What’s the Diff? Sexual Chemistry vs Emotional Connection
Most men who are physically attracted to a woman mistakenly think women feel the same way, but sexual chemistry vs emotional connection is very different, especially for the ladybirds.
A Story
This happened a few years ago …
A guy on a dating site caught my attention!
A rarity because 99.5% of the profiles I’ve read suck. Yes, that works out to 1 in 200 stand out in a good way.
So, this guy has decent photos (not cheesy photos—him holding fish, or holding a camera in front of a bathroom mirror, or holding some ex’s hand!) and the written portion was witty.
Great so far!
I messaged him. He replied positively.
I asked him to call me so I could make sure he “didn’t sound like Mickey Mouse,” which he found amusing.
(If you sound like MM, don’t freak out because there’s a woman out there who will totally dig that. Or at least not be bothered by it, like my shallow ass.)
We talked on the phone the next day. The next day.
An hour later, I knew if he met my Top 5 Deal Makers/Breakers through a naturally flowing conversation.
It didn’t feel like a job interview for either of us. How do I know? He agreed to a date. 😉
So far we don’t know sexual chemistry vs emotional connection is, but we know there’s a chance of intellectual/emotional connection.
On the offhand chance a woman is reading this:
Some guys get nervous. If a lady wants a date, it’s totally okay to help a gent out a bit by indicating an interest. In fact, it’s appreciated.
For example: “Well, you don’t sound like Mickey and I kinda like you so far (laugh), should we meet?”
This approach gives a guy the green light to ask you out without you being the one to ask him out.
Sexual Chemistry vs Emotional Connection Takeaways
- Reach out! Women have too many emails to notice you’ve “favourited” her or her life is so busy she doesn’t notice or she wants you to take the initiative. (Or, yeah, she’s not interested. No biggy.)
- Filter faster with a phone conversation. This will also let you know how serious the other person is about a real relationship. People that don’t want to get on the phone either aren’t ready, aren’t serious, or get enough offline flirting and/or connection to sustain them.
The Story Continues…
Two days later (yep, two), we went on a date.
By the way, he asked if I wanted to be picked up. Check.
It’s gentlemanly that he asked, but I declined because of my long-standing paranoia of Shreddies killers and stalkers. <Meh, shrug>
We met. He looked like his photos. I looked like my photos. Check.
We went for brunch. Conversation was easy. I had an attitude of curiosity not expectation.
He appropriately touched my arm a few times allowing to reciprocate if I so choose. I didn’t.
He was good-looking, but I wasn’t feeling it where it counts …
My heart (and tummy and loins).
Physical / sexual chemistry (vs emotional connection) is when you have no idea what the other person is saying because you want to kiss them right now!
You also want to do a bunch of other stuff that happens in your birthday suits.
Which is what you’re thinking during and after being together.
Only later do you think, “What did we talk about?”
Intellectual/emotional connection is when you hang on their every word because you love their words.
Only later do you think, “Could I imagine kissing that person?”
Ideally, the sweet spot is somewhere in between.
You get a little distracted wanting to kiss, touch, cuddle, or other, but you’re also interested in what they have to say—what they’re about as a person.
Whether you have instant sexual chemistry or an emotional connection case, the only way to know if you have long-term possibility as a couple is to get to know the person—before you get physically intimate!
Even if for no other reason than we tend to ignore red flags if the sex is sooo good.
Darn. And yep.
Sure, there have been exceptions to this generalization, but of the hundreds of long-term (over 10, 20, 30+ years) couples I’ve interviewed 95% of the women said they didn’t experience instant physical/sexual chemistry vs emotional connection.
Interestingly, the stats are reversed for the dudes, which makes sense because men’s sexual area of the brain produces 10-30 times more testosterone, the primary sex hormone.
More Takeaways
- Appropriate touching (hand, arm, elbow, or small of back) can help you know if the other person is feeling physically attracted. If you can’t be there in person, you can tell them you wish you could hold her hand right now. (Depending on how the FaceTime “date” is going.)
- Physical sexual chemistry does not equal intellectual emotional connection.
- If you want a long-term relationship, don’t get (sing:) “physical, physical, let them hear your body talk” until you know whether that person is a right match. Bam! (But no bam-bam.)
So, what happened at the end of my date?
We discovered, through texting after the date, that although we both shared an intellectual connection, neither of us shared a “romantic” connection.
We agreed to mutually “friend zone” each other.
And because he’s a good guy and emotionally mature, I feel confident introducing him to my sexy single gal pals.
Wham-bam-thank-me- wing ma’am!
Last Takeaway
Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water.
Just because that person isn’t right for you doesn’t mean his/her friends might not be and likewise with your friends for him.
If you have a mature and abundant attitude, you’re not being relegated to the friend zone, you’re choosing it.
You’re welcome! 😉
xo AJ
p.s. Never “Ma’am” a woman over 30. Just. Don’t. Noooo.
p.p.s. Watch my WingmamTV video on sexual chemistry vs. emotional connection!
Hi Anna,
What do yo mean by “p.s. Never “Ma’am” a woman over 30. Just. Don’t. Noooo.”
Do you mean never say Ma’am to her or is shorthand for something else?
Thank You
David
never say Ma’am to any woman you’d like to sleep with unless she’s your boss. Then say it and DO NOT sleep with her.
Saying Ma’am is indicating she’s old. Don’t do it as a rule.
Exactly! 🙂
Just go with the sexual connection and let the intellectual/emotional catch up. It will if it’s supposed to, if not, still have some short term sex fun, It’s good for you.
I described myself as a cross between Bruce Willis (have all my hair through) and Tim Allen in a personal add once way back when, that’s how I met my current ex-wife.
Just be aware of the potential risks (financial, mental, emotional, legal) 🙂
Craig White the Man with the eagerness to change my experience through willingness to dare to imagine with you Wingmama. Ppplease;)×
Doesn’t emotional intelligence keep the relationship going? How.
For two characters The Man having her the High Quality Woman feel safe by passing her shit tests proving he cares, he values her. Eventually her the High Quality possibly the smartest pretty Woman I ever met letting down her barriers into the Love Meadow where Woman can treat her Man as The King spoil him like a Kid;)
I need you Anna I don’t do it without you. I want to invest in your side of the story.
I’m doing bad right now but not for long. Is there a way to get a hard copy sent to my home address?
I appreciate it.
From Craig.
Yours sincerely Craig Lee White. England;)×
Hi Anna. I am age 77, and I have been dating a beautiful and young looking 79 year old for about three years. When we first met for brunch after a few on line dating site text conversations, I was attracted to her, and decided that she was special. She did say that she is not attracted to me. Right from the start she said that” All men want is sex, and that is not going to happen.” Hearing that, I instantly thought “That is not true, because I know I only want that as the frosting on the cake, and it takes a lot more to make the cake. So I decided that I would not be like “all the men” that she based that comment on; and I would be like a brother to her (as she just lost her brother about two months before we met) So I decided in my mind that I would rather get to know her without any affectionate overtures; and, that I would honor her boundaries, and as we get to know each other, I would get to know her boundaries. Well, she has never even made a motion to hold my hand. During that time, she would reinforce her position on the sex matter verbally, and I simply continued behaving like her brother. As time went on, she said that she is affectionate. In the past six months she told me of men that she lived with and almost married. (She was married twice, but has been single now for more than 20 years.) We do seem to communicate well, and have good conversations, but never really get physically close enough to even touch.. While she told me that in the past 20 years she has dated more than 100 men, (if anybody could attract that many, she surely could).. (Although, that could also mean that she got rid of an average of five men every year). I don’t want to be her brother any more; but, I like that too much. I get to go out with a beautiful woman who has a classy demeanor and is very socially elegant, and fun. One of her lady friends told me at a party, that I should not get too attached to her, because she has many men, and that is what she wants. She has her own home and her life is very stable with friends, and I assume that also means men, although I have never known her to be out with any others. I fear that if I took her hand, or told her that I would prefer to be released from our sibling relationship, that she would not go out with me much longer. I might be the only man to last so long with her by being her surrogate brother. She is an anomaly.
Anna, after writing all this, I don’t even know what I am asking. I think I am a bit crazy now. I have always gone with one woman at a time, and usually for many years. I was married twice, and I never really had a hard time meeting women. One of my professions has been as a solo cocktail lounge entertainer. Maybe all I am asking is: Why does she still go out with me, and what would happen if I just took her hand? Now I am even embarrassed for writing all this It is so “High Schoolish”. This is ridiculous. Maybe I will just take her hand and take my chances. I don’t want to go out with 100 woman, though; just her.
Thank you, Anna, for accepting this letter. You can toss it, because I don’t even know what I was asking.
I watch your videos almost every night as they are so informative. I know that if I find a women that really wants me, your advice surely has made me a much better complement to her. I just wish I could get it going with. Marie. Thank you for your shows. I am a new member.
Jim
From Colorado .
Love that you are unscripted – I’m too ADD to follow a script (even if I need to…) (or to even follow your video that closely… hopefully I picked up the important parts, I know I had to restart it / back up once or twice…)
I love your attitude, your character, and way of communicating. I felt connected while watching your video on YouTube as well as engaged while reading this take on sexual vs emotional connection , not even realizing this was also you! You have the ability to make me laugh and be entertained as well as get the premise of what it is you’re teaching. Thank you 🙏🏽
Thank you so much for this wonderful feedback! 🙂
I live in a rural town. Most mature men use ma’am when speaking to a woman. It doesn’t mean she’s old, it means he’s respectful.
Great point! I’m sure it’s the same in the South USA even in larger cities. Thank you for that reminder! 🙂 Anna