These 5 things you must know before dating a single mom will save you a lifetime of pain and suffering!
If she’s a good mom, you will never be her top priority.
If she’s not a good mom, she’s not a keeper!
Okay, so what’s a guy to do if you’ve met an amazing girl who you think could be the one but she’s got a kid?
If you don’t want to end up heartbroken or just broke AF there are things you must know before dating a single mom.
I’ll give you the list and then go through each with REAL LIFE examples.
You’re not her priority.
Single moms give more attention to their kids.
They have to, kids require a lot of attention just to keep the little beasts alive and unharmed.
It’s Friday night and you want to hang out and get busy, it’s your date night after all.
But she’s got an early morning because there’s a bake sale for little Johnny to be able to go to summer camp.
No sex for you tonight, Sir!
But that’s actually a good thing because…
Crappy moms are low value.
If she doesn’t care about the well-being of her own offspring, Dude, she can’t care about you.
A woman who doesn’t instinctively care for her kids is damaged goods.
Full stop, no apologies.
She skips the bake sale to spend the night with you.
Little Johnny is disappointed, misses band camp, resents you and grows up to be a hooligan who talks back and wrecks your car.
It’s a package deal.
Even if she is a good mom and good woman (not one and the same btw), she’s coming with baggage.
Sure, we all have some unresolved issues, but with single moms it’s amplified.
There’s the burden of the extra needs kids require and the the baggage of what didn’t work out with the baby daddy, whether or not he’s a good guy.
Unless he died of honourable or even neutral cause, there’s a backstory to why that relationship didn’t work out and she’s at least partly to blame.
Either she chose poorly or she treated him poorly.
If she can’t own up to her part, that’s a red flag!
She feels guilty about the break up and is always talking crap about her ex…
…even if he wasn’t all that bad…
…even if he was all the bad!
So, you don’t just have little Johnny in the picture but the memories and stories of Little Johnny’s dad.
Which brings us to…
You’re not my daddy!
Kids require discipline to grow in the right direction.
But you’re not that kid’s dad so for awhile your opinion is not only not welcome, it’s not wanted… even when it directly affects you.
Even a high value single mom—no, that’s not an oxymoron—won’t give you full reign over her kid, maybe ever.
You may eventually have an influence, but she will always have the final say.
Even good single moms often feel guilty about putting their kid through the breakup, so they let their kids get away with stuff they shouldn’t because of that guilt, or because of exhaustion.
Even if that kid is well-adjusted, they’ll become an unruly teen at some point.
That’s just nature!
Over 90% of men in prison come from single mother households.
Johnny leaves dirty dishes all over the house, never cleans up his room and has a crappy attitude toward you and/or his mom.
But when you try to talk to him about it he says, “You’re not my dad!”
Baby daddy is also part of the package deal.
Unless her kid’s baby daddy died, he’s in the picture—even if he isn’t.
Either he’s involved and has more say than you do.
Or he’s not at all and has left a negative mark on their psyche.
Like if he’s in jail or ditched them and isn’t helping support them.
Even when he’s not there, he is.
And in the worst case scenario, she’s still involved with him.
Either because there are unresolved feelings or attraction or because of financial necessity.
Maybe you and the kid get along great and you’ve planned a family camping trip.
But out of the blue, Little Suzies unreliable dad shows up and wants to spend time with her.
Well, she still loves her daddy and mom feels guilty for him not showing consistent effort, so your family camping plans are shot.
Now you’ve got to stay home and wait to see if he ends up wanting to drop her off early like he usually does.
Okay, so before I totally scare you off, let’s be fair and look at some potential positive things you can consider before dating a single mom.
The one time she’s higher value than a woman without a kid.
Her heart is healed.
If she’s been able to heal from the wounds and emotional stress of the breakup, she’s a better option than a single woman without kids who’s emotionally damaged.
Healing helps avoid her being triggered when you do something similar to what hurt her in the past.
We all have past hurts that trigger us.
If she can acknowledge her shortcomings and communicate with respect and grace, you’ll have smoother sailing than if she’s still working through the baggage of her past.
She is no longer triggered by her ex’s erratic behaviour.
When daddy dude shows up unscheduled, she sticks to her family plans with you.
She respects you and your plans over the scraps he provides.
If he wants to be part of his Little Suzie’s life, he’s got to get with the program.
She knows her daughter will be temporarily hurt, but also knows consistency is more important.
And the only way baby daddy might start being reliable is if he’s forced to.
Which brings us to…
Timing is important.
She’s been off the market for awhile to give herself and her kid some stability, that’s a good sign.
She’s displayed the ability to take care of herself and her child and not just run to the arms of the next available guy to save them.
There’s also a higher probability she isn’t pining for her ex or hoping for reconciliation.
Every situation is different; could be a year, could be ten!
But you’ll know!
Along those lines of the positive things you must know before dating a single mom is…
If she has these two qualities, she might be worth it.
Hard working but soft hearted.
She works hard so she doesn’t have to rely on baby daddy but she’s not bitter about it.
A single mom who’s been able to financially take care of herself and her kid without becoming an overly independent, ball-busting boss babe will be a woman who can contribute in a relationship.
Too many women get boss-babe bitchy and too independent and lose the softness of femininity of cooperation.
She’s used to doing things for herself but when you try to help her carry the groceries in, she welcomes your help and thanks you graciously.
But she doesn’t use you.
She has a team MATE attitude!
Speaking of which…
If she believes in co-parenting with you, big green flag!
If you can find a single mom who understands the sacrifice you are making to accept a package deal, that’s a big green flag!
Even if she can’t fully let go of the reigns, if she includes you in parenting discussions early on, that’s a green flag.
This is a rare quality to find in a single mom to be sure, so if she does include you, acknowledge that.
If she’s able to have discussions with you about how to handle issues with the kid when they mess up and what your thoughts are on how to discipline them. Green flag!
Little Susie has a crappy attitude and talks back to her mom.
You tell her to go to her room until she has an attitude shift.
When Little Susie says, “You’re not my daddy!”
Her mom supports you and affirms, “Get your butt to your room or no internet for 24hours!” Which is an eternity for a kid, nowadays.
Even if she disagrees with your discipline, she provides a united front in the moment and discusses her thoughts with you privately.
Kids know united you stand, divided you fall.
Along the same lines is…
If she sets boundaries with her ex, that’s a good sign!
You and her are a team.
Not her and the baby daddy.
Of course, if the baby daddy is a decent dude, he’s going to be an influence, but her loyalty is what’s best for her kid and her relationship with you.
You tell baby daddy, “We’ve got family plans this weekend but let us know in advance next time you want to see Little Susie.”
He says, “You’re not her Dad” but your woman is loyal to you and says, “We’ve got plans, we’re not changing our plans, you’ll have to give notice next time.”
She’s your team MATE!
By the way, if you’re a single dad, don’t be that guy. It’s not fair to your kid.
If these things you must know before dating a single mom were informative, please share it to help other men.
Thanks for being here, God bless!
Vancouver dating coach for men who love women! ❤️ (Not PC and not a feminist.)