There’s no way being too nice can work against you in the dating game, right? Wrong. In fact, if you’re too nice (aka have “nice guy syndrome”) and are single, you’ll surely struggle.
Girls won’t find you sexually attractive. Your friends will think you try too hard.
And, you’re too busy keeping track of all your nice deeds to realize your strategy sucks.
Understand that there is a big difference between being a nice person and being too nice.
Nice is good, using being too nice as a form of manipulation or overcompensation to get girls is not.
In this article, we’ll look at what Nice Guy Syndrome is, and how to overcome it.
This way, girls will stop treating you like a doormat, your friends can trust you, and you’ll be a much happier human.
Nice Guy Syndrome can be characterized by some of these behaviors:
In dating, Nice Guy Syndrome looks like the guy who gives copiously and fixes excessively, in an effort to draw in women.
This guy never lets his own needs be known or met. Instead, he focuses on what she (or her friends) want, hoping that his aloofness and flexibility are perceived admirably.
But he doesn’t notice, because he’s too busy pleasing. He’ll spend his time, money, attention, energy and whatever else he can.
Last, and most important, is Nice Guys notoriously have their heads stuck in the clouds. They have no idea that being too nice is not working.
How do I know this?
Being too nice isn’t working. But their behavior doesn’t change. Nice Guys aren’t objective about the feedback – no dates, no sex, whatever – sitting in front of their face.
Maybe you, or someone you know, suffers from being too nice.
Nice Guys say ‘yes’ to everything. This is the first shift to make if change is going to last. Learning to say ‘no’ will change your schedule, priorities, and social group in one fell swoop.
Understand that saying no is a skill. It requires practice. Be okay with it feeling uncomfortable, and accept it if you hurt someone’s feelings accidentally.
They won’t be expecting it, because they are used to you acting like a doormat. But you’ll both be better off long term.
Ask yourself: What are you comfortable with saying ‘yes’ to?
Now that you’re learning to say ‘no’, decide what still gets a ‘yes’. Will you continue to pay for meals, but give away less of your free time?
Think through how you’ve been nice in the past. From there, decide what will stay and what must go.
Many men suffering from Nice Guy Syndrome pick being too nice as their strategy because they aren’t confident about themselves.
Recapturing some of your masculinity by hitting the gym, losing weight, and being more comfortable in your own skin will give you a reason to stop being so overbearing.
It’s a law of nature that when you give freely, you will receive. People will find ways to repay you for your kindness and hard work.
However, giving while expecting to get something in return breeds resentment, awkwardness, and dislike.
No more expectations. No more keeping track of nice things you’ve done. And no more bringing up all the nice stuff you did before. Just be nice, and let it go.
This minor change will make a huge difference. Like saying ‘no’, it must be internalized, and then practiced habitually. But eventually, it will change everything.
Sounds harsh, but being too nice is a form of manipulation.
Try to catch yourself in the act. Why are you being nice in that moment? Is it genuine, or are you hoping to get something from it?
What are you afraid will happen if you don’t appease everyone you come in contact with? The answer is not much, so stop worrying so much about it.
If all this seems overwhelming, perhaps talk to a counselor or a therapist. Trustworthy friends may also help shed light on why or when you are being too nice.
You got this!
TSB MAGAZINE is a great resource for recovering Nice Guys.
Wingmam’s self-study WakeUP2Luv course will also help fast-track you to becoming the kind of man that isn’t too nice.
Vancouver Dating Coach for Shy Guys & Introverted Men. Matchmaker Liaison. Founder: Wingmam