Can You Go From Friend Zone to End Zone When She Pulls Away?
A viewer of my WingmamTV YouTube channel wants to know why did she pull away and what to do when he went from friend zone to end zone to what-the-heck-game-are-we-playing?!
Let’s go straight into Mr. End Zone’s story and then I’ll give you my take on his question: Why did she pull away?
The Players (Names changed; details permitted.)
Wingmam
Me. Anna, dating coach, writing this assessment. Not a licenced therapist. My opinion is based on what I know of the situation having only End Zone’s side of the story.
Mr. End Zone
The man wondering where the heck he is on the field and which direction he should be running with the ball aka why did she pull away.
Suzy
Mr. End Zone’s long time “friend” and now love interest.
She…
- has been cutting End Zone’s hair about 10 years
- is the sister of his “good” friend, Jen
- separated from her husband of five years in 2015
- has a four year old daughter from that marriage
- dated a guy in 2018 who was toxic and violent (she broke up with him sometime after getting pregnant with his child)
Significant side note aka red flag: Toxic BF is not allowed within 100 feet of Suzy. (Their baby was born March 2019.)
Jen
End Zone’s friend of about 11 years and the sister of Suzy.
They (End Zone and Jen)…
- met in college
- have hung out a lot since then and are still close
- both knew Jen liked End Zone but nothing ever happened (Red flag!)
- got married in July 2017
- is pregnant with husband’s child
Jen’s husband and End Zone get along great and Jen’s husband is aware of how close Jen and End Zone are. The trio are friends now.
Before Jen was married, she and End Zone would hang out and then go to Suzy’s for his haircut. Then they’d all hang out together as friends.
Sometimes, End Zone would go alone to get his hair cut. Jen would get upset by this at times. (Jen was likely hoping for more from End Zone.)
Jen’s always been jealous of him spending time with Suzy. (Anna coughs for emphasis.)
It was around this time End Zone started liking Suzy.
October 2018
Suzy moves into the basement apartment of Jen’s & Jen’s husband’s house after breaking up with Toxic BF.
End Zone hangs out on a regular basis upstairs with Jen and her husband.
Late 2018 / Beginning of 2019
End Zone asks Suzy if she’ll be free New Year’s Eve. She says she is.
New Year’s Eve is the first time they hang out with no haircut but there is no kiss at midnight.
From January 2019
End Zone becomes more bold asking Suzy to hangout. They hang out every couple weeks (as friends).
Jen becomes more jealous about End Zone spending time with Suzy, but eventually seems to get over it making it more comfortable for End Zone and Suzy to hang out freely.
But Suzy and End Zone often chat about Jen’s jealousy and agree that she (Jen) “should worry about her own life and back off.” (True.)
When End Zone and Suzy hang out they make dinner, talk, play with Suzy’s daughter and then watch Netflix. A typical domestic couple. Sometimes they even go to church together.
They see each other about twice a month and by September their relationship seems to be taking a turn with both acting a lot more flirty.
Cut to —
September 8th, 2019
Suzy and End Zone hang out at her place. They make dinner as usual, flirting and teasing each other.
The kids go to bed and Suzy and End Zone cuddle on the couch closer than usual.
He rubs the inside of her thigh then takes her legs and puts them on his lap and resumes rubbing her thigh.
She acts extra girly, asking questions about the show knowing he’ll tease her about her queries.
They’re closer than they’ve ever been and there’s sexual tension but he’s nervous and doesn’t make a move.
She ends up falling asleep on him.
Later, he hugs her good-bye and leaves. He thinks he blew it and has lost his chance.
September 22nd
He texts her to see if she’s free the next Sunday.
She says, “Yes.”
They text a bit more and she then says she’s “… free tonight if [he wants] to come down.”
He grabs his chance and heads down there. (Good call, dude, there’s no bigger green light!)
Like the times before there’s a lot of teasing and flirting with him tickling her and when the kids go to bed End Zone and Suzy sit on the couch close to each again with her legs on his lap.
They start watching something on Netflix, but both their focus is on his hand running up and down her thighs to within an inch or two of her “meow.”
His other hand squeezes her butt.
She offers no resistance.
He teases her about her butt in a playful way and when she laughs he goes in for the kiss. She releases herself to him.
They make out for a while going around first base and into second base.
He whispers, “I’m crazy about you.”
He gets to third base but she cools it down; her daughter’s room is visible and without a door the little girl could come out anytime. (Good call, mom.)
They cuddle the rest of the night and when he leaves he kisses her again while squeezing her butt. She responds positively and they kiss for awhile before he leaves.
He should have set the next date right then and there. Or at minimum, texted the next day, reassuring her that he “values more than her cute butt.”
It’s different when you’re exiting a long established friend zone.
September 25th
A few days later he texts to see if she’s free Sunday but gets no response.
Women are fickle, she may have felt rejected and/or regretful not getting a text sooner and/or she’s been influenced by Jen. More possibilities later in this post.
October 2nd
Over a week goes by and End Zone decides to text Suzy again asking if she’s free Sunday.
She texts right away letting him know that she’s not sure yet if she’ll be free.
October 6th
Sunday comes and goes with no word from Suzy.
He makes no further contact and hasn’t seen or heard from her sister, Jen, either — other than her “liking” one of his FB posts a couple weeks later.
October 20th
Exactly 4 weeks since he first kissed Suzy with no further word from her.
What gives — why did she pull away??
Why Did She Pull Away Side Notes
End Zone knows it’s possible that Suzy is dating other guys because in late August Jen mentioned to him that Suzy was making an online dating profile.
The main reason he didn’t make a move earlier was because she was pregnant and then had a newborn. He thought it inappropriate to make a move, but still wanted her and wanted to be with her even then.
Even though he felt her attraction for him and the passion in their kisses he also knew this was new territory for him and Suzy and didn’t want to come across as needy.
That’s why he didn’t text her the day after they made out. (Oops.) He thought it best to treat her like any other woman, but wonders if that was the best choice. (It wasn’t.)
He asked to hang out instead of asking for a formal date after the second time they kissed because he thought it’d be less pressure for her. He didn’t want to scare her.
Good call but he should have told her the reason. Women make shit up in their minds all the time usually not giving you the benefit of the doubt. It’s a normal self-protection mechanism.
And he’d never talk with Jen about the situation given hers jealousy. (Good call and red flag!)
Having spent more time together in nine months than they had in 10 years, he wants Suzy to know that he cares for her, is crazy about her kids and that she’s more than a piece of ass.
He wanted that kiss, he want her. What they shared that night was electric. (His words.)
At least for him. And even if it was electric for her, too, women are situationally emotional, meaning they don’t necessarily carry their feelings forward.
He feels like telling her he wants her and to see where it goes.
Anna’s Initital Response
Holy batshit drama, Batman!
There is so much going on here — except sex — that it could be a reality show.
But this is real life for many people!
Relationships are complicated and come with baggage.
If you find someone who can help you unpack your baggage without making a mess of everything, you’re very lucky.
Most of us are too busy trying to put away our own stuff that we simply don’t have time, energy or awareness to help someone else with theirs.
That’s why God created attraction hormones.
If chemistry and attraction didn’t exist, most of us would choose to stay single.
Why Did She Pull Away
For End Zone
You’re the star of this show so you get first billing.
Make sure to watch my video getting posted next week about dealing with women who have insecurities. #DamselsInDistress
For some reason, many men have a hero complex —partly the fault of Disney movies and Marvel comic books!
But this can also come from unresolved emotions toward a man’s mother: either from an overbearing mother or a neglectful mother or an abused / abusive mother.
Occasionally, a man will have had a wonderful relationship with his mom, but the relationship between his parents wasn’t a healthy example.
And ever so rarely, a man’s childhood love examples were healthy so he doesn’t understand how his love interest can be unresponsive to or run from genuine care and attention.
Men are compelled to rescue, to be the hero, to win the girl.
But what men really need is to be able to provide, not rescue. To provide something of value to someone of value.
Key words: to someone of value.
Value is subjective, but essentially value means something of significant worth.
The problem is that men value sexual attraction over qualities a rational — non attraction-hormone-raging — person would deem important.
My question to End Zone is: What value does Suzy offer?
Suzy…
Failed at a marriage but got pregnant with (ex)husband’s child at or after separation. What happened there?
Chose an abusive boyfriend and got knocked up. She gets credit for getting away from him quickly, but what red flags did she not see or ignore?
May have boundary issues with her sister, Jen, but might not feel she can stand up for herself because she’s at her sister’s mercy living in Jen’s home.
Seems like a good mom by not potentially subjecting her daughter to a scene the child is too young to understand. (Sex on the couch.)
May also feel dependent on her sister practically (financially) and emotionally and if so could be resentful of that.
May be secretly or subconsciously pleased that Jen — with her house and her husband and her pregnancy—is jealous of her, given it seems, on the surface at least, that Jen has more to be thankful for. (If true, this is normal.)
Given Suzy’s past, I think she needs time on her own, but she’s used to being in relationships and may feel lonely, out of control and/or afraid of being single.
Jen…
Has her own insecurity issues which are expressed in her jealousy of her sister, Suzy.
Was romantically interested in End Zone at some time but likely felt rejected (he may not be aware of this), hence her jealousy of him spending time with her sister.
May subconsciously try to control Suzy. Jen’s jealousy — along with other dynamics in the siblings’ relationship — could lead her to influence her sister’s choices with End Zone (and potentially in other areas of Suzy’s life).
Tried to dissuade End Zone of pursuing Suzy by telling him Suzy was on a dating site when it looked like End Zone and Suzy’s relationship might be taking a romantic turn.
If there were no other signs of jealousy, it could be argued that Jen was trying to protect End Zone by telling him about Suzy considering a dating site, but given the jealousy of End Zone and Suzy’s spending time together, it was likely more to discourage him from dating Suzy.
A true good friend wants her friends and loved ones to be happy, loved, successful, not try to sabotage their joy.
End Zone’s Questions Answered
How should I proceed from here? Do I stay no contact?
Because this whole situation is convoluted you should address it directly.
If you have the guts to do it, call her —yes, like speaking-on-the-phone call her — and tell her, “I want to see you to talk about the the night we made out, when is a good time?”
Try to sound calm, neutral, and nurturing. Do not sound desperate, disappointed, or mad.
Leave a voice message if she doesn’t answer. Don’t make it any longer than the sentence suggested above. Don’t ramble.
If she waffles or isn’t sure, then say, “If friendship is what you prefer, that’s ok, but let’s talk about it so we can move forward.”
If she still waffles say, “When you change your mind let me know. We’ve been good friends for a long time, let’s not lose that. ttys xo”
If you can’t bring yourself to make a phone call then text her.
If she doesn’t answer or avoids meeting with you or talking to you, give her indefinite space and move on.
Is she afraid of what Jen might think?
Yes, likely.
She’s now dependent on her sister for a home (and possibly other things). Jen will be an influence on her and probably already has been.
Does she know I care for her?
If she doesn’t then she’s more messed up than I give her credit for. You invested the better part of a year courting her. That’s unheard of nowadays.
However, if your intent was always romantic interest and you played the friend zone to get close to her then she may instinctively feel duped.
She may still feel this way even if you weren’t consciously aware that’s what you were doing.
Plenty of guys accept the friend zone so they can be the “beta orbiter” in the hopes that one day they’ll have their chance. Women intuitively feel it even if they accept that fact and allow the guy to hang around as a friend.
Why hasn’t she tried to friend zone me yet?
You’ve been in the friend zone for ten years. You may simply have caught her on a weak day (or two) being out of the friend zone.
If what you really mean is: Why did she make out with you and then go cold? Here are the possibilities:
- She was caught up in the moment and later thought better of it.
- You saying, “I’m crazy about you!” scared her because healthy love relationships are foreign and uncomfortable for her.
- She’s seeing someone else or has other tempting possible suitors.
- She wants to play the field before committing again so soon. (Least likely given she has a baby.)
- Suzy’s sister has influenced her out of exploring a relationship with you or there’s drama with her sister over you and Suzy doesn’t want to deal with it.
- Any combination of the above.
Is there still hope?
If you mean getting her back, yes. But she’s going to be a lot of work if you do get together.
Final Words
Why did she pull away?
When something triggers us we behave immaturely; we’re afraid.
We go into fight, flight or freeze mode. It’s biological.
It’s what we did when we were children and were scared or hurt or angry.
But we’re adults now and childish behaviour doesn’t serve us in the big picture.
We need people who have greater emotional intelligence to call us out, in loving but firm ways, on our bad behaviour.
As well, we must teach people how to treat us. It’s the only way they’ll learn.
Some people won’t or can’t learn. That’s their journey.
To be truly happy we need to not only know when to walk away from the deal but have the courage to do so.
That’s healthy.
That’s attractive.
Let me know how it goes.
xo AJ
What the heck, I was going to save this for another post but ima add in some bonus material…
How to Be Attractive
Go out and get a life. Make it interesting. Try different things.
Succeed in something. No, not just succeed — excel! Excel at something.
Date other women. Sleep with the ones you want to.
Put yourself and your needs first.
But be kind.
Say, “No.” and “Not right now.” But not all the time.
And always — ALWAYS — be willing to walk away from the deal.
Be happy and grateful AF.
How to Be Unattractive
Be boring. Don’t do anything new or interesting. Have nothing to talk about.
Don’t have any passions or pursue any selfish pleasures.
Save yourself for the woman / women who don’t want you. Masturbate in a sock.
Put everyone else’s needs first, always.
Be nice, but passive aggressive nice.
Always say, “Yes.”
Put up with shit any sane person shouldn’t. Don’t have standards or boundaries.
Be miserable.
Make sense?
p.s. Every guy should take my WakeUP2Luv – Get (and keep) a GF program. If you do the homework, you will become the kind of man who gets — and keeps — the kind of girl you really want and will never have to ask yourself, “Why did she pull away?”
p.p.s. Do you have a dating or relationship situation you want help with? Coaching options here.
Disclaimer: Anna is not a psychologist. This is her opinion only. Readers are responsible for their own actions. If you are considering harming yourself or others please contact a crisis line in your area or other appropriate authority right away.
Hello Anna!