would be the opposite. You’d be stressed to the max not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from.
Or, maybe it’s the other way around and you’re fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants.
If you don’t figure out how to navigate differences in energy and mood, it could be a reason why your relationship is doomed, my friend!
Do Opposites Really Attract?
Opposites often do attract but if you can’t manage your differing temperaments, you’ll eventually repel each other.
The truth is the best relationships tend to be with someone who has a moderate difference in temperament.
Ideally, the high-energy person winds up with someone they can chill out with without feeling dragged down.
And the lower energy person does well with someone who gives them energy and gets them out of the house sometimes.
If you’re an organized person, you like her spontaneity and creativity, and she likes that you keep her head out of the clouds and feet on the ground.
But the further apart your temperaments are the sooner the traits that attracted you will drive you nuts!
If your temperaments are slightly different but you’re still fighting over every little thing, you’re probably both reacting instead of responding.
Reacting vs Responding
When triggered, many people react instead of respond.
Reactions are immediate without thought.
Responses are less immediate after contemplation.
They come from different parts of the brain.
Example
The more anxious you become, the more nonchalant she becomes.
Then you start hearing or saying things like,
“Can you just sit still for a minute!” Or “Let me think for a minute!”
Or…
“Why do you always put things off!” Or “I thought you were interesting not into resting!”
And this brings us back to personality vs temperament.
Personality (Who you are) vs Temperament (What you do)
Often arguments go unresolved because each is focusing on the other’s personality instead of their specific behaviours.
Hint: It’s easier to change a behaviour than a personality!
Key Point!
Focusing on someone’s negative (to you) personality trait is an affront to who they are whereas focusing on the behaviour you don’t like takes the focus off who they are and onto what you need.
Not being able to communicate lovingly leads to increased discord, disagreements, and distancing.
Neither feels emotionally safe in the relationship.
Both end up reverting to, “Why can’t you be like me?”
Key Point!
In reality, it’s not necessarily your differences that make you incompatible but your lack of effective communication and conflict management skills.
When we’re triggered we often regress to childlike behaviours acting defensive and demanding.
After awhile, one partner becomes depressed while the other becomes anxious and angry, and both feel resentful.
If you can’t figure out how to talk nicely to each other, this is one of the main reasons why your relationship is doomed to fail.
Knowing what you know now, are you…
Destined to Fail (or Succeed)
If either of you feels like the other is thinking wrongly or doesn’t understand why your partner is angry it could be more about temperament than the actual issue.
However, it may also be about the actual issue if your values, beliefs, and goals don’t align.
This is why it’s so important to know what’s so important to you!
And if you’re already in a relationship that’s sliding sideways down a steep hill and you know you’re part of the problem, you may be able to improve the relationship even if she doesn’t do her part right away.
I highly encourage you to talk to a professional counselor or relationship coach.
If you think your relationship problems are mostly because of your baggage or issues, like extreme insecurity, talk to a therapist. Link to online therapists I recommend.
If you think it’s mostly her, then you may want to talk to a marriage and relationship coach. Link to that coach I recommend.
And remember, we weren’t taught how to do relationships, so don’t beat yourself up for not knowing the how-to part.
But do take responsibility for learning how to do relationships better.
And if you read this far, I know you’re in that camp.
Thanks for being here, God bless.
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